I don’t know where to start.
I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. That alone was absolute hell. Every day was about reading the bible and going door to door to convert people. I never had time to be a kid. To make it worse fun was practically a sin. When pokemon came around I wasn’t aloud to play, because Pokemon were “Demons”. When Harry Potter came around I wasn’t aloud to read, because harry potter is a “Warlock.” Instead I spent my entire youth learning how to speak in tongues, how to convert someone, that I’m a bad person. There were no holidays in my house, no Christmas, no birthdays, no halloween. From an early age I was taught hate. Hate people, hate holidays, hate the government, hate yourself, hate music, hate this race, hate this idea, fear God, hallelujah.
School is another story. My parents taught me, “Education doesn’t matter, this system of things will burn any day now. You just watch.” So I had no motivation to learn. Time goes by and the schools start to explain to my parents that they want to send me to a special education school. Somehow I dodge that, but I wish I hadn’t. The other kids beat me and ridicule me. I start to go to therapy; “It gets better.” It never got better for me.
High school comes. Still failing all my classes. Teachers scoff at me and are disgusted to have me in their classrooms. “You’re a sophomore and you’re still taking Algebra 1? What are you going to do with your life.”
At the end of freshman year I tell my parents I don’t want to be a Jehovah’s Witness anymore. The congregation puts me on an apostasy trial and says that I am hereby excommunicated from the church. My family thinks I’m a devil worshiper now. Due to this my parents say that once I’m 18 I have to move out. I would have no where else to go seeing as my entire family is full of Jehovah’s Witnesses and now thinks I worship the devil.
This doesn’t make my high school experience any better. I get a job washing ambulances in sophomore year. Unable to balance school and saving up money to prevent becoming a homeless person I dropout of high school in junior year after I’m told that I will likely have to stay in high school for two to three more years. No family to live with, no friends to fall back on, what choice do I have but to dropout and work? School suggests I see a therapist. So I pay a person 100 bucks and hour to say cliche therapy things. It doesn’t work out. So he suggests I take drugs. Anti-depressants don’t have any affect on me, and are also just sucking up all my money.
I’m almost 20 now. I’m still living with my parents under the condition that I don’t intervene in their religious duties and pay rent. I’m planning on getting a GED soon. I don’t know what i’ll do after that. With no motivation, ever, I’ve never really wanted to be anything. I don’t know what to do, where to start. It seems like the last 20 years have meant nothing.
From an early age, people always told me “It gets better.” When do things get better? In another 20 years? That’s just too long, and the chances of things getting better are too slim. I’ve been contemplating suicide for years now, and the longer I go on the more it seems like the only option to get out of all this.
5 comments
:/
Well I read your post and I can see why you are dissapointed with life right now. I know that Jehovas Witness people are really big into making their religion their whole life pretty much and they think everything is evil. Also religous cults like that are very controlling. They give you a big list of things you cant do and tell you your a sinner if you live any other way or toss you out and you have grown up around all that. Having a heavy reigion forced on you as you grow up can be really restraining and YUP you missed out on some good times others were allowed to have.
As far as the edcation goes YES its important to be educated > work on gettting your GED at least and after that you could self educate. People that make good money and have good jobs are educated and smart and you have the rest of your life to contend with. Unfortunitely therei are not as many great opportuitis out there currently as there omce was but you can make it
you could learn a trade. I feel for you on the suicidal thing I have been off and on with suicidal thoughts for several years > and I have had some serious attemps/ I found out the hard way that its not always that easy to kill yourself. somebody might step in and save you or the method might not work if its not planned out right.
If I were you Id go to tracker tralier school and get your specail license to drive them then get a job those big truck drivers make like 50K a year and you get to travel and see different areas.
there also is available work in that industry. Life on the road can be soothing to theh soul too
just tosssing someting out there. I know your not a devil worshiper or anythining like that
some people go to far with their religious stuff and it can become overwhelming
get out of there and see the world.
Oh buy the way on the > Does it get better question? < YES life does get better then what you have been through so far but you have to make it better. Its all about choices
do some studying about careers and pick one that you like
also going into the military is an option too.
I kind of feel the same way. It seems like dying is the only sure release. or the pain of life is so much that Ill take my chances with leaving rather than staying. I can partially relate to your story. certain members of my family think I am a “sinner” for leaving the Mormon Church. Ive struggled for Years with homelessness because I had no family support . They would not allow me to live with them because I left the church. Ive essentially been a stray dog ever since.
Really you must focus on you. Find a profession and work your ass off (sounds like what you’ve been doing anyway) to get a better life.
People say shit that you are behind. Forget ’em. They don’t know you and what you have been through. You do though. You are obviously very bright. No need to suicide. You will get through this. You will see your own way through.