Why is it that everytime I turn around someone’s telling me that I put myself in this place? I dug myself this hole and I’m keeping myself 10feet under.. If I could for one day feel “normal” (whatever society considers that) then I would be in a heart beat but I don’t ask to see think and feel the things I do. I don’t ask for the flashbacks or nightmares and I don’t ask for the emptiness.. But whatever maybe it’s something I deserve maybe and fuck being “normal”
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I for one have no interest in being “normal” i know i’m very abnormal & i like it the only thing i don’t like is the current situation i’m in.
Seriously, fuck normal. It does make it tricky to navigate the normal world — like getting/keeping/surviving a job. I think that the internet is great for this. You can find groups of your kind and at least exhale for a minute. For several different reasons, I am like only ~ 1% of the population. The world was not designed for me. I’m not frustrated by not fitting in, I’m frustrated by others not being diverse (and boring).
I’m just not sure where to go from this hole I’m in.. I feel so lost. I say it all the time but I literally feel like I’m 80 feet under and everytime I try to escape I get 1/3 of the way there until something in me just says “fuck you nope” and I go spiraling another 120ft… I don’t understand why things have to be so complicated?!?!!! Why I get to battle with the visions and hear the most horrific time of my life play over and over again like a constant scary movie on replay.. Why do I feel so damn empty and numb?!! Why is the only release I have “wrong” in societies eyes? Why is my form of letting anger go and being able to remind myself I am living and not dead “wrong” ?!! Why does it classify me as “sick” or “mentally unstable”?.. I’m so fucking lost and confused????
Apologies for all the swearing 🙁
Ah no need to apologise this as a site where you can openly express your feelings so it’s allowed
Thanks.. I just got so much fuckin anger.. I’d hit a wall but I don’t wanna fix the damages.. Screaming doesn’t help and the only thing that keeps me calm isn’t the “right” thing to do so fuck it I suppose…. No sleep, who needs sleep?
Yeah fuck sleep i’d rather not sleep if i didn’t need to usually i’ll stay awake until about 7 am or 8 am or sometimes a bit later & i’ll start 2 get tired then there’s the odd time now & again were i don’t sleep for like 2 days but then end up conking out.
I stay up until around 4am usually.. I try so hard not to fall asleep because between the shit I see in my sleep vs the shitty flashbacks I’m not sure which is worse… I guess it doesn’t matter because they both blow and I can’t change them so I just gotta….keep living?..
I dont want to be normal in the traditional sense. I want my mind to go back to normal pre drugs and mind fucking anamoly!! thats what i want. in every other regard i embrace my difference and weirdness… we are put here to fuck shit up and u shud start doing it