It’s just bullshit, after bullshit. I can’t even keep track. People say just do what makes you happy and that’s a big fat nothing. Nothing makes me happy and if something did we wouldn’t be having this conversation now would we? Didn’t think so, now fuck off. Every time I feel accomplished and proud of something I watch someone else do it better and I feel like shit all over again. Piano: I’m good, someone else is great. Singing: I’m good, someone else is great. Acting: I’m good, someone else is great. Being nice: I’m good, someone else is great. Grades: Mine are good, someone else’s are great. Being pretty: i’m barely, someone else is drop dead gorgeous. Being skinny: I’m not even close…
I hate myself and I hate my life. Never feel good enough. I’m not good enough for the part. I’m not good enough for the team. I’m not good enough for the grade. I’m not good enough for my family. I’m not good enough for him. I never will be. I never will be. I like watching myself bleed. I love the way blood flows out of my body. I could watch it all day, but then I’d be dead, even though that might not be a bad thing.
I was just thinking that if someone read that last paragraph I might get put in a hospital. But then I remember I’m not even depressed enough. Like for fuck shakes! I’m not even fucking depressed enough. I’m not even depressed enough. How sad is that? I’m never enough.
3 comments
I think for me one of the biggest problems with society is how competitive we all are. I don’t know if its just human nature to be this competitive or if its just the environment of this society that promotes it to such an unhealthy level. It seems like we want to quantify every skill and attribute and compare ourselves to everyone else in every conceivable way. Basically you are saying the only way to feel good about yourself is by being better than other people. Yet there is always someone better. It is so unhealthy the way we base all of our self esteem on these comparisons. They say competition brings out the best in people, yet for every person it motivates to be their best it seems to destroy 5 others. It feels like we end up with far more losers than winners. Far more people with low self esteem rather than high. Way too many people left feeling inadequate and not good enough.
Nothing makes you happy? I’m sure there’s at least one thing you love doing and makes you happy. Or maybe you just didn’t find it yet.
You shouldn’t feel all bad just because someone does better. If you’re doing good and keep it up, you’ll make enough progress and become just as great if not better than them.
Maybe i have a bit of a loser’s approach or depression made me think this way, but if you always compare yourself to the best person at a certain thing that you’re going to try, you’ll always get depressed and lose all the motivation to even try it. So don’t think about it too much, just try to enjoy whatever it is that you do, and do it for that.
If you love playing the piano, singing or acting who cares if someone does it a bit better?
Also, being nice is always a good thing, not something i would think you should compete about. 🙂 The actual fact that you’re trying your best to be nice to everyone is pretty impressive by itself.
Being pretty, nice, and skinny aren’t really things that can be measured/compared because everyone have different ideas and tastes when it comes to these.
Oh and sorry for the long post.
I swear my sister could have written this. The one that doesn’t seem depressed….fuck i hope we all don’t have this.