I’ve been wanting to kill myself ever since I was 10. That’s a little over three years now all that has changed is that I actually tried it four times so far.
So, I am a boy. I grew up with my mom who is really sentimental and everything so I feel like I got a lot of that emotional site. I am not strong and always felt like it separated me from the other boys. I always had more girl friends, but that’s mostly also because I am not really into soccer/football and all the boys always only wanted to play that on the school ground.
My dad was never in the picture until I turned seven and my parents wanted to let me grow up with a father (what a convenient idea after seven years) and married shortly after. We moved into a house right as I finished elementary school, which was hell for me. They put me into first year at age of four/five and I was happy with that because I am pretty clever and I couldn’t really take kindergarten anymore. So I was always the youngest and smallest and never really felt like I got close to what was on their mind because all my class mates had completely different interests than me.
In fifth grade the boys soon realised that I was good to bully. They started talking behind my back about how stupid and worthless I was and slowly I started to believe it. I also hated my body because I had no muscles and was a little overweight for a short period of time. At age of 9 eating disorder started. I had days where I would eat nothing just to eat way too much food again the next day and gain all the weight again. I got really unhealthy.
Eating disorder kept up until age of 10 when the boys in my class (who were between 12 and 13 at that point) got hit in the face by puberty. Every of them changed but not really for the good for me. They got to the age where everybody had to have a girlfriend and I was only 10. Of course I didn’t have one and they bullied me even more for that. They called me a fag and pushed me in the halls. That’s when I realised that I didn’t really have friends. There were a few girls that called me their friend and I called them my friends, but I don’t feel like those were real friends.
That’s also when sleeping disorder started. Nightmares got worse and worse and I had them every night. I didn’t want to sleep anymore and somehow I couldn’t even anymore. That went on ’til today – still suffering every night if I am not crying myself to sleep.
Then the boys started to be really nice to me. I knew that they were faking that kindness and that they were still talking bad about me behind my back but I just wanted to belong with them so I acted like I didn’t see their lies. I started to hang out with them at break even though they would never let me do the cool stuff with them.
Things at home also got worse at that point. My father started hitting my mom several times. They were constantly fighting and I was alone the entire day. It got so worse that my mom forced my father to move out of the house. And I started actually hating him. But my mom said it was good for me to visit him weekends, so I had to.
I hated him so much for what he did to my mom and me and I was also a little scared of him. My mom was highly depressed and an alcoholic, smoking and drinking every day. She then lost her job and we had even less money than before.
I was still 10 when I thought everybody would be better off without me. I cause too much pain for everybody.
Bullying in school got worse and my grades also got worse. I don’t really know what happened, but I couldn’t concentrate on school for a short time and I just couldn’t understand anything anymore afterwards and wasn’t able to catch up with the others in my class.
In seventh grade the teachers also started to bully me. Yes, the teachers. One time a teacher made me cry really hard in class and not only did they make fun of me crying afterwards – the teacher also read a letter my mom wrote to her publicly in class and well, bullying got worse about that topic in the next few weeks.
At age of 12 I started cutting here and there. Not much, not deep. Just to feel the pain and see the blood. I got sick a lot at that time and my mom noticed. She told me that we could move and I could start off again. But we couldn’t because of the money and she wasn’t able to reverse that I had to see my father every weekend.
The suicide attempts started this year. Twice in a row and Three times in one week. The fourth was just a few days ago.
I hate myself so badly.
I would deserve to die, I think.
Nobody likes me either ways.
I’m planning on going to youth welfare office next tuesday if I can make it. But I am really scared. I don’t know if I am able to do this. I have social anxiety a lot and I can’t really talk to people plus I don’t like them touching me.
I am scared.
Yours sincerely,
a depressed 13 year old boy.
7 comments
I have never commented on this site before. I have read lots of stories but never commented. I signed up just to reply to you, because your story touched me and I couldn’t reach out and give you a hug.
I don’t know you and I don’t know your life more than what you have posted here; but what I can tell you is that you do not deserve to die. This might sound generic and recycled but you have so much to give to the world, and so much to be given. It’s not your time to die.
I know sometimes it can feel like there really is nothing else, nothing to come and that nothing will change. But there is so much more than what you can see right now, so much ahead of you that you have yet to begin – and believe me, everything changes. Nothing stays the same, apart from death. Dying ends all options – you cannot come back from death, it is forever.
You sound like a beautiful, sensitive, caring young man – I promise you that if you are able to hold on.. you will see how much more there is to life and you will look back on this part of your life and know that it served to make you a stronger person.
You should go to the youth welfare office. I know you can do it because the bravery you show every day to keep going makes you a thousand times stronger than the people in your life who bring you down – and you deserve to be happy and live fully.
Thank you, you know, that means a lot to me. I was really touched when I read your comment. Thank you so much and I will try, I will try my best.
Hold on dontworryboutme take a breath.
Hello dontworryboutme,
you don’t deserve to die. You are a kind person that does not hurt anybody. You deserve to have a happy life. I was also very shy when I grew up and didn’t have any friends. I could never relate to anyone in school and I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 22. I never had the courage to ask anyone for help. I hid my pain and pretended everything was okay.
I think it is very brave of you to go to the to youth welfare office. I hope that you can make it!
You have not caused anyone pain! Your parents have to take care of you. They seem to be doing a very bad job. That is not your fault. They had their pain long before you came along. Hopefully you find the help you need at the to youth welfare office.
School will end and you can go live you own life. I do worry about you and wish you the best of luck.
Held
Thank you very much, Held. Thank you for caring and worrying about me.
DontWorryBoutMe,
As has already been said here, you seem like a very sensitive and caring person and certainly do not deserve to die. I think going to the youth welfare office is a very good idea. Try not to be too nervous about it – they are there to help. Best of luck.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
You seem a lot more smart, thoughtful, and awesome than I was when I was your age ha. Unfortunately your circumstances do sound pretty shitty. None of it is your fault though, and you don’t deserve any of it. Such is life though, and if you do make it through to adult hood (which I personally hope you do) I can tell you it will be tough, and it will make your life difficult, but you will probably be able to handle your feelings better, and you will have a lot more control over your personal circumstances then. That, at least, would be better. Hang in there.