I left for a while because I thought my life was getting better. I had my suicide planned but didn’t go through with it. My financial situation improved and things were almost looking up. Mom’s health has been returning and some of the people living with us moved out.
But then I received a dose of soul crushing reality today that just threw me right back to the end of the line. I made a post about this before but here’s a recap : I’ve never had luck with love. My love has mostly been unrequited. I’ve been in love for the past two years with someone that I knew would never love me but his girlfriend of 8 years cheated on him and left him in January so I spent all this time with him thinking I had a chance to experience real, pure, blissful love for the first time.
I never had a chance at all. I realize that now. He’s started seeing some other girl, someone I’ve never met or heard of, someone that’s much prettier and skinnier than me, someone who probably doesn’t become so terribly depressed that it cripples any love or self confidence she had for herself. I had been tricking myself into thinking someone could love me when I knew the cold reality all along. And now that its happened, my heart is aching as though it had no right to happen in the first place, as if I was entitled to his affections simply because I want it more than any human being has ever desired anything in the history of humanity.
It was pathetic for me to ever think I had a chance. It’s pathetic of me to cry over him or even want to die because of him. Maybe this is just how it’s always going to be. As long as I live I will long and loose and be stuck in a perpetual sense of loneliness. There will never be anyone for me. I will die alone and by my own hand. There’s nothing for me in this life but a second rate existence. I can’t go on if this is the way I have to live. I would rather die than be alone. So I suppose that’s what I’ll do.
Tara
4 comments
I’ve been on my own for years and feel the same, that I’ll never find someone to love, that I’m not good enough. I see lots of good looking people walking around together and then there’s me, alone. I don’t know what the future holds, it’ll be just one person, one moment, one word and a relationship can happen, I just hope I can hold on for it, should it indeed ever happen.
I hope it does happen for you. I’m too far gone to hope. As long as that man is alive, I will never be able to love anyone else.
Thank you for your words.
I actually wrote something similar earlier and deleted it…about a girl who I love and who basically plays with my feelings.
However the one ‘flaw’ in your post is that you’re going after a guy that you knew would never love you back. That’s like hoping you’d make the basketball team but you know you’re only 5 ft tall and can never reach the basket, then being disappointed over it because you knew you wouldn’t be picked.
But otherwise we’re in a very similar boat. I’ve dated a number of girls over time and found love once but it was a doomed relationship since it was long distance. The other girls weren’t into me as I was into them or vice versa. Basically I’ve just had a bad love-life and that is one of the major reasons (among others), probably the key one that I don’t want to live.
I feel if you find someone that you love then other problems in life are easier to deal with but I’ve only known loneliness for many years…some guys bang a new girl each week but women don’t give me the time of day. Anyways my life sucks in general.
I recently had a serious health issue which I’ve recovered from so physically I’m feeling very good…but I think I’ll probably die of a broken heart. If suicide was easy, I would’ve done it already.
Tara I feel your pain. I’m 27 now and haven’t had a girlfriend since I was in my late teens. Women are repulsed by my sight lol I’ve got nothing interesting to say. I copped the bad end of the genetic stick so even if by some fluke of nature a girl thiught I was okay I would disappoint her anyway.
This is the main reason I want to die. I’ll forever be alone. It drives me cross knowing that nobody would accept me for who I am because of my genetic make up ie being physically unappealing.