Life at home is Sad. My mom is losing it and all I can do is watch. She’s always had health problems but I didn’t notice the mental ones till I got older. Very forgetful, indecisive, and prone to fits of mental break downs. She has a good heart. But she doesn’t have the strength or funds to raise my baby bro. I’m afraid of his future.
I made the choice to join the Corps to better my life, maybe “die for my country” while I’m at it. I made it through training and felt on top of the world. I thought the way my mom raised me was perfect for this: get treated like shit without complaining, constant verbal abuse, and being told what to say, what to think, what to feel. The only problem is now that training’s over, I must think for myself.
So I feel like all this struggle isn’t worth it. What’s the point if there’s always gonna be more struggle, when does it get better? I need to be there for my mom but I’m obligated to be here. I’m worthless here. I can’t think on my own and I can’t talk to people. I work at an IT help desk! where critical thinking and talking to people are necessities. I was literally referred to as the “base retard” by my own Sgt. Your Sgts should have your back and encourage you but I’m just that incapable. Oh, I inherited all my mom’s forgetfulness, indecisiveness and best of all her
break down tendencies. They really make my job that much more fun. I always get destroyed by my higher ups since I have no peers. Just me and a bunch of Sgts, working on computers, just like I wanted from the Corps.
Which is why I’m here. Someone please tell me what there is to live for. If I end it, that’s no more bullshit for me. I’ll have nothing more to stress over. I’ve heard it all from my friends before but I wanted to know what other suicidal individuals had to say. I’m only 20 but I think I’ve seen enough, the world’s fucked up. I’m not a virgin. I became a Marine. Hell, I even experienced love a couple times, which was nice.
4 comments
Wish I could tell you to stick around, but I can’t. The struggle never stops, at least in my experience anyway.
I can tell you to stick around but I can’t promise you when it’ll get better or if it’ll get better at all. For me, struggle is half of living, the other half being the actual accomplishment. I can promise you that there will be times in life where you feel like utter shit but there will also be times in life that will help you realize that you truly are a beautiful and brilliant person. You don’t need anyone else to tell you what to do, me included. And no one can help you realize how truly amazing you are. Even I barely see a glimpse of it. But I promise you, when you finally see how awesome you are, you’ll want to show it to everyone. The trick is actually finding out.
Hi, Marine.
That’s a bunch of thinking you’ve got going on at once. Looks to me like you’re taking on a lot of crap that you had no say-so over.
No need to get super-specific, but where are you stationed? I bet we can find you a nearby comrade whose felt that way. Minimum, we can try. Don’t they say all Marines are family? I do believe I know a few who would have your back if you’re near them.
The Corps can be a hard place to round out your young adult life. Give yourself a break!
In this day and age in the Military, mental health is becoming a primary focus. I’m quite sure you could easily get an appointment with the post or regimental clinic. Of course you may not want to mention that you’re actively considering suicide or any other behaviors that might be considered a risk to yourself, those around you and/or the Corps in general. But you can make a point of raising the family history (your mom’s issues) and your own forgetfulness and indecisiveness and mention you are worried that it may be genetic and that you want to get out front of any potential issues before they arise (military loves the proactive approach).
At the age of 20 – you really haven’t “seen it all” … or even most of it. This is not to minimize your feelings or experiences – just a fact. But in all this I sense your biggest worry is your brother who should be factored into any decision you make, at least until he is able to get to self sufficiency. SO as far as that goes, that should stay your hand for the time being. I can promise you, your brother most of all, is watching you and couldn’t be prouder of his hero the bad ass Marine – it doesn’t get any more super hero-like than that for a young kid 🙂
If you choose to try to work through this privately (and I wouldn’t blame you), then I would suggest to try to restrict your focus to only the things that are immediately in front of you … let the future and the world worry about itself – it will take care of itself with or without your concern or worry. As a Marine, you have a job – in all services, it doesn’t matter what you think about it or how important it is or what you feel – the Military just wants it done as best as you are able. The Military is a machine that does not like disruption (despite all the inefficiency and abnormality built into the system) – the military just wants you to do your job to the best of your ability with the minimum of disruption and problems.
To be in the company of Sgts. gives you the inside track to make yourself indispensable and to get noticed and even promoted … but it also means you have to eat a lot of shit and be their little gopher/slave. Do it. You’re a Marine. And if you don’t like that job, consider asking for a new classification – especially if you ask for a combat classification – I would have a hard time believing they would turn down anyone’s request to reclassify as infantry.
Unlike many people your age, you have the ability to make the transition from adolescent to adult with the safety net and structure of the Corps/military – it’s not easy but I will forever be thankful for my decision to enlist coming out of high school. If the military is not your career choice, that’s fine … honor your commitment to the Corps and get out when your enlistment is up. But honor your commitment.
You can also use your time in the service to take advantage of low or no cost college courses – this has dual purpose – 1 to keep your mind occupied from worrying about the future ans other stuff you can’t change and also gives you a head start at making your self more knowledgeable and thus more employable upon separation from the service – I can’t recommend this highly enough. Do it. If you don’t know what “you want to be when you grow up” (not being a smart ass – just a bit silly), start with the general education courses that any and all degrees require to complete the degree (english, math, history, etc) you can take those anywhere later and take the specialized course work for whatever your interest becomes without the delay of having to do this work – and it’s fresher in your brain only being a couple years out of high school – once it’s done, it’s done – they can’t take it away from you 🙂
There is still a lot in this fucked up world that is very much worth experiencing and you have the opportunity to set yourself up for an easier ride than most. Focus on what you CAN change and not on the things you cannot. We all have the choice on how we choose to view things … and our minds (when healthy)are the easiest place to start. Don’t waste time on hate – hate is an activity that requires a LOT of time and energy that could be better spent solving problems and creating solutions.
It “gets better” when YOU make it better … there is no long term happiness. Happiness is the result/conclusion of hard work and effort in a task. You have to invest time and energy into things that will offer a happy moment as a payoff … but those moments only last for a short time. But if you build your own personal infrastructure with a solid and positive foundation, you’ll position yourself to have more potential for more happy moments in life than the average person. But also, people can find happiness in failure if they find enjoyment in the endeavor and chose to learn from the experience.
It’s all boils down to the perspectives you choose to view your experiences through. And those perspectives ARE your CHOICE.
Good Luck Marine – thank you for your service.
army dawg