I have never really written anything for anyone else to read before… to tell you the truth… I am not sure if this is a good idea. But I am going to try.
I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 15. By the age of 20, I was on and off 12 different anti-psychotics, anti depressants, and anxiety medication. I was hospitalized seven times for suicide attempts.
They then told me I have what is called Borderline Personality Disorder. With Major depression. I am now 23.
I just… I hate myself so much. I became impulsive, after my boyfriend of six years and I broke up, I fooled around, I stopped caring. I overdosed on so many drugs and medications. Next thing I knew, I was 12 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is now six months old. I haven’t done any shit since then. But I feel more trapped then before. I stopped cutting, I stopped over dosing. But now I have so much inner hate that I just can’t seem to find a way to get rid of. I hate myself. After my ex and I broke up I lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to 170 which sounds like a lot to some people, but I have a lot of muscle because I was a competitive swimmer. Most of the weight on me is muscle to be honest.
But now, I still have a ton of post pregnancy weight. I gained a mother fuck of weight when I was pregnant. It was winter and freezing cold. Hard enough to wobble around pregnant, let alone on icy streets. I got up to 232 pounds.
Now I am sitting between 205-206 pounds. I hate myself. I feel like a whale. I can’t punish myself because I have become strong enough for my daughter. But so often I just look at her, she is so beautiful and so innocent. I feel like she deserves a better mother than me. A prettier mother, a smarter mother. I feel so ugly, I have my pregnancy pouch that I can’t stand. I have my stretch marks. I am breaking out again. I just can’t take it anymore. I want to be beautiful. But more than that, I want to love myself. I want to be happy. I just wish I could be happy!
It is like this horrible circle. I get depressed, so I eat. Then I get depressed because I eat. And being a single mom, I am exhausted by the end of the day just taking care of my daughter! I don’t have time to work out. I do my walks with her when I can. But just. Fuck. I wish I could take a knife and just slice it all off of me. I hate it. I HATE it.
2 comments
You can always put the baby up for adoption. Do not be the mother you wouldn’t want. You say hate yourself…I also hate myself (though dislike is probably more accurate) and I also want to be someone else. There are actually a lot of ways to look and become more attractive if you’re willing to put in the time and effort. You can also find another boyfriend if you’re willing to put in time… Life is just so boring, frustrating, and discriminating. Whatever your decision I’ll support it, though.
Ryder is right, if you feel like you can’t be a competent mother, better put your baby up for adoption. Don’t be that person who brings a child into this world only to make them suffer because you weren’t able to provide them with everything they need. If you don’t love yourself you can’t love someone else.