First post (probably won’t be my last)

Hello. I was born in a male body and given the name Michael.

I don’t identify as a male. Since puberty, my body has felt as if I had breasts and they were cut off. My penis and testicles feel as if they were stitched on. They’re always in the way.

I would really like to transition. I’d like for people to be able to see me as I see myself, and not the physical husk that I look at in the mirror every morning and every night. I would love to, but I need money, and time, and I need everyone to accept that I’m a woman, and I need them to stop calling me words like “man”. I need professional healthcare, and professional therapy from a woman who understands that gender dysphoria isn’t my illness, it’s society’s illness, and that the integrity of my self-identity is to be respected.

Eventually I can work to achieve these things. Someday, if I continue in this life, I will have my testicles removed and my penis remolded into a pair of labia with a clitoris. Someday I will take hormones that will cause my body to develop thinner hair, feminine hips, smooth skin, and breasts. Someday I will have the money I need to pay for these things.

Sometimes, though, I just think it would be much simpler and much more comforting to just stop existing. I try to think about what it would be like if I had never been born. Because I know that’s what it will be like when I’m dead. And it seems futile to think about nonexistence, because who can possibly imagine what it’s like to not exist? I try to imagine it anyway, because it’s all I can do for myself at the moment.

This feeling of waiting to be allowed to live the life I deserve is what drives me insane, and it’s the reason why no one else can understand my problems or the way I run away when I’m overwhelmed by my life.

As I’m typing right now, I want to kill myself. And not to sound so preachy about it, but shouldn’t I have a right to?