I don’t want my life to depend on one person. But the truth is that my boyfriend broke up with me today and I just don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this. He told me he can’t deal with my depression and suicidal thoughts and it’s been like that basically since we started dating three year ago. I always knew we were never going to last, but he was what was keeping me going in this life. He tells me I need to get help and that I will be fine eventually, but I don’t believe that. I’ve been getting help for so long now that I don’t think anything will ever change anymore. The past few months I’ve just sat inside my house and done nothing, just mourning myself, my life, all the things that have ever happened to me.
I don’t want to be needy and convince him to come back. I won’t do that. But now that he is gone there is truly nothing left to keep me going. I wish I wish I wish I wasn’t such a coward. I just want this despair and pain to go away. I wish I had the courage to end it already.
4 comments
SweetSolitude,
I am very sorry for your breakup – it sounds incredibly painful. But I truly feel that no one person being in our lives is worth ending things for good. I don’t doubt that your boyfriend was very instrumental in providing you happiness, but it isn’t good for another person to have so much influence over us that their presence or absence can determine whether or not we are still alive.
With that said, however, that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth trying to get back together with him if you feel it is best and that things could work out with him if some changes are made. There is a way to speak with him without feeling “needy” or “weak” or feeling as if you are sacrificing your self-respect.
I won’t claim to have the answer to your problems seeing as you said the help you have been receiving is not working. Perhaps take a deep look at things and try and decide what it is you can change that may improve your situation – a new therapist, new surroundings, etc. I honestly don’t know – that’s for you to determine.
As for your boyfriend, I wouldn’t suggest making any promises that things will get better and easier overnight. But maybe you could tell him that with his help, you will try very hard to improve things and see what changes you can make to do so. Good luck.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
I think his leaving is just one more thing to add to the long list of “why do I still try”, instead of it being solely the reason to think about ending life. I know I can’t.. couldn’t rely on him as the only reason to live.
Thank you for your kind thoughts on the matter – but I really don’t think we’re ever getting back together or that there’s any way we even can get back together. We’ve already had so many talks over the years about how I/he/we could change so we could make it work.. The fact that there really is no hope for us getting back together is what’s hitting so hard right now I think.
Hi.
I think it’s a lot more courageous to continue the struggle and keep going (without any information on where you are or in what direction you move or should move). That’s my personal opinion.
However, this is probably one of the worst fights you’ve been having so far. I don’t know how you’re going to make it through this, either, but I really believe you can do it. I hope you will, anyway.
Letting go of him could help you to find back to yourself. That was probably his intention (to drag you out of your vegetative state [no offence intended, that’s perfectly normal for someone struggling with depression] by shaking you awake).
I hope you can use that chance.
Best Wishes,
-R.
Thank you. He has said many times that he cares a lot for me and that he wishes me best, but it’s so hard to believe when those things are followed by “but we need to break up”. In the back of my mind I know he’s trying to shake me awake, that I need to shake myself awake, but I’m running out of energy and will.