Right now, as of this moment and the myriad of moments preceding this one, I am terrified.
Why? I don’t know.
I suffer from a fear that I cannot name or pinpoint.
It’s not a fear of something real. It’s not a rational fear, proportionate to the degree of danger I’m facing.
It’s an all-consuming entity, enraptured with me and enveloping me in its inescapable grasp.
I work a job, something that I’ve been able to manage (to some extent) for about a year and a half now.
I’m about to start a new work schedule, and I’m working a bit more than I’m used to.
Even though I know I can do my job well, I’m still afraid.
Terrified, in fact.
The thoughts flood my mind every time I think about having to leave the solace and security of my room; will I disappoint? will I fail? How am I perceived? What am I doing wrong? and…most common: if I didn’t exist, would someone better have my position? Am I retaining a position that is detrimental to both me and, more importantly, any outside parties that are effected by my employment?
Walking among others in the outside world scares me, has always scared me.
Now my job is putting more and more stress on me.
Not the job itself, but the fact that I have to go to it. That I have to socialize and fake sincerity and happiness.
I just want to stay locked in my room forever, nothing to worry about.
I want to be inconsequential, invisible.
My terror squeezes its iron grip ever tighter. I can hardly breathe or move or speak.
I just sit in horror and cold sweat, waiting for the inevitable to come and wreak its havoc.
5 comments
As always, comments much appreciated
Idk what you do but maybe look for a new job and then once you find something leave?… I know what you mean by you wish you could be locked in a room forever.. You know no judgments no pressure there.. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I really and 100% honestly hope things get easier..
I think I have a different interpretation/manifestation of the same feeling. I don’t have a job because I only want to stay at home rather than perform a job incompetently and I know that I won’t be able to perform and meet my standards. It makes one long for an escape. However, I cannot quite understand what you are terrified of. Would you mind elaborating?
I wish I could offer you some advice. However, it is rather hard for me to because I am in the same boat. I am unsure of how to cope those thoughts and feelings myself. The fear of encountering another human being, of being judged, of being a disappointment. You say that walking amongst others in the outside world has always scared you. While I can’t give you any helpful suggestions, I can inform you that your nameless fear might not be nameless after all. I have Social Anxiety Disorder, and because of it, I am afraid of the fears that you listed. You may have it too if you’ve been having those thoughts for a while. You should look it up and see if you have any other symptoms of SAD. If you think you have it, then you should visit your doctor. He/she can prescribe you a medication that will calm you down during social situations.
Just some insight. ^^
*cope with