“You’re only 22, suicide is not the answer. Tons of life left ahead.”
Its easy for someone to say when they can’t fully understand what your going through, how you feel, or how you think. The suffering that goes on inside consistently. Its easy for people to say that suicide is the easy and selfish way out when they just don’t understand. Does it hurt to think about how much you would be putting your friends and family through when you decide to end your own life? Of course, but they can never truly get the pain and suffering that goes on internally.
I’m fortunate enough to have a family and friends who have supported and been there for me my entire life, even through all the mistakes and fuck up’s that I have made in life. The amount of money and time that has been invested into me growing up and becoming something, and living a happy life, will all be considered time and money wasted when I decide to just end it. That hurts, but what hurts more that they will never understand is the constant negative thoughts that goes on, the depression, the anxiety, the pain. Death is inevitable, but at this point I believe that me choosing to end it on my own terms is as well.
Sometimes there isn’t a known reason behind the cancerous thoughts that go on in my head, or the depression and negativity. There are times that I am happy and forget about everything else that’s going on with me, and I would give so much to be able to live a happy life without thoughts of wanting to off myself. I want to be well, I didn’t ask to be born onto this earth, I didn’t ask to feel this way about my life.
I’m afraid to talk to people about this, I am scared to get help, I know meds and a therapist is only a short-term temporary solution. I don’t want people to look at me as someone who is broken, or ill. I don’t want pity from others, I feel sorry for myself enough as it is. I will continue to fight as much as I can, until I am no longer strong enough to fight it, but I don’t think that my pain and misery will be around much longer, nor will I, and maybe that’s just for the best. I will no longer be able to be in pain, I hope that my friends and family will be able to understand even half of what goes on inside and not suffer from my decision. If I am gone it will probably be for the better anyways.
I’ve accepted the fact that the one decision that ill never be able to fix in my life, is the one that i’m likely soon to make. I hope that something changes, and everything will be alright, but I don’t look at that as an realistic outcome.
I hope that all those who are feeling similar can find the help they need, and enjoy the life that they want, and be stronger than me when it comes to fighting this mental illness.
3 comments
I’m staring down 22 and feeling the same way. However I don’t agree with your ‘be stronger’ part in the last sentence. I’m a bit biased against the phrase, admittedly, but I think what you are going through isn’t strength versus weakness. Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find some solace in the stories of others as I have yours.
Keep your family close as their involvement can really make the difference, even if you don’t see it right now.
Hey Rey, appreciate the reply. The strength vs weakness I think just comes down to how far you can continue to fight whatever it is your going through until you hit that breaking point, I don’t want it to seem that making a choice to not live makes you a weak person. I can only struggle and try to move forward for so long before it takes a big enough toll on me mentally to where I just give up. Some days are good, just the bad days are really bad, and consistent. Puts me in a irrational thought process to where death seems like the only option. Over the past year I have kind of isolated myself a lot from my friends and family. When I go through the tough times I have a habit of just ignoring everyone around me, I find too much shame in being open with what I am going through to them.
Like I said though, I will continue to fight until I can’t anymore, in hopes that I can become better. If not though, I am at peace and ready to go whenever I decide the time has come, which I don’t see being too far from now.
Its hard for me to not be grateful for the good times I have had in my life, reading some posts here I can see that many have had struggles since the start, and have gone through a lot of unfair and unnecessary pain caused by others that I have been lucky enough to never have been put through. Everyone is here for a reason though and has their own stories and shit they go through, I hope that those who can find light of things find a way out so they can live a happy life, without resorting to ending their own.
I, myself, am 21 and I understand everything you’re saying. My suggestion is, if you’re going to continue fighting anyway, it might do some good to get on medications. It may not help (they don’t seem to work for me), but it is possible they could help you. And if you have a good support system, that with meds might be a good combination. But if you’re really not up to it, I understand that too and support your decision.