Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh i’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl i am, it isn’t me …
Nobody has a clue. I smile, i laugh, i put on such a huge front but inside i’m empty. I’m struggling to survive. Not only emotionally but physically too. I can’t even afford to buy food. Most days i go home and sit and watch tv and don’t eat. I eat once a day. I’m slowly fading away and people say “you’ve lost weight, you looking so good” but actually it’s not by choice. Tomorrow is my son’s birthday. And for the first time ever i cannot buy him anything! I can’t even get him a cake. I’m a pathetic excuse for a mother because i can’t even provide for my child. What is the meaning of this pathetic life? How much longer do i have to live like this? When will i just die. I want to die. I will trade a life for mine. Imagine if i could just trade my life for someone else’s, who is already dying and doesn’t want to die. I’ll die for you! Imagine if it was that easy. See, i don’t want my life but if someone else out there wants it they can have it.
I take pills to sleep, pills to wake up, pills to stop the depression … but none of them work. I need a pill that can fix my heart and fix my head. My heart is empty. Its aching from hollowness. My head is just stuffed up! I’m a waste of human flesh. I’m not worth the air I breath. I’m not worth being a mother. I’m not worth being loved. I’m not a druggie or a drinker or an abuser. I’m just useless. I’m just zombie. I’m a walking-dead. Alive in body but dead in heart and dead in mind…
6 comments
Try, if you can, to not be so hard on yourself. If you want to get a true feeling of your worth, maybe ask your son what he thinks of you. Birthday cakes, gifts, buying crap isn’t important. All that shit is very soon forgotten. A hug, walk in the park, time spent together is worth more than all the gold on earth.
Sounds good Randall…and in a way it’s true but purpill is feeling something different than that and I can understand it.
So, what do you think she’s feeling?
Helpless, hopeless and valueless…like there’s just not enough to keep going.
There are programs out there that help single mothers in need and provide them with food etc. you can also go to local food pantries in your area. Maybe you can find some crafts around your home..crayons, markers..paints..paper.. you could make him a birthday card. I’m sure he’ll appreciate that more because you made it yourself. *hugs*
Ahhh You and I are on the same bus. The whole “It gets better” slogan doesn’t work. It’s hard to live for your child when ypu feel in your heart they will be able to forget you and live a better life with someone who can afford them.