I’m Not Through Yet…

My name is Karman Quinn Steward, I am 20 years old, and I attempted to take my life. Three times…
March 29th, 1994-June 12th, 2012
March 29th, 1994-February 3rd, 2013
March 29th, 1994-August 18th, 2013
For the first time in a long while, I was boiling with a sick determination. I was ready to make one of the above be the cover of my funeral program. Every one of my family members, friends, loved ones, and everything in between would gather to see me finally at peace. The confusion I thought they deserved would cloud their minds…
“I should have called her more.”
“But she was always smiling! This makes no sense!!”
“I should have noticed something greater was behind her tremendous weight loss.”
“I should have… I could have… If only I could turn back time… She would still be here.”
These sick, sick visions came over me as something joyous when I was so submerged in depression, bringing others into that place with me seemed to be my only place out.
Nobody saw anything wrong with me. Not a soul. I coated my eyes that stung every time I blinked with four-five coats of mascara, wore baggy clothes to cover my bones, let my hair cover my puffy face, and prayed I blended in with the narrow minded people of the world. The people who are way too concerned about getting from point A to point B with ease, that they don’t lift their heads to simply smile and say hello to the people placed in their daily commutes. If today was a day I could actually scrape up a reason to go out and live the life I was blessed with, I would regret it. It wasn’t until April 18th, 2014 (Good Friday) that I would make one last attempt of ending my life, that would end up resulting in breathing a whole new lifeinto me. I looked into the mirror, and prayed to the God I was very convinced was getting a kick out of me falling apart. Between my heavy breathing, as tears fell like hail between my down my face and onto my marble bathroom counter, I used all of my energy to force the words out.. Out loud, “Lord, I can not do this anymore. I am anxious about being anxious, I am depressed about being depressed. I can’t find a reason to live after I say finish this prayer. If you are listening to me, you need to tell me one, RIGHT NOW! If not, I guess I’ll see you shortly. Amen.” I opened my eyes, and looked into the mirror.. I had an epiphany. An insane, insane epiphany. There was NOTHING wrong with me.
My heart. It was racing. But it was racing all on it’s own. I didn’t need a pacemaker to do that for me.
My mind. It was racing with such terrible, dark thoughts. If it had the capability of doing that, imagine if I allowed only good to brew there. I saw all of this with..
My eyes. They are this already very unique shade of brown that turns gold sometimes. I could see all of the terrible in the world, what if I only allowed myself to the good in people. I would have to scrape that up with..
My hands. I have a perfectly good pair that were going to open the pill bottle that was going to take me out. Imagine if I used them physically help people to move the darkness out of their way to run. I could do that too. With..
My feet. I could run like my life truly depended on it when an anxiety attack would take over. Imagine if I used my speed physical capabilities to run towards what God has in store for me. Towards…
My future is SO BRIGHT! I am not guaranteed a long life, but, I am guaranteed a life full of blessings that I can thank depression for handing straight to me. It was a thief. It took EVERYTHING from me, but, it gave it all back. In better condition. I am truly thankful for everyday I am given now.. Funny how that worked out, eh?
Thank you, depression. Thank you, General Anxiety Disorder… This one is for you!!