I’m 46. I’ve lived half of my life already. I’ve been reading through some of the posts, getting an idea of the thoughts – no surprises really. I have been in the place I am now for about 9 months, and off and on over the last 31+ years. That’s a long time to carry burdens.
I do have grown children. Children. The big debate. I did read a post from someone left behind who in an obvious state of anger blamed the departed for leaving them behind selfishly. I have to say there is absolutely no way to assure those that will be left behind that it was probably not done selfishly, and that all the time we do manage to stay is done for those we dread leaving behind.
There comes a point, like where I am right now, that it becomes truly unbearable to wake, move, fake a normal life any longer. And as strange as that may sound to those who do not deal with depression or any other disorder, believe me it is strange to those who do live this way as well.
I had a horrible childhood. I developed an eating disorder that ruled my life. I married two men that were very much like the people from my childhood (abusive, degrading, debilitating). The ED nearly killed me once and I’m truly angry it did not – except for the fact that I got my kids through school.
I live a very invisible life – no friends, no mate, just my children and a mother who I decided to let back in for the sake of…well, my own personal beliefs I guess. No career, I have to take on a second job just to make ends meet, and I’m already exhausted all of the time so I have no clue how I will manage working 70 hours 7 days a week just to make my bills. I felt mostly recovered from the ED for the better part of the last 5 years, but I went through something recently that shoved me off the wagon, and I’m struggling terribly, failing miserably and cannot get a grip. I cannot afford counseling of any kind. The people I’ve reached out to blew me off, told me it wasn’t a big deal and I was being dramatic. Anyone who has ever tried to reach out to someone and was turned away knows how humiliating it feels.
So. Here I am, invisible. Tired. Too tired. And I have a gun in the car. I have no intention of getting past this weekend, and I don’t really want to go past today. Sometimes the guilt is great. Sometimes it’s not. I keep waiting for the last second “thing” to happen to save me, or maybe save me the trouble of doing this myself. It seems like every day for the past month there has been at least one little slap on the face to remind me I’m not needed here…sounds like crazy talk I know, but we interpret the signs in our own way.
Everyone will say, she was so pretty, what about her kids, how could she do this, she always seemed so happy…and no one will be able to say they even knew anything about me, because no one took the time to get to know me. Everyone will be so shocked, and I find that to be so sad.
4 comments
I know how unbearable it can get and most of us on SP know too…we understand if you wan’t to go, no judgement here. Hope you find peace.
Want to talk for awhile? my email is my username at hotmail
I can say I know how you feel. I have been in that dark place also. Most recently last month. I have also carried the same burdens most of my life. I am now 56, soon to be 57. Please know that you are not alone. I am also available to talk to you if you wish. Together maybe we can all find the peace we so desperately need!
I think if I could figure this all out financially, without feeling like I’m still fighting so freaking hard…not to mention giving up sleep and any hope I may have had for a social life now that my kids are off…I could deal with the emotional issues. I mean I’ve been dealing with it for so long. But this is just too much. By myself.