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Yesterday, I got a package in the mail, but it was delivered to my aunt’s house. I went to her house, and when I saw the handwriting on the package, my knees buckled and the tears started to pour out my eyes.
It was my mother’s handwriting. My aunt explained before my mom died last week, she sent the package to my aunt because she knew she didn’t have much time left. It was postmarked 25 August 2014, two days before she passed away.
I opened the package, and it was three feet long, very slowly, as I was careful not to tear any part of where Mom wrote. Inside, I found no note, but there was the most beautiful porcelain geisha doll lying before me in all of her pageantry, adorned in a red and gold kimono and adornments in her perfect head of hair. I couldn’t believe it. As shocked and surprised as I was, it made my heartache for her even more. To know she was thinking of me, despite the pain she was in, and to give me one last gift was comforting and amazing.
One week ago today, my mother passed away. This morning, my father called. I ignored it at first, but something was telling me I should take the call. The first two words out of his mouth, and he was crying, which he never does, were ‘I’m sorry.’ He apologized for excluding me from Mom’s memorial service plans and asked me to sing. Despite the horrible way he’s treated me, and the abuse I’ve suffered because of him, I forgave him. I did it for myself and for Mom. Carrying all this pain and anger for so long, I’m tired, and it only has hurt me in the long run. I know Mom’s divine intervention is responsible for what happened this morning. I believe she was telling me from beyond everything is going to be okay, like she used to tell me when she held me in her arms. To know she’s still with me, watching over me just as she has done since I was born.
Maybe there’s hope for me to live after all. Maybe there’s a reason I should still keep going forward with my life. As long as I know my mom’s love for me is still alive, I should press on and keep her memory alive as well through me.
Thank you Mom. I love you. Always.
12 comments
Wow.. that’s beautiful
Thank you.
I read your last post too and I am so happy to hear you found some solace. What a beautiful gift from your mother.
Thank you.
I know I still have a long way to go, but I hope it’s the beginning of the healing process. I know it won’t be easy, and I’ll still have shitty days. I want to give it one more shot to get to a better way of life. I think I deserve to be happy.
As much as I want to be with my mother, I can’t just yet. I know she wants me to go on with my life, and find the love and joy I have searched so long for. I don’t want her gifts to be in vain and honor her for what she did for me.
I am glad you’ve found some very rare healing through forgiveness. Most do not realize how forgiving someone frees us from the bondage of bitterness; it is even sweeter knowing you can have an opportunity to continue to be close to your mom through your dad and his experiences. Great things can happen through forgiveness and for you, I believe they will. It took a huge amount of courage for your dad to contact you at such a time, and even more courage for you to pick up the phone.
-peace
Thank you.
I have to admit, I am still skeptical of my dad’s apology. I worry if he’s putting on a show just to save face, or if he’s sincere, or if things will revert back to what they were after the memorial service is over. Being an optimistic pessimist, I will give him the benefit of the doubt…for now out of respect for my mother and myself.
That was very beautiful. Thank you for posting it here. I hope the doll reminds you of strength and love when it’s hardest to find those things in yourself. Take care.
You’re very welcome.
I updated my post with a picture of my Japanese porcelain geisha. The picture doesn’t do her justice, but I just wanted to put a picture to my words. She is as beautiful as my mother is.
I apologize for my messy garage. Hehe.
Hello, I read your story before, too. This, to me, is such a bittersweet thing. Your mom died, and it hurts so bad but then this, a message to tell you that she was lovingly thinking of you until the end, making you feel that holding on was worth it. I got teary-eyed. :’) Anyway, I also commend you for wanting to forgive your father, as that takes a huge freaking heart, maturity and an open mind but just be careful okay? I hope his apology is genuine and that he treats you better from now on. Take care and I’m glad you will get to sing at the service. Good luck. 🙂
Thank you very much.
As I mentioned before in one of my previous replies, while the want to believe my father is being sincere, I can’t help but be skeptical. All I can do for now wait and see. For my sake and the frayed ends of sanity I have left, I hope it begins a much-needed healing process. All I have is time.
I’m taking things one day at a time. I figure if I can get through at least one day, the better chance I have to stay alive. Even before Mom died, I made an appointment to see yet another new psychologist/psychiatrist because my mom rode my ass until I did it. It’s just so frustrating to me to have to start the whole damn process again. Unfortunately, so many financial cuts have been made for mental health services, a lot of us have no choice but to wait, even though most of us need help immediately. Why would we be there if we didn’t? It’s sad to see so many people not get help because the services just aren’t there. It creates a dangerous downward spiral to the point where people seek other ways to numb their pain, like I did with drugs.
Mom, bless her kind heart, knew I was sick. I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 14, which was called ‘manic depression’ back in the day. For 25 years she watched me struggle, and she said she felt helpless because there was nothing she could do to take my pain away. I can’t imagine how painful it was for her. Even though she didn’t understand the extent of my illnesses, her love and support never wavered.
I want to find some sort of stability, which I haven’t had in a millenia. I want to get better just so I can at least function. But, I want to go on living because I know Mom would want me to. She just wanted me to be happy. I’m a strong old broad just like she was. I’m also a survivor just like she was. I owe it to myself and my mom’s memory to take a chance and try.
I know you can do it. Will be here to support you on your journey. 🙂
Again, thank you. I’m a bit teary eyed because of everyone who has read my stories and the outpouring of encouragement is amazing to say the least. Having the support of people I have never met is humbling and mind blowing to me. I wish I would have found this site sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have taken the drastic actions I made and ended my life. However, I came back from the dead. A lot of others haven’t been as lucky as I was to get another chance. I feel horrible though. My mother fought to hang onto her life, and I was so ready to cast aside mine so easily. I’m ashamed of myself.
To all of you, from the bottom of my very fragmented heart, thank you.
Maybe my stories will help someone someday.