Well this happened today, or yesterday depending on your timezone. Im not going to link in the effort not to trigger anyone, but if you are so inclined use google.
I watched the whole video, his friend managed to record most of it. The kids mom walks in just minutes after her son shot himself in the face with a shotgun.
The reason i bring this up is because he frequented an image board i also did, and he specifically says goodbye to the people there before doing it. The reason is, that after watching it, something clicked inside me. And that is that no matter how shit i feel, no matter how hard things may seem in the moment, i dont get to opt out. Suicide is no longer an option for me, ever.
Just hearing the distress in his friends voice, and his mother reaction to finding her son dead with half a face, well, i dont know just something about the reality. We dont really think about what happens after, as far as it relates to those around us because at the time, we are so cought up, drowned, in our own pain, that even if we do consider others, it may not seem like it matters.
Well i dont know, ive been getting all the info i can and browsing /r9k/ for the backstory and watching that video, i dont know, it did something to me. And dont get me wrong ive watched tons of suicide videos, when i was a teen it was a sick passtime and fascination of mine. There was something different about this one. Maybe it was i can still relate to being a teen, not being very far off from there myself, maybe it was the reactions of his friends and parents that made it stick out. Whatever it was, i just wanted to get this out there. Its been a while since a real revelation has come along for me. I just wish it wasnt when another person who was obviously suffering takes their own life. But it is what it is.
I can only hope the family will be able to work through this one day. And i hope for all of you, if you do take it upon yourselves to look into this story, are able to take something from it. If only a grim realization of what you would actually be doing to those around you, regardless of if you believe anyone cares about you or not. I would bet most if not every single person here has someone who would miss them if they were gone. And if you dont currently, you will in the future. Anyways, i just needed to get this out of my head and felt like this would be the best place. Sorry if this brings up anything bad for anyone, ill put a trigger warning on it. Just one more day, one more breath, could make all the difference. The present is all there is, past and future is an illusion. Good night.
Tomorrow I have an appointment in the hospital about suicide stuff after I was admitted two weeks ago.
I plan on killing myself on April 6th.
They brought up youth protection services a few times, and let me be real, I am not in accordance to that.
I can’t let them admit me and keep me in. I have to get myself out the mess that well, it feels, they created.
What do I tell them? What lies?
I gotta figure out something.
I miss them so. All of them. The place, even. Cold at times, warm at times…Inviting. A place of growth and happiness. I wish, more than anything, that I could be back there. A student. Or an instructor – for youth or (preferably) adults.
But…Nope! Probably not to be. I’ll just sit around here, going to college, bored, sad, lonely and depressed…Disinterested in everything. I swear I’m so fucked up.
Hasn’t anyone else felt like this? Surely so.
This is the third time I post here, and it’s about the same thing. I’m 24, I’ve never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl or done anything with a girl, and I don’t see this changing anytime during lifetime. And no, I haven’t chosen to be this way. It’s not because I haven’t met the “right” girl or because I have high standards. It’s only simply that I’ve never had luck with women. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of love-shyness or incel, but that’s where I come from.
I’m basically doomed. I’ll either have to live this way and cope in some way (most likely by seeing escorts), or I’ll have to end my life. And to be honest I don’t want to live this way. My youth is already wasted… so what’s the point of having someone in my life at this point? Even if it does happen (which doesn’t seem like it), I won’t be able to enjoy it anymore, and I believe I’ll still feel miserable and lament my wasted youth.
There’s really no point to life when you’re forever alone, getting no relationships and no sex whatsoever. Really what’s the point of life if you can’t experience romance and sex? I prefer to be dead… I’m in no way able to cope, when literally everyone else is getting relationships and sex effortlessly but me.
Does anyone else feel this way? I personally don’t want to live as absolute long as possible. I read about how some people live 100+ years, crediting their longevity to silly things such as “eating bacon everyday” or “eating a grapefruit daily” and so on. I’m glad to hear that these people are glad to be alive and further happy to hear that they’re content with going on living for as long as possible. And then there’s people who have searched for ‘the fountain of youth’, wanting eternal youth and never aging. Me? I definately don’t want to stay on this earth for as long as possible. To remain on earth for another 20+ years (I am 34) is absolutely non-appealing. Living to a 100 is definately not going to happen, whether it be from natural causes or from myself. It’s not my depression talking, I know the difference.
Anyone else think that life is too long?
Just a rant…
Living in South Korea right now, and one thing I noticed is that this place will literally suck the ambition, desire – any sort of force that drives me forward in life – out of me. I hate this place, and I have to stay here another 3 months before I can even think of moving to another place.
I used to have dreams, have a heart full of things I wanted to do. Plans to do those things, the WILL to do those things…
But…it’s something about this country. The lifestyle here…Maybe it’s just me that can’t get used to it or, since the youth of this very nation are calling this place “HELL KOREA”, it really IS the place that is wrong.
Whatever the case…I need to get the f**k out of here.
Anybody have any personal experiences to share about South Korea, or Asia in general? I heard Asian culture is mostly the same.
I know there’s nothing I can say to the image left inside you.. when brilliant light decides to shine through..the dark illuminates behind truth..
And you can leave it all behind you..settle for a life I lied to make myself to seem above cruel intentions for a failed youth..
And i can see it leaves a fever.. my faith will make me a believer.. burning every time I see her put her hands together just to pray for me..
There are many fears unspoken.. more than many bones unbroken.. try to close me when I’m open..but i shed a light to see..
But you won’t see me when I come down.. I wouldn’t expect you to be around.. beyond all this, I have found a burning left inside me..
And you can see it leaves a fever..
I’ve attended church my whole life. My entire family, including extended family, is Christian. I was always the strange one. I was obsessed with dark things, such as demons, ghosts, and horror movies. I was also extremely sexual as a kid. I’m not proud of it at all. If anything, I hate myself for it. I don’t know why I was like that either. The only reason I’ve ever been able to think of is the vague memory I have of being in some bathroom with someone telling me I couldn’t tell anyone. But anyways, I’ve just never been fully devoted to God. Lately, those feelings have only increased. It’s almost to the point where I’ve declared myself an atheist. I believe there’s a God there though, or at least I think I do. If there is, I want to know why he’s done these things to me. My life is a never ending cycle of bad luck. Depression, anxiety, problems at school, and problems at home have always played a huge role in my life. It’s a wonder I believe there’s anyone out there at all. I want answers, and no one can give them to me. No one helps either. I never go to church on Sundays with my family, and I don’t attend youth. My sister is a FCA leader at her school, she goes to church and youth every Sunday, both my parents are devoted Christians, my other sister is as well. And then there’s me. They all make me feel like a failure. I can’t tell them I’m turning into an atheist. I can’t tell them anything. When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a failure. I’ve carved the word into my skin before. What am I supposed to do when all I want to do is let my life consume me?
Hi every miserable self loathing being! Don’t let your youth be the end of you. Believe it or not, its the best part of your life. It gets much worse as life grinds on and on. I’m 38 and have suffered chronic depression as long as I can remember. My youth was filled with constant bullying and a knowledge of being less than. I have always been overweight, unattractive and poor. Looked upon and treated like a lepper.
People always say your a great guy, smart, fun, nice, blah blah blah. But when the chips are down, its just me. Holding the bag while they all laugh, or don’t know what to do with themselves.
So fuck you people. I learned long ago about friends and lovers. You put your heart out there and people are like fuckin vultures. The hole they have inside themselves makes them devour whatever little bit of real is in front of them. They have know idea what to do with it. So they kill it.
This is where people like us have the advantage over them. We can see the hipocrosy and mind numbing bullshit. Most of them have never experienced an honest feeling in there life. Whatever pop culture and the equally hollow person there listening to says they should be doing, they will undoubtedly do. And make us feel like shit for questioning that mindless way of life.
I have experienced almost forty years of this. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m tired. I’m tired of the fight. I’m completely sick and tired of my insane thought path.
This is the begining of several posts that will eventually lead to my death. I just want to chronicle this time in my life. Maybe a last ditch effort to share with some people who know. As I sit and smoke this cigarette, drink this beer and lament for something that never was, I say to you…… This is the end, beautiful friend.
Some friends of mine were involved in the making of this song. About youth depression and suicide. At times I feel as if the lyrics were written for me.
I can’t get out of my own head.
All the things I used to care about I don’t anymore. I used to care about working with youth and becoming a teacher and Changing someone’s life. Now I’ve dropped out of teaching school and my extra curricular activity working with youth.
I feel very unimportant in all aspects of my life. My hours at work got cut, now that other people have been hired I’mÂ not important at work anymore. I stopped going to youth as my importance there dropped off. I used to do lectures there and now I’m not asked to do that anymore. I don’t know why. But my value is hard to see when the people around me are rejecting me.
I’m worried about driving away my friends. They know I can’t get out of my head and tell me they need space. They don’t understand. I regret letting them into my life at all, it was easier wearing my mask and being fake than to be real.
I go to dark places in my mind, and I try to dig myself out, knowing that not all my darkness is my own and Satan is filling my head with lies. Yet…it’s hard. It’s hard living in my own head, where I’m not liked and I have to fool myself into being happy.
“I can’t control what I think so how can I control what I say”
It’s frustrating how my actions are impacted by how I think.
“are you ready to make this one breath your last, is your chest so heavy you’re ready to leave, or are you just hoping that someone will grieve”
alot of me wants to die so that I can pretend that people will care when I’m gone.
“Time stood still, the way it did before. It’s like I’m sleepwalking”
what I do feels unimportant and monotonous. Nothing I do really matters.
“can you tell from the look in our eyes, were going nowhere”
I feel like I’m going nowhere. I wonder if everyone else can see it too.
This is why I want to die.
Im 16, I do independent study. People just say “join a club” or “find a hobby” but I dont even know where to start. I dont really have any hobbys, Â I kickbox and do jiu jitsu 3 times a week but its only adults in there. What are some examples of youth clubs that are usually in towns? I can feel myself cracking without anyone to share this this life with.
There was this NICE and sweet female i used to know, back when i was in my early twenties, that COMMITTED SUICIDE!
Gosh! I was truly devastated when i was told that she had decided to hang herself in the bathroom of their house!
I hadn’t known her for very long but we had become close over time, due to the mere fact that we both felt some sense of EMOTIONAL CONNECTION towards each other!( NOT sexual because am a straight female)!
I think it was also the fact that we were in the same youth group at the time (back when i was RELIGIOUS and believed in god and SHIT like that!!) and both enjoyed music!
She was QUIET but very friendly,non-judgmental and liked me for who i was, regardless of my looks! This was UNLIKE the other females in the youth group that HATED me so much out of SHEER JEALOUSY and probably gossiped about me everyday! She was generous,despite her humble background, and helped others when she could.
However, something went horribly WRONG in her personal life! Her parents were forcing her to do things she didn’t want.Her dad was EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE ( like my foster father Â was)! I believe her father may have also been sexually violating Â her, though she always chose NOT to talk about it! (Gosh! why do BAD things keep happening to good people?……FUCK LIFE!!)
I believe she finally reached a breaking point in her life and decided to END it all!……….She was found DEAD by one of her relatives!
I heard the SAD news the following day and CRIED!……( how i cried! she was the ONLY real female friend i had at the time!)…….
Somehow life seems to keep DENYING me the chance to be with people that TRULY care about me or love me!…..They either die,changeÂ to become NASTY or simply get reported missing by the cops!!
Now that i think about it, i should have FOLLOWED the same path and ended it a long time ago!
WHAT THE FUCKK!!!…..TRULY LIFE SUCKS!!!…….IT DOESN’T WANT SOME OF US TO BE LOVED!!!
It’s been 18 years.
I’m 18 year old female, a senior in highschool. I’m good looking, creative, intelligent and easy to get along with. But within me lies an everlasting, deep internal conflict, loneliness, and a very broken heart. I have no family, no friends and I just recently lost my lover. I have been framed and spent a year on probation for it, my parents have taken me to court several times (they’re so insensitive they treat family matters like business), I’ve never had somebody I could call up and talk to. I’ve had friends several times before. But all of them, usually in groups, leave me and bully me after being together for a certain amount of time. I tried to coat my problems with a new boyfriend, who ended up just using me, cheating on me, and giving me an STD…another reason to be a laughing hoax. That same summer, the previous summer, I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, broke my ankle, had forced therapy sessions that didn’t help, and began probation. Everything in my life fell apart…but one man rose above and loved me at my worst. All I ever wanted was the love I never got from my family…and I get walked all over.Â I don’t fit in. I hate drama. I hate the drug scene. I hate people who judge only by looks. I hate giant friend groups with hiarchies based on how trendy you are. I hate trends. I have dreadlocks. I dress differently. I listen to different music. I don’t fit into a stereotype. It’s Â it’s hard for me to find friends because of this. Â But I cherish those who do become my friends. Which as of now, I have none.
As for my lover, I fell deeply inlove this past summer. He was perfect….an edgy, unique, hard working, genuine, very attractive man. He loved me through my worst…he held me when I cried, made me not care about others opinions about me. Eventually however, him hearing about my past drove him away from me, he began to misunderstand me and he also developed suicidal feelings and depression. He freaked out on me and I called the police. It was a very serious break down. He hated me since. I didn’t realize that he was just had depression too, but was projecting it in a more masculine way…with violence and denial….rejecting my help.
If only I knew….I could of been more empathic and helped him….I fear everyday he will go over the edge, and I won’t be there to prevent it..it was so sudden. We had just bought a place together, planned a huge celebration for my end of probation. A whole 6 months of him and I never being able to sleep in the same bed overnight because of my probation curfew….we never even made it…just all the sudden he was gone…it wasn’t him who freaked out in me, it was his illness.
I was a very empty person growing up. I was depressed my whole life. I wasn’t motivated to ANYTHING and just sort of absorbed all the interests of my fellow peers. Even though this is true, by 18 I developed into my own person….he still thought I empty…
A year before I went through another very heartbreaking break up.
In my youth all I did was imagine, live a life inside my head to make up for my reality. I have nothing to show for my youth. I am unsure of the future and frightened. I hate school, I hate this town, I have no interests, and I have no skill. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with such a horrible foundation.
All I want is loving relationships. Friends…a lover…anybody.
I can’t go on being naturally extraverted yet so lonely. I am beginning to feel that my plans to leave town and start anew isn’t realistic, that I’ll never find friends. That my lover whom I don’t even speak to is feeling worse…..how come it has been now 30ish people in my life who have gotten my hopes up with friendship Â crush it…yet out of that 30 nobody is here to help me through thks horrible break up, or the burden of my family, or that I lost my job and car, nobody to celebrate getting off probation. Nobody…..
I’ve had this overwhelming internal conflict. Why am I bullied? Why can’t I make friends? Why can’t I keep a lover? Why don’t I have a loving family? Why have I spent 18 years being miserable and unmotivated and continue to do so? These questions I ask everyday…which made me develope severe anxiety in front of people, causing me to skip a lot of school..
I cry daily over my ex lover. I wish I had just one person to talk to. I cry over how I spend days…weeks…months….in the house, doing nothing, crying, while those who hurt me and are bad people are out living their lives. It hurts…I even turned to religion, and even in a new age/ buddhist community, I got bullied….
I don’t want to live.
My pain has exceeded my coping resources for far too long.
Not a single good memory from my youth.
How will I build a home with a shitty foundation.
I’m not an introvert from origin
but a fatalist I have become
Time’s over now
I’m too old to die young
Nature never stopped
eventhough life did for me
Now my youth is gone
with who I never got to be.
Check out this AMAZING youth suicide clip…I wrote it because I wanted to die, in fact I tried to take my life, but things didn’t quite work out that way…Check this out, share it and potentially help save someones life!
THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA
THE TREE ON THE HILL
Zarathustra’s eye had perceived that a certain youth avoided him. AndÂ as he walked alone one evening over the hills surrounding the townÂ called “The Motley Cow,” behold, there he found the youth sitting leaningÂ against a tree, and gazing with wearied look into the valley.Â Zarathustra thereupon laid hold of the tree beside which the youth sat,Â and spoke thus:
“If I wished to shake this tree with my hands, I should not be able to doÂ so.Â But the wind, which we see not, troubles and bends it as it tilts. We areÂ sorest bent and troubled by invisible hands.”
Thereupon the youth arose disconcerted, and said: “I hear Zarathustra,Â and just now was I thinking of him!”
Zarathustra answered:Â “Why are you frightened on that account? – But it is the same with manÂ as with the tree.Â The more he seeks to rise into the height and light, the more vigorouslyÂ do his roots struggle earthward, downward, into the dark and deep – intoÂ the evil.”
“Yes, into the evil!” cried the youth. “How is it possible that you haveÂ discovered my soul?”
Zarathustra smiled, and said: “Many a soul one will never discover, unlessÂ one first invent it.”
“Yes, into the evil!” cried the youth once more.
“you said the truth, Zarathustra. I trust myself no longer since I soughtÂ to rise into the height, and nobody trusts me any longer; how does thatÂ happen?
I change too quickly: my today refutes my yesterday. I often overleapÂ the steps when I clamber; for so doing, none of the steps pardons me.
When aloft, I find myself always alone. No one speaks to me; the frostÂ of solitude makes me tremble. What do I seek on the height?
My contempt and my longing increase together; the higher I clamber,Â the more do I despise him who clambers. What does he seek on theÂ height?
How ashamed I am of my clambering and stumbling! How I mock atÂ my violent panting! How I hate him who flies! How tired I am on theÂ height!”
Here the youth was silent. And Zarathustra contemplated the tree besideÂ which they stood, and spoke thus:
“This tree stands lonely here on the hills; it has grown up high aboveÂ man and beast.
And if it wanted to speak, it would have none who could understandÂ it: so high has it grown.
Now it waits and waits, – for what does it wait? It dwells too close toÂ the seat of the clouds; it waits perhaps for the first lightning?”
When Zarathustra had said this, the youth called out with violent gestures:
“Yes, Zarathustra, you speak the truth. My destruction I longedÂ for, when I desired to be on the height, and you are the lightning forÂ which I waited! Behold. what have I been since you have appearedÂ among us? It is my envy of you that has destroyed me!” – Thus spoke theÂ youth, and wept bitterly. Zarathustra, however, put his arm about him,Â and led the youth away with him.
And when they had walked a while together, Zarathustra began toÂ speak thus:
It rends my heart. Better than your words express it, your eyes tell meÂ all your danger.
As yet you are not free; you still seek freedom. Too unslept has yourÂ seeking made you, and too wakeful.
On the open height would you be; for the stars thirsts your soul. ButÂ your bad impulses also thirst for freedom.
Your wild dogs want liberty; they bark for joy in their cellar when yourÂ spirit endeavor to open all prison doors.
Still are you a prisoner – it seems to me – who devises liberty for himself:Â ah! sharp becomes the soul of such prisoners, but also deceitful andÂ wicked.
It is still necessary for the liberated spirit to purify himself. Much of theÂ prison and the mould still remains in him: pure has his eye still to become.
Yes, I know your danger. But by my love and hope I appeal to you: castÂ not your love and hope away!
Noble you feel yourself still, and noble others also feel you still, thoughÂ they bear you a grudge and cast evil looks. Know this, that to everybodyÂ a noble one stands in the way.
Also to the good, a noble one stands in the way: and even when theyÂ call him a good man, they want thereby to put him aside.
The new, would the noble man create, and a new virtue. The old,Â wants the good man, and that the old should be conserved.
But it is not the danger of the noble man to turn a good man, but lest heÂ should become an arrogant boor , a mocker, or a destroyer.
Ah! I have known noble ones who lost their highest hope. And thenÂ they slandered all high hopes.Â Then lived they shamelessly in temporary pleasures, and beyond theÂ day had hardly an aim.
“Spirit is also voluptuousness,” – said they. Then broke the wings ofÂ their spirit; and now it creeps about, and defiles where it gnaws.Â Once they thought of becoming heroes; but sensualists are they now. AÂ trouble and a terror is the hero to them.
But by my love and hope I appeal to you: cast not away the hero inÂ your soul! Maintain holy your highest hope!
Thus spoke Zarathustra.