Failure

I’ve attended church my whole life. My entire family, including extended family, is Christian. I was always the strange one. I was obsessed with dark things, such as demons, ghosts, and horror movies. I was also extremely sexual as a kid. I’m not proud of it at all. If anything, I hate myself for it. I don’t know why I was like that either. The only reason I’ve ever been able to think of is the vague memory I have of being in some bathroom with someone telling me I couldn’t tell anyone. But anyways, I’ve just never been fully devoted to God. Lately, those feelings have only increased. It’s almost to the point where I’ve declared myself an atheist. I believe there’s a God there though, or at least I think I do. If there is, I want to know why he’s done these things to me. My life is a never ending cycle of bad luck. Depression, anxiety, problems at school, and problems at home have always played a huge role in my life. It’s a wonder I believe there’s anyone out there at all. I want answers, and no one can give them to me. No one helps either. I never go to church on Sundays with my family, and I don’t attend youth. My sister is a FCA leader at her school, she goes to church and youth every Sunday, both my parents are devoted Christians, my other sister is as well. And then there’s me. They all make me feel like a failure. I can’t tell them I’m turning into an atheist. I can’t tell them anything. When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a failure. I’ve carved the word into my skin before. What am I supposed to do when all I want to do is let my life consume me?