I had a relatively good upbringing. Compared to what some other people on this site have had to go through, I have had an easy life. I have a loving wife and loving children. My children are what keeps me here.
But I hate that I exist. I have never hated anyone enough to murder them. Except for myself. I have constant fantasies of different ways to destroy my body. Those fantasies bring me peace.
I was halfway to a big city last night where I was going to jump from the top of a tall parking garage. A sign over the freeway told me that there was an accident and all of the lanes were blocked, so I pulled over to a gas station. I had decided to take the step into the abyss, but I already had been feeling thoughts that were pulling me back from the edge, and I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to go through with it. I didn’t know how to get that strength–the impetus to defy all biological and emotional safeguards. So, I did what all truthseekers do when truth eludes us: I Googled it. That Google search brought me to this website. Reading the thoughts of other people on this website made me cry and gave me hope both in living and in dying–especially the post: My feelings on why we feel depressed and suicidal. That post spoke to me and made me realize one of the things I look forward to most in death is the conversation. That sounds stupid. Well, because it is.
I just feel out of place in this world. I don’t belong, but I have kids who love me. How can I kill their father? They are perfect. They have the opportunity to live a life of happiness and unrestrained laughter. Being close to death is sad, frightening and eerie. Being close to a suicide is devastating, traumatizing and gruesome. That is what I can’t get past. I’m alive now because it would be better to be an okay dad who is alive than a dad who dropped a bomb on them in death. I keep thinking I can commit suicide because they’ll get over it and be better for it. My wife will remarry someone who can take better care of them, but I have seen what suicide does to a family. How can I do that to them? So I am trapped. I want to die but can’t. I want to live but can’t. It helps somehow to put these thoughts into the ether, but I constantly long for a falling sensation, acceleration and the growing roar of the turbulence of descent followed by darkness.
I don’t know what to do.
14 comments
As someone who saw their dad kill themselves and was forced to grow up without a father I think you need to take a step back and think real hard on what that would do to your children. You might think you are the worst father on earth ect, you might have even made some mistakes, but you are still their father, and trust me they will miss you when you are gone and be hurt by it.
Also it’s not too late to change. If you are feeling like that maybe consider trying to get on medication and talking to someone, maybe even your wife. There is no better council than from that of loved ones. I would hate to see other children grow up without a father. I know how I felt and how it damaged me. Be thankful for what you do have your family and the love of others. Appreciate the small things you do have in your life. I hate to sound like a hypocrite since I know I will most likely be ending my own life in the near future, it is what it is I just hate seeing other people do it, especially those with a family that loves them.
Hello Friend
I arrived here on SP in much the same way almost 3 years ago. I am a Survivor thanks to some awesome souls on this site…and my inherent stubborness. The difference between my life today and when I first got here is mind blowing. Have you had a NDE? I ask because of your last sentence. If you are determined to continue for your family…why not make it the best experience you can? I understand the reason that most of us are here is due to fear and anger. I know lots of folks have all kinds of trauma and diagnosable symptoms…but the common denominator seems to be fear of death and fear of life…just as you stated.
I have struggled with those same thoughts and anxieties for more than half a century…and now I am GOOD. It was a long, hard struggle with no meds other than medical marijuana…but they say I have made it.
I also believe that we are in the process of a major evolutionary leap in humanity…and that most of us coming in this last few decades…well…let’s just say that our brains don’t work quite the same as the average Joe.
I can’t make your decisions for you….I just wanted you to know that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel…and if you keep fighting and moving forward…the payoff is awesome. I am an 8 time survivor myself…so if there is hope for the likes of this stoopid old woman…there is hope for all.
Love and Light
Amakua
“Depression is merely anger…without enthusiasm.” Paulo Coehlo
Better late than never Amakua. I know that phrase is cliche, but it is true. You were also able to hang on against your terrible enemy. Hopefully you continue to be good.
They say I am a breakthrough….that I will never go back to sleep again. The great they being my therapist and psych. I can’t promise I will always be good…I am human…after all. But they promise me I will never be suicidal again….I even conquered a 50 year battle with anxiety and panic disorder. I had to learn how powerful my mind was…then understand what I was doing with it…to myself. Sounds simple…but I promise it is not…however it is worthwhile. 😀
I guess you under estimated yourself. I am glad you beat back what was bothering you. Many of us lose to our demons. I know it isn’t simple I also have bad anxiety and it has prevented me from a lot of things, among the other problems I have as far as being scitso effective and most likely though not diagnosed yet suffering from PTSD. I show many of the same symptoms though it could be the other disorder I guess. As far as seeing the future, none of us can, but at least in the present you are good. Celebrate that victory at least.
Well DC001…it would be nice if it was that simple…but my diagnosis was 2 pages long. haha Including complex PTSD, OCD, GAD…blah, blah three bags full. But these are not things I had…but things I was given. Truth…because I didn’t understand why all these horrible things had happened to me. I attempted suicide for the first time before I was 4 years old. And let me tell you…when I attempted…no planning…no looking for help. Any of the 8 times I attempted. When I came here 3 years ago I had turned 50 and had to apply for social assistance for the first time in my life. My partner of many years left. My grandson died. I lost the use of my left arm. The police asked me to take my youngest grand daughter who had been severely traumatized. And so very much more…including dealing with a suicidal 15 year old and servicing 4 generations of my abusive family. All within less than 3 months. So I wasn’t suicidal…or I wouldn’t have come here. I came because I could feel that numbness coming on…and didn’t want to attempt again…and it worked.
Also please keep in mind that I have been in and out of therapy in one form or another since I was 15 and I am now 53. I also am an Aspie…so I think I get the social anxiety you are talking about. My youngest had severe social anxiety and is also an Aspie…but with hard work…she is a successful young woman…healing and dealing. I have no demons other than my own twisted thoughts and emotions that I created myself…in order to deal with a life that was impossible. I am a Survivor of lifelong and at the time of diagnosis…ongoing sexual, physical, and emotional abuse…so no demons here…just the thoughts and emotions of a small wounded child in the brain of a grown ass woman. haha sorry for the rant
I forgot to add, if I were you I’d take a long look into your kids eyes and think carefully, do you really want to miss out on seeing them grow up and miss all of the happy times that are yet to come being with them? I would also hug your wife and do the same thing. You are a blessed man and you may not even realize it because of how you are feeling at the moment.
I am a fool, I know. I hate that I am this way. You are right, DC001. I am so sorry for the pain and trauma you have had to endure. As I said in my first and last paragraphs, my children are why I am a live now. Why is it that people who are going to commit suicide have the best advice to others who are suicidal? I suppose that answer is obvious. The more important question is, why doesn’t that advice work on ourselves?
Amakua, you have a beautiful name or pseudonym. I don’t know how many times I’ve come close to committing suicide, but each time I’ve either failed or backed away for different reasons. It brings me hope that this will pass. I have bipolar. Medication helps until it saturates my brain and doesn’t allow me to feel anything at all. We all have our reasons for being here. I am here because I seek understanding in a community of those who suffer or who have suffered. Your are not a “stoopid” old woman. Kind and authentic words in a dark place last an eternity. Thank you.
Well that’s the ticket isn’t it? If you have hope…you have more than most. What a nice place to start to retrain your brain eh? The loss of hope is what pushes the depressed person into suicidal thoughts in the first place eh? So Hope is precious. Good Luck on your journey…and thank you for your kind words…but at my age just figuring it out??? Stoopid. ha
Signed up to comment on this. I have a similar situation to you. I want to as well. I even have good reason. When I was in Afghanistan my family got on so much better. My children started doing wonderfully in school, my wife was less stressed and even stopped yelling at the kids (which seems to be her favorite activity when I’m around). My children’s grades in school got better. It was all around better for my family for me to not be there.
But my son worships the very ground I walk on. My daughter tries oh so hard to impress me and make me proud of her even though she wouldn’t admit to it. And I just can’t do it because of them.
Children are the very best reason to keep on keeping on.
I suffer from scitso effective disorder, so I understand the whole mood thing. I keep repeating a similar pattern and end up being homeless or worse so I can sympathize with how despite everything you have to deal with. I hate seeing others do the same thing I know deep down in my heart I will end up most likely doing it in the near future.
Talking about it isn’t even me trying to get attention or other nonsense, I’ve simply reached a decision. I’m going to try meds and talking to someone to see if that can help, but I have my doubts. I hate seeing others do it though which is why I talk against it. As to taking our own advice, that is an interesting question.
Maybe it’s a lot easier to give advice than to take it. You like me have had to fight against some invisible enemy your whole life, after 28 years I truly am at my limit. I’m not blessed like you though to have a family of my own or a wife and kids that love me. As I said in the earlier post you are more blessed than you may realize. I’ve lived my entire life alone and in darkness and isolation because of what is wrong with me. I am anti social and keep express emotions well, I also get a lot of anxiety being around large groups of people or many times even a few.
Maybe people who are going to end it have some decent advice because a part of us is already on the other side already at least mentally. Though what I’ve said hasn’t been said 1000s of times by other people. If I do end it, which to be honest I most likely will I’m going to make sure I can do some good for people before I do meet my end. As someone who is already partially on the other side when I read stories like yours I see light and hope for the future.
My sister has the same disorder. My whole family suffers from one mental disorder or another. I know how you feel, though. We’re like lemmings walking into the sea whilst trying to stop other lemmings from walking into the sea.
I am afraid tha I will pass this on to my children.
When I get really closes to jumping or otherwise ending life, I start reaching for alternatives just to make sure this is really where I’m at. I think of stupid crap like I’ve never gone skydiving or taken any real risks in life. I always think maybe I can change my life or find a purpose or help someone else, but then when I get back, it’s back to the same groove I was in. I realize completely how pathetic I sound
As for you, I see you going around posting messages of hope for other people. A hope that you evidently do not have for yourself. I know simple words of encouragement don’t dull the pain or bring color to the gray. But, I wish you well. I wish you peace. And, I hope that you find that peace in this mortal coil.
In my life, I’ve felt that pain is better than nothingness. Suicide is born of hope in the unknown, because the known sucks. I need to change my known. I just don’t have a purpose right now. In the back of my mind, I hear, “You asshole, you have kids! Aren’t they purpose enough?” I live for them, and I love them. They are mostly unaware of my demons. If we could change the way we felt with simple logic, we could end mental disorders.
I’ve found helping others especially other people who are dealing with what we are helps to some degree at least for me, even though I know I’ll most likely be dead in the near future I still get some feeling helping other people out, it’s better than the emptiness I usually feel. You aren’t pathetic despite where you are at, you are still trying to hold on and be there for your family, that is actually admirable not pathetic.
We all have our demons some more than others and struggle against them every day. Even though I have no hope, when I see others who do and who are in the same place I am talk about killing themselves especially when they have so much to live for and so much light in their lives I hate seeing that. Ironic someone who most likely is going to end it hates seeing other people end it.
I’ve just seen so much senseless death and suffering I figure why add more. I doubt I find peace in this mortal coil, but I hope others do at least. As to finding you peace or some higher purpose besides your children to devote yourself too, the truth is you may never find it and will most likely struggle with your mental illness like many of us here do.
Finding small things in life that give you pleasure and some measure of happiness besides the usual is important. Maybe pick up a hobby or something you are passionate about that is healthy and/or productive. If the Robin Williams thing taught us anything it’s even people with so much struggle with their inner demons and even get defeated by them. I am unsure of your martial situation, that’s your business but if you think your wife would be supportive which most likely she will be, just choose the proper time and place to discuss this with her.
Or find someone else you trust and who’s opinion you value and discuss what you are going through maybe they will have a good idea or two or some help advice, or at least you have someone you can talk to when you are in that mood. Think of how drug addicts have sponsors for NA or AA. Just like drug addiction we all have our triggers and where as drug addicts have cravings to use, we have certain thoughts or feelings. When you get to that bad place having someone you supportive can be a life saver.
As the AA book says understand your life has become unmanageable and that you are powerless over your addiction. People who suffer from some mental health problems from my observation follow a similar behavioral pattern. Don’t think you can do it alone sometimes we all need help in our lives. There is no shame in that, it’s better than the alternative.
Sorry can’t express emotions very well typo.