I had a few people asking me what i had or if i was okay i always pull the “oh nothing just tired” or “i’m okay” but it’s all lie, lies and more lies i’m not okay, i’m not tired or anything like that i’m not fine at all, i’m sad, i want to die, and i feel worthless, i’m not tired i just cried for 2 hour straight, i’m trying to fight my demons but i’m failing hard really hard, “aren’t you hot under this sweater” i always respond “no i’m fine” haha more lies, no i’m not fine, i’m burning under this over size sweater but it’s the only way i can ever hide my scars.
Do you know how many times did i tough about ending it all, how many night did i stay up all night crying, how many time did i past a blade across my skin, a lot. It always felt like it was a non sense action to cut but really it help, you can’t know if you haven’t been trough or have done it i know it might seems dumb but it not, remember how they use to tell you the way to forget about a pain is to focus your mind in a other one well here you’ve the reason we are all hurt inside but it easier to put a bandage on your wrist the you heart but i’m at the point when it doesn’t hurt anymore it’s just normal, truthfully i’m used to the pain i don’t feel anything anymore it’s just there but there a other thing about me i bleed just to know that i’m alive cause sometimes i don’t know if i’m alive or not and it’s my only way of knowing that i actually have blood running trough my vein, these past days have been hell, i can’t go a night without crying and its fucking not cool to always have to wait t’ill everybody is sleeping so you can cry and the point when you really fully cry cause you scared of waking everybody up so you have to compress the sound and cry silently and while i’m writing this i want to cry but i can’t i’m not alone and i don’t want them to see me cry, i don’t want to seem weak, i have to be this strong happy girl that i’m not and i can pretty much say i’m really good at faking it, faking being happy i can’t keep on faking my happiness anymore and i’m really starting to think that people are noticing like recently i had a few people asking me what i had and i would always say nothing i think i have to step up a little my acting game, i don’t even know why i’m writing this, i don’t even know but i’ll keep on writing cause a lot of people have told me that it a good thing to let thing out or to talk to someone but i have no one to talk to i trust no one here so i decided to write here and it’s kinda like talking to someone but without having that person to judge you or betray you cause i always said and will always say that the best was to not make a secret go viral it to keep it to yourself and you never truly know someone so don’t take a chance cause chances does not exit