I feel so low, I have to be around others to earn enough to keep going, I try to hide away so they won’t notice me and won’t talk about me behind my back, even if they do, I don’t want to hear it. I know I have a problem which causes them to do so, if it wasn’t for that I might just be okay. How do normal people cope with it all, laughing and joking and having a good time; hey, I joke, but inside I feel like crap all the time. Life once promised me so much, now I struggle to see a reason to survive into next year, let alone the rest of my natural life. Why must I be on antidepressants, that was never the plan; get a girlfriend, get married, have a child, perhaps two, and live happily ever after, well that’s more like it. Twenty years since I thought my plan was coming true and it’s unlikely I’ll ever achieve even the girlfriend part again, I haven’t had the love of a woman in years, the last one never really loved me even though I loved her so much. She had a son when I met her, I’d have done anything for them both, we could have been happy, but no, she wanted someone better than me, who can blame her, I’m a nobody. If this is my life for however many years until my death then it isn’t worth it, I feel it could have been so much more if only my problems hadn’t occurred, but they’ll always be with me so there’s no point dreaming. I know I can’t see the future, I’ve been telling others here that things may change, but things can also stay the same or get worse, somehow death seems easier. I just seem to be waiting for something that may never happen, and hoping it will.
Hell, I’m so unhappy.
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I understand. I’ve read a couple of your past posts. I think your awesome. I feel depressed half the time, it used to be a lot worse for me… Kind of how it seems to be for you, depressed all the time, that constant ache. I’m sorry for you, keep your chin up. Good luck and keep posting, don’t give up.
Nias, I’m sorry to see you feeling so low. I don’t know where you’re located, but in the USA we’re in that part of late fall where the days are very short and there’s hardly any sunshine, it seems. I’ve been having a rough time of it lately too, and although my sadness is in large part because I’m mourning the loss of a friendship and some very specific hopes and dreams, I wonder if the *intensity* of those feelings, of late, isn’t at least partly due to the lack of sunlight messing with my brain.
I hope we can all find some support here to help us get through the Long Dark of winter…
You’re right on the lack of sunlight. Studies show that when it seems constantly dark out people feel constantly dark. Plus you get vitamin D (tends to make people happy) from the sun.
Explains why Alaska has the highest suicide rates in the US.
@lost, I’m sorry that things are rough for you at the moment, you’ve always been kind to me, and to others on SP.
Sorry things are so bad for you right now. hugs
nias, I’m sorry you feel like this. It seems we are backwards now. I am the hopeful one and you are the one feeling like hope is a lie. I feel as if somehow I stole your hope and that I should give it back.
Even as hopeful as I feel, I can’t help but wonder whether it is all just a dream and any minute now things will go back to how my world has always been. Maybe how you feel right now is similar and you will go back to seeing your world with hope. I know you have hope. If you can believe it about me when there are so many similarities between us, then surely you must see hope for yourself as well.
I really hope you were right and I was wrong…because I don’t want this to be a dream and sincerely wish good things for you.
I’m glad you have some hope now cope, I have worried about you in the past. It is so true that there are similarities between us, a lot of what you write applies to me also, it feels I could have written it myself. I always feel that hope can be built upon, but depression can make it difficult to see that, we must take any opportunity to move forward. Thank you for the good will you show me, I will try to move on, and I hope things will keep going your way too.
Sorry to hear this. I cant give any advice. Thanks for helping people on here.
Thank you for your comments;
I live in the northern hemisphere so the days are drawing shorter, working nights means I hardly see the sun. Depression is always there in the background, I can’t seem to shake it off, then sometimes it comes to the fore and hits me hard, I begin to doubt myself, my future.
There’s alway hope, it just seems hard to see it when the depression gets to this point. Life isn’t totally what you make it, other people contribute to it as well, thank god for SP and the kindness you show each other, it makes my life acceptable to know others care. I’m feeling better now, it’s having to be around others that makes me worried, I need a way of coping. My boss says I can talk to him but it would be madness to do so, what we feel can only be discussed with people who understand, I doubt he could ever understand the mind of someone suicidal. I think part of my problem is looking back in time and thinking what could have been, which is all to common when things are not going well in the present, instead I should be trying to adapted my future to what I want it to be, we should all try that I suppose.
Nias, I still have this tab open in my browser (I like to leave tabs open forever) and I got to wondering how you’re doing. How are you holding up?
Well, I still think about not being around anymore, it’s almost impossible not to as my life never seems to improve, but I’ll be ok for now. I try and hold onto some hope, little things in my life that may herald something better. I fear the start of a new year, it’ll be cold and bleak, a miserable period for me, and the prospect of yet another year of the same old misery. I don’t know what the future holds at the moment, just getting through the days as they come for now, I believe it’s the best way. Thanks for your concern, lost, it does means a lot to know.
nias, you’ve been a real benefit to this board and I hope things get better for you. I’m glad to see that you’re holding onto hope. That’s what I’m trying to do. Tough as it may be, I try to maintain my optimism for the future. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.