New here. I have battled bi-polar and major depression for years. Spent almost 4 years more in the hospital than out of it. Been on enough meds to support a pharmacy, 18 ECT treatments, you name it. From when I was first diagnosed, at 21, until I was 33, I had one therapist who stuck with me, no matter what. And I threw some major drama at him back in the day. It has seemed that I have to rise from the ashes every day, and each time, there is less of me there. Now 45, My physical health has deteriorated; back surgery, thyroid problems, to name a couple. Constant, un-relenting pain. Marriage trouble. (Lost my first husband when I got so sick-he bailed.) 2nd one is a mess. Parents both passed away last two years. Finally reached the end of my rope. Reached out and called my therapist, and guess what? I was told to find someone else. I am completely alone. Really, no reason to keep playing this game. How many times can you rise from the ashes? For who? For what? No one is there.
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I’m sorry you feel this way. I feel like I should say something but I don’t know what. Maybe a new therapist is worth a shot? Nothing to lose at this point by trying one, right?
Thank you for your reply. I tried another therapist a couple of years ago, and had a PTSD flashback so bad it erased years of work in a second. Then, that therapist killed himself a short time later. I don’t trust/feel safe with anyone other than the one who was always there….until he wasn’t. This is complicated by the fact that my husband is a therapist, knows everyone in town, and works at the local hospital. I have nowhere else to turn. He is a Jekyell/Hyde kind of guy. Literally. I am isolated, have no friends (because he won’t let me really talk to anyone.) I am surrounded by acquaintances, but can get close to no one. We are very public figures in the community. I really, really don’t want to live anymore. But I have a lot of people who look to us as role models. If only they knew the truth. My concern is that, if I killed myself, what would it do to the kids in our class? Or even the adults? Kids, especially, are impressionable. While I feel strongly that my life is over, I do not want to be responsible for planting the seed for anyone else to make this choice if there is any hope for them. So I am stuck. Completely stuck. And I am so, so tired, of trying to make this work.
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This sucks 🙁 I’m sorry you have to go through all of this. Just try to keep holding on… I know it’s hard, but sometimes it’s all you can do. But the Phoenix is a perfect analogy for life. Just continuously trying to rise above it all, over and over, in limbo.
Thank you just for acknowledging me. The issues I mentioned are only the tip of the iceberg, with none of the emotional content I feel. I just really don’t think I can take any more.