It is hot and sunny out. 12:30pm. I hate feeling this way when it looks like that outside. When it’s daylight. Feeling suicidal in the sense that it’s more comforting to think about suicide then it is to think about how awful and worthless I am, but I’m not sure I would actually attempt something.
I got a new job. A real job. Real money. Real benefits. I should be ecstatic right now…and I was yesterday. So much so that my head was completely spinning with lists. Things I need to do. Things I need to buy. Things I need to be. Spin spin spin. I reached a point where I was so excited I couldn’t do anything. I needed lots going on. TV. Netflix. Itunes. It was all going as I just sat. I needed noise. Does that make sense? Then I crashed today. I want to die today. Happiness doesn’t last…but I guess neither does this feeling.
I have a drug test on Monday. All I want to do today is take about 6 sleeping pills so I can wake up when it’s dark again, but I’m so nervous about it showing up on the screening. I think I’m being paranoid. I KNOW I’m being paranoid. Wine. I could just drink. It’s a little depressing to drink when it’s so sunny out. I could drink and watch “The Bridge”. I have no car. I’m stuck here. I hate being stuck.
2 comments
You still have your legs and your feet you are never stuck. Nothing lasts, and that feeling to shall fade. Be happy you have a good job, now you need to find the love of the right person. Love makes everything better. Save up for a car then if you budget your money right and don’t buy as many things you should have one in no time.
This morning I was happy. Now I’m suicidal. I can relate to it changing back and forth.