Really early morning rant

so i  couldn’t really sleep so i was left all alone with my thoughts, and that’s not really a happy place for me. insert sigh here. heh i’m not used to spilling my problems out, but i thought this might help a little; that and i can think up horrible things for myself and this was a good way to distract myself. and right now any little bit is good. so i suppose i should start with the basics since this is my first actual post and non-comment. i’m 16, i’ve had a pretty good life so far, kind of distant parents, not that i care (grandparents raised me), i have good friends, i’m not bullied, family is rather laid-back, and yet i still end up being silently depressed despite at all this. i look at the world and it feels too bright every single day and that really adds up for me. i kind of hate it, but then i think about the people who’ve lived worse lives than i have and then feel bad since i have never been through that type of thing. even now it just feels like this is a shout out for attention, but i really don’t like attention, which just makes this feel even odder to me. i think of the future at i feel loneliness waiting there for me, a heavier loneliness than i feel right now which in and of itself is ridiculous as i know i’m not alone. i’ve thought about dying and decided against it since i don’t want to cause trouble for my family, but it’s really difficult to live life when just looking at the people around you makes you want to find a place to hide and cry. it’s especially difficult when your mind and your body want and think differently than each other, make it feel like you’re being ripped in two, and if you’ve lived your whole life lying about who you really are. i’ve worn a mask over who i am for so long now i don’t really know what i made and who i am any more. it’s tiring. i really think that i’m whining and complaining, but i can’t judge. i don’t know how to do that very well, in fact i don’t know how to do positive emotions in general nor do i know how to physically feel a positive feeling. negatives come a lot easier to me, but that’s no good. i’m so tired of living this life, but i don’t know any other. i don’t expect comments, but they’d be nice. i guess i’ll see ya ’round the site. oh and night to those still on.