Hi, i don’t really know why i am writing this, or what i hope will come of this. I just don’t have anyone i can talk to right now and i feel like i have to write this down before i completely lose myself. English is not my native tongue, so i apologize in advance for any mistakes.
I am 30 years old. For half my life i have dealt with depression. 12 years ago i have slit my wrists in an attempt to commit suicide. I only failed, because my mother found me in the bathtub, covered in blood, bleeding to death. I will never forget the expression of total horror on her face or the animal like screams she made. I can still picture it clearly, when i close my eyes. She took me to the ER, where they patched me up and then to a closed psychiatric facility for the next month. Medication and psycho analysis followed for the next year. I hated it. The medication stopped the feelings of sadness and despair but also that of joy and happiness. I felt like a zombie. The shrinks were morons and i told them what they wanted to hear to get them off my back. I was not healed. I was just like before. Only that i had lost the option to commit suicide. Those screams still make me shiver.
I have since finished an apprenticeship in the IT industry, worked a 50+ hour week for a few years to save up money to study computer science at a university. I am almost finished and a week away from starting my Thesis. I live with my father now (parents divorced, raised by single mother) because he lives closer to the university and its cheaper that way. I have fought cancer, twice. It was the most painful and horrifying experience in my life and took almost 3 years. The treatment has left my body scarred from the numerous surgeries, i have parts of titanium in my spine that constantly hurt, the chemotherapy has severely damaged my nervous system, so that i have lost feeling in my feet and part of my hands and my hearing is impaired. There were moments during the treatment when i wanted to give up, but i never did. Suicide was not an option.
Lately i have begun to question myself again. I feel sad, alone and feel like i have maneuvered myself into a corner i cant get out of. I don’t have many friends and the ones i got live far away and we have grown distant. I have finished the last university courses i had left, but took no joy in it. My heart felt empty and i was beginning to ask myself why on earth I endured all the pain and suffering of fighting cancer, just to end up where i was before. Alone and sad. Feeling worthless and without purpose. The only thing i have ever wanted in live is to find a woman i can love and who loves me back. Someone i can share my thoughts with, my dreams, my hopes and most importantly, my fears. Someone who makes me feel like i belong. My relationships have never worked out and have never been longer than 2 months. I don’t think i have loved a single one of them. I liked them of course, but not love. Liking someone is not enough.
In the past few months i have met a woman i fell in love with. Its complicated and i wont go into the details (No, she is not married). We have had a wonderful time and i have never met a woman before that i could talk to so easily. We share a lot of hobbies and opinions, have great sex and i feel like she understands who i am. I don’t have to be someone else when i am with her and i don’t want to be. She makes me laugh and not many people can do that. I feel like i am losing her though. She feels more distant every day. Like she wants to end it, but doesn’t know how. I have never been wrong about those things in the past, but i want to be. She is the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing when i go to bed. I don’t want to lose her, but i am afraid i have no say in the matter. I think she will leave me and it tears me apart.
Now I am back in Limbo. Cant go back, cant go forward. My life is on hold until i finally know if she will leave me or not. Thoughts of suicide have become stronger every day to the point where i have actively searched for methods to do it (and found them). My thoughts and my mood are getting darker and i think i will go through with it. I have lost my appetite and the Will to get up in the morning. I take no joy in my hobbies anymore and have difficulty keeping up my mask in front of others. I don’t care anymore about life and i cant think of a single reason why i should.
So i will leave you with the words of William Shakespeare:
“For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come”
What dreams indeed…
6 comments
I’m sorry about what you’re going through. Can you talk to her? It seems like the lack of communication is affecting everything else. At a certain point, you’ll have to make a decision. While I hope that this relationship continues, you will undoubtedly meet other people once you finish school, resume working, and move forward. I say this not because I think things will go one way or the other… but because I think you should be prepared for any outcome. No situation is worth losing your life for. You’re about to start a thesis, finish school, and then begin the work that you studied so hard for. It’s a whole new chapter. Don’t destroy it before it begins.
I don’t know when i will be able to meet her again. Its a little complicated. Hopefully next week.
I don’t care about my job. Never have. I am good at what i do, thats why i do it. But to me, work is only a means to an end. If it wasn’t paid, i would never do it. The only thing i have ever wanted was to share my life with someone. There is no point to life if i can’t have that.
The more activities you do, the more chances you have of meeting that someone. School, work, houses of worship, bowling… Even going to the supermarket lets you meet people. The more people you meet, the greater the odds. If you give up on work, you effectively cut-off an opportunity to make new friends… and see where those friendships go. Life doesn’t happen on a fixed schedule. When it’s your time to meet someone, you will. In the meantime, make the most of it. Set yourself up for success.
I hope that your current relationship works out… If it doesn’t, keep trying.
I know you mean well, but i am not really in the mood for that kind of advice. I am known to burn bridges behind me and no logical appeal has ever stopped me. Maybe that is part of the problem, but i can’t help it.
My fear is, that i opened up to her and she saw something she didn’t like. And now she wants to get away. I have never opened up to anyone before.
You could try couples counseling – it seemed to work for my sister when she was going through a depressive episode, it helped her partner understand and communicate. I also think that counseling would be good for you if you found a therapist that you actually connected with. Good luck.
Therapy is not my cup of tea. I have tried it in the past (even group therapy) and have met with several different therapists. I just hated it. I can’t share my deepest feelings with someone who is payed to listen to me. The whole concept feels wrong to me and makes me feel even less valuable as a person. I know it works for a lot of people and i don’t want to offend, but i find the idea of paying someone to listen to my problems repulsive and could never lower my guard around a therapist.