death

it seems far away but close by.  while my meds are helping me think of it less day by day the universe resists.  A friend from college committed suicide last week.  It’s taking some time to hit me and i still don’t know if I have it for real. I lit some candles. went to the wake, saw the body. But I still can’t. I can’t describe how i feel or what I’m thinking. I know that before in my head I would laugh when i thought about killing myself. I don’t laugh anymore. It’s not that it feels more real or less real but I know that it’s a thin. Like all the times I’ve tried I’ve failed so i was beginning to doubt it.  Think of suicide as a myth, a story told. a boogieman.  Like even if I tried I couldn’t get there so i might as well try to live.

I feel stupid. or foolish or both or lost or afraid. I’m just a mess.I’m a stupid mess af a person and i don’t know why I’m alive or why I live the way I do. I don’t struggle in ways that are more tangible. I am so lucky and stupid and I could have stopped it even though logically i know i couldn’t have. I could have tried. I hadn’t been in touch for a while. I am useless as a friend. Useless.incompetent. confused distracted. stupid. I’m  alone and will always be alone

I can’t let this depression monster win. I can’t i need to fight it but by myself it’s hard. impossible. I need help. help.

therapist says i have to learn to be alone. be comfortable with it.  I hate that answer. Its too hard