Pain freak

So I am not currently trying to kill myself, well as of now that is not the plan. I’ve been starving myself for about a week and a half so that I can feel how bad it hurts, if things work out perfectly I’ll be near death and in excruciating pain before I eat anything. Things are actually going good , I was 105lbs when I started and today I am at 97lbs when I stand I get dizzy and my stomach is constantly growling but I actually have completely lost my appetite the smell of food makes me nauseas and I’m so fatigued that I pretty much lay in bed all day even if I’m not sleeping. When I do sleep I wake constantly because I’m losing so much weight and it hurts my back and stomach to lay on them . I think of it as a game . How badly can I hurt myself until I am dead and will I choose to stay alive?