“I am a poor, wayfaring stranger
Traveling through this world alone
And there’s no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go”
Is it time? Is my time to head to that land finally here? I found out tonight that everyone that I thought was my friend thinks I’m a “thot.” I don’t blame them. When I broke up with the guy I was seeing here, that same night I hooked up with someone else. A few nights later, I got drunk and hooked up with someone else. Who wouldn’t think I’m a slut? I guess they’re right. The realization that everyone thinks that about me hit me like a fucking derailed train. The chaos that ensued my mind was overwhelming. I sobbed for a while, for the first time in a long while. I just want to go home. I want to go home.
If everyone thinks I’m dirty, then how am I supposed to go about changing that? They’ve already made up their minds. There’s nothing else I can do. I didn’t mean to fuck up so badly. I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to make everyone hate me, but I did. I’m disgusting.
“Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance.” What substance? I have none left. I gave it out to people who, for once, showed me attention. I portioned it out to the rats and the cockroaches in the tunnels of my mind. The “substance” that I may have once had is gone. I am gone. I am a hollow shell — pathetic.
My only problem tonight is I can’t see if it’s time to go to “that bright land.” I dream of the bottles of sleeping pills I have, just a few feet from this very spot. I want to live, yes, but what point is there? All I’m good for is disappointing people. All I’m good for is nothing. My talents include sucking dick and failing those that I love.
I just want to go back. I want to go back to the innocence that I once had. I used to be such a good kid. I used to be such a good daughter, a good friend, a good sister. Now my brother has abandoned us and my parents are no doubt in a state of constant disappointment with me and, well, my friends all think I’m a slut. So what do I do? What is there to do? Maybe I should just end it. Maybe I can finally be in that glorious land. Is it time for me to finally be free? Please tell me.
12 comments
So sorry youre hurting tonight. Your feelings are perfectly normal for the predicament you are in up to the overdose talk.I understand that it feels dreadful to think people are talking about you in this way-but the statement you made about having given everything to filthy cockroaches–Nonsense,dear..your substance is still in there.You are still a good person.You can still be a good daughter. You feel low,and you are thinking in terms that are very extreme.Try to downgrade it,and to consider these facts..You gave a piece of yourself temporarily to a guy,or two.Casual sex is not the end of decency and virtue within you. Its something you did,(and frankly something a lot of people do, )but not who you are.The thing about it is you can choose now not to have casual sex,and then it becomes something you did while spinning out after a breakup-and had too much to drink. But its not WHO you are.Youre all there-intact.Youre feeling low right now,and beating yourself up ,thats all. NOW, dont get hung up on the notion that you alone are an now a slutty girl. theres plenty of casual sex goin on in your school and your indiscretions are not unique-I promise you this.Again-these incidences are something you did-and not who you are. Its unfortunate the guys couldn’t hav been better people and not talked so much but this is an important lesson for you..its a learning experience. Theres no need to be walking about paranoid and stricken with shame. Head up,and no shrinking shame. Remember that you did these things while drinking and beware-it can easily happen again.Next party get a girlfriend to be cognizant of your behavior and intervene if youre going too far, but try to drink less .Girls should help each other in this way more,I think. If they did it would drastically reduce the numbers of regrettable casual sex, drunken rapes and the horror of trains.Girls should keep track of each other and drag them out if they came together-dont leave any girls behnd… be strong and keep your head up. Forgive yourself.You can come through this just fine.So many of us have:)
You’re right. You’re right. I’m overreacting. I’m sorry.
Don’t be sorry! I’m like you, I care soooo much about what other people think. Don’t be sorry about how you feel. But please do try to rise above what has happened. It seems impossible because I can relate but slowly just tell yourself these people don’t matter. These people are being hypocrites judging others and not judging their own faults. Remember that. They are not worth your pain and anguish!! I agree with misanthrope, you still have so much in you even if you can’t feel it. If everyone was forever judged by one thing only then we would all see people as 2 dimensional and fake right? You have tons of other good qualities. Seize them.
Thank you, my dear. I feel much better now. 🙂
Yay 🙂
Why does the girl always gets labelled a slut, while guys do exactly the same thing hes a stud nobody ever questions their morals and values do they.
Don’t kill yourself because others think your a slut. Eho gives a fuck what they think they know about you. Everybody is searching for love in different ways, its just like you say you want love and attention and that’s they only way you no how to get it. Don’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human 🙂
I guess so. I just have a problem with caring a lot about what other people think.
What would you prefer, to have casual sex with people who obviously want sex with you (which is a good thing, right?) or to not have sex with people who don’t want to have sex with you?
To be honest men have to be made of steel these days because the general way it is is that you’re not wanted unless you work your way into being wanted by a girl. If a girl does this and makes it tough for a guy to win her affections then she’s generally not labelled a ‘slut’ .. but at the same time the guy could very easily just be a ‘player’ and a professional at getting girls while the more sensitive and genuine guy is pretty much pushed out of ‘the game’ because he’s too sensitive to be jumping through rings of fire to get a girl – He wants to be wanted easily because that means he must be very loveable. He wants to be wanted for him – not just for jumping through rings of fire and doing the ‘right things’ with the girl all the time.
I wouldn’t worry about being called a ‘slut’ .. that’s just a term used by people who don’t realize the effect it has on humanity. If women were always fussy, like alot of them are then there’s a large proportion of men made to feel unloved living lonely lives – these kind of Women are the worst but yet ‘think’ that they’re the best – Their extremely judgemental about things they can’t necessarily judge – their harsh, cruel and unloving to a large proportion of men so i wouldn’t think you’re one of the bad ones for being easy with a few guys because you’re not. People might say you are but then most people are pretty twisted anyway.
if i had a choice between a fussy girl and an easy girl then i’d pick easy every time because they’re more easy going and have more loving personalities, they’re more likely to want you for who you are instead of nitpicking at stupid things that shouldn’t even be an issue. They’re more likely to be accepting of you, which is a GREAT thing!
I hope I didnt write this in an offensive way, it wasnt meant to be, I just think the ‘slut’ word should be deleted from the dictionary!
You’re not offensive at all, I agree with you for the most part. Thank you, my dear
Ach, it’s so damaging when people start throwing that label around…and those attitudes belong in the dark ages before feminism existed IMO. I relate to your story OP because I have been extremely free with my favours on numerous occasions in the course of my life. To this day I’m not sure why I did it…in latter years it’s been hypersexuality while in a manic episode (I have bipolar), but I never had strong self-esteem to start with and often felt I had little to offer besides sex.
It does kind of make me want to puke that there are still such double standards when it comes to men and women. Trust me, I have done far worse things than you (I’m 52 now), and I know the sense of shame it causes out of fear of society’s judgments. Remember, you have harmed no one at the end of the day (except perhaps yourself). Don’t let these cockroaches (and judgmental people) win!
I had always thought of myself as having a fairly high self-esteem. Then as it faded a bit, I assured myself that, even if I didn’t have a HIGH one, per se, I definitely didn’t have a low one. It’s average. Just like me. It’s fitting. But the longer and closer I examine my confidence, I realize that it had turn into oil in my hands and almost all slipped away. I’m still struggling to harden it again. So I can definitely relate to you. And I won’t let them win. I can assure you that. Thank you.
That’s another double standard though isn’t it, seppuku. A Woman can have self esteem issues and at least be good for sex but if a man has them then they’re thrown on the scrap heap! You’re right though the slut and whore thing belongs in the dark ages, it should have been burried there too.