Here Again

Seeing as the nights are simply growing colder no matter the weather outside the glass or the amount of sheets I attempt to crawl beneath, I find myself here again. From time to time, this feeling engulfs my body only to later show the stressing of my seams. Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless; and, as if this statement werent true enough as is, I am a walking suicidal anomaly with as many wounds as demons to show for.

My body is a constant reminder of the years of drug abuse and self inflicted torture. There isn’t a day I awake to feel regret and remorse for perfect skin. Whenever I am without a jacket, the glares and sympathy of gashes too far gone are all I feel. At times like these, love isn’t enough to ignore the lines of cigarette burns when you can’t possibly hate yourself enough to love it.

As I write this, I stare at the clock realizing how late it truly is. Waking up is already a challenge; to wake from barely any slumber is much worse. It had never been enough; it is all too much. There isn’t enough light to cover all my dark. With nobody by my side, the night’s hard to get through. Tonight won’t be the night. Tomorrow may not be the night. With 3 attempts already of a borrowed hope that died coated with IV units and cheap, plastic bracelets, it’s difficult not to feel disappointed in oneself.

By the morning, I know this heavy, hollow feeling will cave deeper within me. My feelings will anchor me to my bed once more. The abandonment with which I’ve carried in my heart will burden my being; by tomorrow, I will feel torn apart. When don’t I feel this way? This is another walk around the park. I am here once again.

In sweetness comes suffering, and I’ve suffered long enough to have diabetes. There is another world. There is a better world. There must be. Don’t bring tomorrow; because I already know I’ll lose you.