No energy. No will. So tired. All the things I used to enjoy seem just a faded memory. Over the last two years, I’ve isolated myself and withdrawn from anyone I cared about and who cared about me. I’ve no one to tell, that I want to burden. They shouldn’t have to put up with a middle-aged knob who’s quit living. I can’t tell my dad, as it would be the crowing achievement as a failure in his eyes. My sister and I aren’t close. To her I’ve always been selfish and irresponsible. My best friend…more like a brother really, I’d just be ashamed to appear as I am now to him anyway. I don’t want him remembering me this way anyway – anyone really. My mum…the only one I think I could talk with, is long dead.
So here I am…writing this out in some anonymous forum. I’m not looking for sympathy, nor advice. Just posting my thoughts and feelings toward the inevitable conclusion that I believe soon awaits. I used to love working in the yard, my job, rugby and footy, golf on the weekends with Jerry, a few drinks at the pub after work w/my mates, talking & playing xbox w/my nephews.
Then my body started to give out on me. Couldn’t play rugby and footy anymore. Lost my job & couldn’t find another one. Stopped going to the pub. Haven’t had a relationship in years. Just stopped everything. Yard is completely overgrown (neighbors must hate me). Inside of house isn’t much better. Can’t stand the thought of even going out to run errands. Don’t keep in touch w/anyone. Duck the few calls that come my way. Except for my dad. He only lives a couple miles away, so I’ve got to put on a facade with him just to keep him at arms reach.
And here we are. Currently, I’m putting affairs in order…at least I’m trying to find the energy to. I can’t have ppl coming by and finding me expired in such squalor. So I’ve got to clean up. Finish my will. Explanation letters to the ones that truly matter. **** it. Gotta find a good home for my cats and my plants. One of my plants was my grandmothers…Damned thing’s been living for over 40 yrs. Wonder if it’s as tired as I am.
Bottom line is…I’m not living anyway – so why carry on.
4 comments
I relate so well to this. however I don’t have a garage so was gonna use my dad’s when he was on vacation last week. didn’t care if he found me, dudes a total prick. but found out my old neighbors were house sitting and couldn’t let them find me. I too have pushed everyone away. family has given up on me. haven’t done laundry in a month and a half. don’t eat unless I’m given free food. barely shower. I just need a damn method thatll work… I have suicide NOTEBOOKS dating back to 2006 latest note says my cats are too go to someone I know and not be separated. I wish you luck. it’s hard to say that and not sound like a ***** but we are all really in the same boat on this site:/
I feel numb every day, i only move enough to survive now, take care of the basic necessities, and my life is miserable, so i understand it, but i have no magical solutions for you.
“You will never know what’s behind my skull
So won’t you say goodnight so I can say goodbye.
You will never know what’s under my hair
So won’t you say goodnight so I can say goodbye.
You will never know what’s under my skin
So won’t you say goodnight so I can say goodbye.
You will never know what is in my veins
So won’t you say goodnight so I can say goodbye.
Won’t you go to someone else’s dreams
Won’t you go to someone else’s head
Haven’t you taken enough from me
Won’t you torture someone else’s sleep?
And you will never know what I’m thinking of
So won’t you say goodnight so I can say goodbye
And you will never understand what I believe
So won’t you say goodnight so I can say goodbye.
Haven’t you taken enough from me
Won’t you torture someone else’s sleep?
Won’t you go to someone else’s dreams
Won’t you go to someone else’s head.
Haven’t you taken enough from me
Won’t you torture someone else’s sleep?
I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark and I
Don’t know where I should go
And the tears and the fears begin to multiply
Taking time in a simple place
In my bed where my head rests on a pillowcase
And it’s said that a war’s lead but I forget
That I let another day go by
I want to be afraid but it seems that these days
I’m caught under water and I’m falling farther
My heart’s getting harder, I’m calling my father
Am I screaming to an empty sky?
Empty sky, no way, that’s me ’cause one half of my heart is free
Empty sky, no way, that’s me ’cause the other half of my heart’s asleep.”
Just don’t. I mean come on, isn’t this life worth anything? Maybe you’re body isn’t young like it used to be, but don’t let that effect your mind. Go to those people you withdrew yourself from. Go and tell them you’re sorry. Go and give them a hug. Go out to lunch with them, and go for a long drive and read on a park bench. Don’t let yourself wither away. Just don’t.
Stay alive,
XOXO
G
Also, you should read “The Five People You Meet In Heaven” by Mitch Albom. It could help.