This is my first time posting on this site. I just want to share why I’m considering ending my life.
I’m a 19 year old male from Hawaii.
I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible.
When I was a child, I was coerced into sexual acts by both a cousin and a “friend” (at different times in my life).
At age 13, I was diagnosed with a medical condition known as Marfan Syndrome and was told that people with this disorder don’t live very long. All throughout middle and high school, I was teased because of this condition.
I spiraled into a deep depression, and my grades started falling. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was cheating and bullshitting my way through school because I just didn’t care.
During my second semester of college, I became so depressed that I had to drop out and fly back home to receive treatment.
Soon after coming home, I tried to hang myself, but my dad unexpectedly came home before I went unconscious. The next day, I had a doctor’s appointment, during which I told my doctor that I was suicidal. I was taken to the emergency room, and transferred to a psychiatric ward a few hours later. I spent five days in that unit. (I will further describe my stay in a later post.)
In July, my doctor noticed some improvement in my depression and I was given a letter stating that I was able to attend school for the Fall 2014 semester. However, my parents refused to allow me to go back, saying that they simply didn’t have the money to send me back.
Now, here I am. It is now October. I’m supposed to go back to school in January, but I don’t even know if I want to go back anymore. I’m already a year behind the friends I started with. I’ve stopped taking my antidepressants because I realized that I was wasting my time and money on something that didn’t work. I’m a cashier at a restaurant, a job which I truly despise. The people I live with drive me insane. I always get into little fights with my mom. She is always trying to get me to talk about why I’m depressed, but I refuse to tell her. My depression has turned me into a monster. Every little thing pisses me off. I hate being around people. It’s a struggle just to not scream at the top of my lungs when I’m at work. On my days off, I listen to depressing music and ask myself why I’m still alive. I have come to the realization that nothing in life gets better. And so on. All of this, plus the emotional baggage I’ve carried since childhood, plus the self-loathing, has driven me to my breaking point. I’m just at a point in life where I’m so stressed, I’m not happy, and my problems are too complicated to fix. I’m seriously thinking about killing myself within the next couple of weeks. I’m so done with life.
10 comments
Hi. I had to look up marfan syndrome. I had never heard of it. How severe is it for you?
Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. You say you won’t tell your mom why you are depressed. How come?
I have a moderate case of the disorder. My hands and arms are longer than usual, and there is an indent in my chest. When I was first diagnosed, my doctor was worried that the indent would stop my heart one day. Once in a while, my heart literally physically hurts and I find it hard to breathe. The disorder also affects my vision; I’m near-sighted.
And I will not tell my mom why I’m depressed because she is partially the reason I feel this way. She is always getting on my case about one thing or another, when all I want is to be left alone. And, to be honest, sometimes I’m mad at her for having me in the first place. I know I should be grateful, but it’s hard when everything in my life just has to go wrong.
I’m sorry I hate to be one of these people, because I come to this website to try and empathize with people and help if possible.
But reading your post made me a little irritated.
Just the whole school part of it and your mom bugging you
So what if you are a year behind? According to you ‘they didn’t have the money to send you back’
At least you’re getting help!
I went through almost half of highschool with depression but still graduated with top top marks and test scores, yet because my parents (father and stepmother) make too much money, I didn’t get anything for financial aid.
But do you think that I have received ANY help when it comes to education? No. I had to take out federal loans to the max and pay thousands out of pocket to go to COMMUNITY COLLEGE. I tried going to my University (which has one of the best engineering programs in my state) and I couldnt afford it. I couldn’t even afford community college
So now I WORK at a University as a Janitor and watch EVERYONE else around me get their education while I will not scrape enough after 4 years to afford college.
And your mom? At least she is there and she cares.
I was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother until I moved out when I was 13 only to move in with my father and his wife and kids.
I might as well not exist because they act like I don’t. Hell, they went on a vacation last weekend. I was neither invited nor told, they just simply went.
Like I said, I hate to be one of these people, because we all have our baggage and you can’t really compare the lives of one another unless you’ve been in their shoes
But I find it really frustrating to see you have the opportunities and love that some would really like and to say that ‘everything has gone wrong’.
woeihfoieh sorry mate but thats just my opinion. Not trying to be a ***** or anything, just really frustrated.
I’m sorry to hear that your upbringing was worse than mine. And I say that with the utmost sincerity.
However, the funny thing about depression is that your life doesn’t have to be completely horrible in order for you to get it. You can have everything in the world but still have depression. Just look at Robin Williams. Yes, I may have had a better life than other people, but that doesn’t automatically invalidate what I feel.
Furthermore, I’m getting sick of people using the argument, “You can’t be sad because others have it worse.” That’s like saying, “You can’t be happy because, somewhere, Bill Gates wipes his ass with $100 bills.” Yes, I understand that there are starving children in Africa, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have problems of my own.
Finally, what may seem tolerable to you may not be tolerable to others. Just because you don’t think it’s enough to be suicidal about, it doesn’t mean I feel the same way.
Do me a favor. Before you start being rude on here, learn to walk in others’ shoes before judging them. And since you can’t exactly do that, I beg of you to find compassion in your heart.
@acanthi… Like someone else said on this site once, “it is not a competition!”. Who are you to judge anyone else’s suffering and decide how bad it can be? If you can’t be supportive than don’t bother replying to people who are reaching out.
LOL its not a competition 🙂 I’m sorry people if my first post on here looks like I’m claiming high score, but its not like that. I just needed to vaguely state where I’m at incase any other similar people to me comment with similar story
@acanthi—Theres always one of ya that has to blather ab how much better someone elses shit is than your own.The bottom line is:::nobody knows how fucking awful another may be feeling,regardless of their circumstances being better or worse.Nobody knows what hellish pain another is in,because they are NOT THAT person. When will people on here get a clue that having a decent mom or a chance to attend college cannot make a person who is depressed or in emotional turmoil or mania just get over it because others DONT have those same fucking things. Ive got plenty of “things” and some good family.Im STILL desolate and alone in my heart and my mind,and I want to flee this house and this city and go away forever..RUN or DIE. You CANT measure pain and suffering with comparison of circumstances…so just dont.It only INValidates peoples feelings and fucking makes it hurt worse.Dont you think if happiness or solace could be found in these things,we would not be here trying to let the poison and sadness out?
Amen! Thank you!
Your a lovely lovely lady after my own heart, I’ve learnt how rude it is to compare baggage as heavier or not to someone through having people with extremely less to me flashing theres like its huge whilst I keep mine in the trunk at all times. Only giving glimpses of it at times when feeling need to, but never compare.
As I explained,
“Like I said, I hate to be one of these people, BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE OUR BAGGAGE AND YOU CAN’T REALLY COMPARE THE LIVES OF ONE ANOTHER unless you’ve been in their shoes
But I find it really frustrating to see you have the opportunities and love that some would really like and to say that ‘everything has gone wrong’. ”
i never said they weren’t suffering
I never said that the choice of why they feel awful is unjustified
I simply said I was frustrated with seeing such possibilities thrown away when they have such great potential.
I go here and read other peoples stories and what has happened to them and it can be humbling and help me to fully appreciate everything that I DO have. Thought I would try that out but of course, everyone has their own reactions to it.
You choose how you wish to interpret myself or my words.
@rd79808, I really am sorry if I made you feel worse because I sat there and ‘rubbed it in your face and compared lives’.
We are all here because we have a battle raging inside us that takes all our effort to fight off, because depression is a a huge B. It makes looking into a week from now seem almost impossible, let alone the rest of a life. It doesn’t matter what a person has or hasn’t gone through. We all have an empty spot inside of us that can’t seem to be quenched.
Again, sorry if my frustration got the better of me, I just don’t want you to give up. 🙂