I’m broken, I have been for so long… but I really feel it more than ever. Which is strange because I should feel happy, our family dog was missing for weeks and was found safe and returned last week, I finally got a job after so long of searching that i started today, my college graduation is this week, and yet… it all feels pointless.
I feel worse than ever and I’ve felt so bad before, I’ve come so close to just trying (and succeeding) in ending it all but now the temptation is stronger than before. Nobody knows my pain, they all think I’m fine, but it’s all an act. It’s just the iron cloak i pull around myself every waking hour of every day until I’m by myself again and the emotions grab hold with full strength.
The years and years of physical and emotional torment of school has been over for over four years now yet i still hear and feel it all every day. The arguments with family both sides even though my parents were divorced before i can even remember back to a time when they were together, how they’re always never happy with anything I do no matter how hard I try at something, no matter how much work I put in, it’s just never enough for any of them because they know someone who’s better than me. They all favour my brother in comparison, my lazy, self absorbed, sexist, selfish, greedy, **** of a brother… is somehow always better in their eyes… (excuse the language by the way if anyone is offended by such).
Even my best friends that I’ve shared more than I ever have with anyone with them know not of what how I feel or what goes through my head everyday. I have literally no one, my only relationship of a year and a half consisted of me being physically, verbally and emotionally blackmailed, abused and taken advantage of because she knew I was too nice to ever say or do anything back. It was full of me being constantly lied to, thrown around and used, cheated on and I won’t even go into anymore detail.
The temptation to end it all is once again upon me only this time stronger than ever. I sit now in the kitchen at the table writing this, yet the cabinet beside me has multiple medications in it including a bottle of ibuprofen with at least 450 tabs still left inside and i can almost hear it calling to me.
And yes I know what it’d do to me and how painful a way it would be to go as i studied pre paramedics in college last year but I just don’t have the capacity or energy to go on anymore… I don’t even know why I’m writing this, it’s not a cry for attention, I’m not looking for someone to notice me or need somebody to talk to. In fact I’d prefer the solitude of being alone with my feelings as opposed to sharing them with someone and yet the irony and hypocrisy lies within me even posting this. Either way, all I know is there’s a pretty strong chance right now that I may not see the sun come up tomorrow… and I’m starting to hope for that too.