I’ve already figured out how I’m going to do it, I’m just struggling on the when part. Is there ever a right time? I’d do it today but my daughters birthday is thursday. Should I wait till after? I just don’t know if I can bear the pain till then. I know the hold that a death anniversary holds on people so I’m trying to be considerate of that. But like I said, I don’t Know if I can bare to go through another day. I’m so done.
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I think that if you’re asking about a right time, there might not be one. Not only for you, but for your daughter as well. If you’d like to share a little of what’s happening, you’ll find some friendly people here. Sometimes it helps to share and get it out of your system. Most of us found this site during particularly dark times. We understand some of the most challenging of moments. Think about things… Think about what you want to do in life… and think about your daughter. Nothing is worth dying for.
To skim the surface…. I’m married for 8yrs now. 3 children. 13s, 7d, 4d. A husband who is a wonderful financial provider but that’s it. Very absent and no communication at all. Not even with the the kids. I’ve lost many many people who I was close to. The most painful being my 29yo brother on 9/23/09. Heart failure at his home. Completely unexpected and world shattering. My mother has never recovered and is in her own major depression so there is no relationship there. My father is in advanced stages of muscular dystrophy so his Time is coming to an end. Our relationship has become strained bc he chooses to take my husband’s side bc he thinks he is wonderful for me. I have md that is getting worse and affecting my daily abilities. I’ve become a monster and hate myself and feel that I am damaging my children more and more each day bc of my yelling and inability to be patient. I know they will be well taken care of. And with the right counselor they will be able to move past me “leaving”. I just don’t want to hurt anyone anymore than I already have. And I can’t stand to live another day hating my own self. I’m ready to join my brother and put myself and my kids out of the misery that has now become our daily lives.
to quote yourself ‘ And with the right counselor they will be able to move past me “leaving”” I don’t think anyone will ever be able to move past loosing someone they love through suicide. Have you thought about trying the right counselor for yourself?
As tiyara noted, perhaps now is a good time to get yourself some assistance before you do anything. I’d encourage you to do anything and everything to get yourself the resources you need. In my county, there is an agency that can route you to resources for support. Perhaps your county has an agency as well. There may be places to turn to that you’re not aware of. Some providers provide services on a free or sliding-scale basis. Your kids will not lose any misery if you pass. As you know from personal experience with your brother, the loss of a loved one hurts to the core. They will be hurt hard.
Your thinking is irrational which is how we get to suicide as the answer. Your children will have a 50% higher risk of committing suicide is you do it. I have been “there” several times and looked for answers everywhere. I didn’t really want to die, I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. Your thoughts have everything to do with your feelings. Start noticing what you are telling yourself and you won’t be surprised that you want to end your life. However, you also seem to be depressed. You need to see and psychiatrist and a counselor so you can talk to someone who will listen. As for me, I am on medications. I have had years of counseling until I found out the greatest counselor of all, for me, is Jesus Christ. I found a church I liked. I received salvation again because I was only 10 years old the first time. To an observer my life would not seem great, but it is better to me than it ever has been. I have my church family, Jesus, and the Bible. You are focusing on your self and that is not good. You are flooding your head with negativity. You have convinced yourself of doing something that I don’t believe you really want to do. I believe for most, if not all of us, we need to feel loved and accepted. You need to love and accept yourself first. It took time, but I’m in a good place and have learned to throw the bad thoughts out. I always say “there, but, for the grace of God go I.” Please get help. You have to make changes to get better and sometimes those changes are difficult. Whether you feel like it or not don’t waste another day. Go get help and get Jesus. God Bless You!!
“Is There a right time?” well i guess that depends on the situation but in your case no i don’t think so.
I’ve been in counseling for years. It gets to be all the same blah blah blah. And honestly, I whole heartedly believe the kids would prefer to not be around me anymore either. I’m a complete shell of who I used to be many years ago. The only thing I’m concerned about when the time comes is that I’ve calculated things correctly and I’m successful. Bc the last thing I’d want is a failed attempt and to be hospitalized.
If you give yourself the opportunity to work through this, it could spark a positive change in you… which could work its way downward to your children. I doubt your children prefer not to be around you. It’s something that’s hard to imagine. If the therapy has become repetitive and ineffective, perhaps it’s time to see a new therapist who has different strategies. There are a number of methods to work through challenges and every provider has a different style. Sometimes it takes a little while to find a therapist that you ‘click’ with. I’ve worked with a few therapists trying to find a ‘match’ between provider and patient. There are different things you can do to work through this. Giving up shouldn’t be one of them because it doesn’t have to be.