meditation fail

I’ve been trying to meditate recently to clear my mind of suicidal thoughts.  I plan on doing it in the next six months.  But, in the meantime, I’ve got to get some stuff in order.  I don’t want to live the next few months planning out my suicide.  I want to live well and try new things before I die.  And hell, maybe, just maybe, one of those new things will lead to something that makes me want to live again?

So I read that meditation can help with suicidal or obsessive thoughts.  I decided to try it out.  But I just can’t do it.  I try to concentrate on my breath, but suicidal thoughts keep hijacking me.  They are constant.  I might get five seconds of clear concentration before the thought of suicide occurs again.

On top of that, I think that my new antidepressants are messing with my brain chemistry.  I keep feeling these mini vibrations, almost like a mild electrical shock, in my brain.  My head is constantly pounding with my heartbeat and I feel constant massive head pressure.  I literally can’t maintain a relaxed facial expression anymore because my brain hurts too much.  The feeling of head pressure and the electrical shocks have merged together with the suicidal thoughts.  The head pressure/shocks reminds me that I’m going to kill myself.   It makes meditating physically impossible.

Damn.  No escape.  Except death.