21st birthday

In a couple days I will turn 21 and when I do I’ll have fresh cuts on my body. I can’t help but look back on the long list of failures In my life. Yesterday at a fast food place strangers at the table next to me were laughing at me and I heard them say “he looks like the hunch back of Notre dam” and I cut myself a lot over that. On my birthday I have to see and know there are dozens of fresh cuts and old scars.

There isn’t enough time in the world to go into depth of how much I hate myself and how meaningless my life is. I’m a monster it’s not hard to miss the 300 pound dirty basterd with dead eyes walking down the street. I have never hugged or kissed a single women I have never been in love and don’t know what love is. It’s insane I am still alive with the gallons of blood iv bleed and hundreds of alcohol bottles i drank and the countless number of pills iv done an 1000s of meals I skipped.

Mine is a miserable life at best. I have tried and tried agian to do good thinks for myself but it allways comes back to the emptiness. I wake 9/10 times and the first thought i have is I want to cut myself. I hate myself inside and out from the fat on my body to the frown plastered on my face I hate myself. Every memory I have is tainted there were no good times. I remember going to school and having kids say “let me have you’re lunch you don’t need it fat ass”. I remember hearing my mom and dad telling me over and over they hate me. I remember all the anxious times including today were my hearts breaking and no ones there to tell me it’ll be alright. The drugs alcohol and razors are only thing that will never leave me. I remember people acting like they care about me when deep down they wish I was dead. My life is like a disease bringing down everyone in its way.I never felt happy I never smile I can’t smile nothing about myself makes me happy. I’m just going to spend the next few days cutting and drinking I’m lost in a sea of sadness and I can only hope to just drown on my own vomit or bleed to death to end it all.

Thanks to anyone who read this sorry for the rant