I thought I was making progress. I thought I was starting to make friends and not be alone. I thought I was using the resources available for support. Things seemed to be going well.
Then l get a message from someone saying she is upset at my passive aggressive attacks. That alone hurts so much, that isn’t only beyond my social skills but isn’t in my nature. Not only is her being upset upsetting me but then knowing she didn’t know me well enough to assume I could do that. And when I tried to tell her my side of things she kept trying to accuse me of guilting her. Is it my fault that the facts make her feel guilty? Even when I told her I am not trying to guilt her she takes that as me guilting her. At this point I would write her off as being too unstable for my life but she has always been well balanced. For my own mental health I decided not to go where she was going to be this weekend. When I let a friend know I wasn’t going (but didn’t say why) she went back and told her I said it, then I got accused of still talking about her and spreading things. When I told her why I wasn’t going she accused me of trying to guilt her by mentioning a therapist and mental health. How middle school can people get? And the whole mess and people thinking less of me hurts but honestly the worst part is them thinking I had some Machievellian scheme to cause her harm when all I was trying to do was use support so I didn’t self-harm. My mother has a phrase: you can’t win to lose. So if at my best behavior I am still hurting people then what is the point? People love to say I am not a burden and yet they are the ones proving it over and over. I want my pain to stop like anyone else but more than anything else I want to cause less pain in the world and be less of a burden. That’s all I ever wanted. Why in the world would I start something when the fact that I continue to mess up drives me to self-harm?
For now I am still here and hanging on, but things like this make me wonder why I put in so much effort to stay.
2 comments
That’s the problem when we interact in society, words are taken out of context, get twisted or misinterpreted. I normally just apologise, I try to explain how the problem arose and see if that makes a difference, but then I’m very quiet and non-assertive person. You do have to put some effort into relationships/friendships but you should expect others to do the same, it’s not a one way street. You will never be a burden to a true friend, someone who’ll stand by you even when things get difficult, but be prepared to be there if things become difficult for them, I’m sure you do. Keep hanging on and I hope it’ll all work out for you even if it does take some effort on your behalf, life is far from easy, but you know that.
It’s a terrible thing to continue reaching out to others only to have it repeatedly blow up in your face; I have been through this time and time again. I am truly sorry things worked out for you this way although I’m certain you are not truly a burden to anyone (though I completely empathize with the feeling). I wish you the best in finding people in your life who do not treat you this way.