I’ve contemplated suicide for most of my life. In fact, I recall my first memory of considering killing myself at the age of 9. I’m in my early 20s now attending university and in the time that has passed I still question why I didn’t end it all those years ago.
I never am “good enough.” No matter what I do or how well I do it, I am never complacent. Which leaves me constantly feelings disappointed and worthless. After years of these emotions, inflamed by periods of depression and social anxiety I feel I’m ready to end it. End everything. The sadness. The self-hatred. The loneliness. Everything.
I’m tired of living. It is so emotionally draining and I’m wondering why I shouldn’t leave early. I cannot fathom a scenario where I truly feel happy and considering death is an inevitability, why separate the present and that point in time with a lifetime of sadness? Why not just skip to the last chapter?
It saddens me to think there are others who are contemplating the same thing. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably been drawn to this site for similar reasons. Before I go, I want to say I’m sorry for that. You deserve better. Happiness seems to come so easy to some and so elusive to others.
Years later, I think that 9 year old kid is finally going to finish what he started.
2 comments
Good explanation regarding why you don’t just skip to the last chapter…… It is something very reasonable in the decision process. There is this seesaw of thoughts regarding such things….
That’s how you get to where we are. As much as it annoys me that the Happy People don’t seem to get depression, I genuinely do not get how people don’t look at life and arrive at the same conclusion. Its like were not even the same species.