Anxious,Depressed but now mostly Confused (Is cracking up n going crazy the only thing left for me..)..

Hello i am a 21 year old boy with depression and anxiety problem.Wish i had known about this page years ago but no worries.ok here we go.I have always been a depressed kid since i can remember.i was kept in a school hostel since the age of 6 cause my parents had to go abroad to work.The hostel was worst.They gave bad food (worms in food,burnt,always potato) and on top of that they charged more money.The person incharge of looking after us was the most miserable person i have ever met,always beating us and taking whatever stuff our parents had sent via parcel.I can still remember even in that early age how much my heart used to ache when i saw others families visiting them.Even when my parents called via phone i used to ask my mom if she was here cause i could smell the lipstick of the phone operator and thought it was my mom’s.now i know what my parents did was for me but what does a child know of that n i can still remember the hate i created for my parents at the age of 6-7.Anyway i was gd at grades not cause i cared but beacause u would get beaten if u didnt.I got so accustomed to feeling hurt that i used pick fights with others so that they would stay stuffs so that i would get hurt inside cause they could’nt beat mecause i have always been a kinda macho.Later when i reached teen i started doing drugs n getting bad grades,i didnt talk to my family even when they came back like once in 5 years and the fucking thing that makes me angry is they didnt show the care that a son needs cause they were always busy in financial and other stuffs.this just made me more depressed and angry towards them.I didnt know young ones could feel that much pain in the heart u know thats how much my heart ached for family.later i went to stay them but i just couldnt stand them n the modern materialistic world.Maybe in a sychotic depressed mind of mine i wanted them to accept their mistakes and tell me right in my face that it was all their fault. At he age of 16 i started working in bar and started drinking heavily.i just couldnt understand the meaning of being happy i was always depressed with memory blackouts,cutting my hand,breaking stuff,always angry especially towards my parents. I had memory blackout where i just watched into a distance and got lost. I know they went abroad to work for me but even when i realised my mind just couldnt forgive them n i just did irrational things to make them angry.To tell u guys the truth i started having severe anxiety since a girl at the bar said i was gay cause she was always hitting on me but i was too busy in my fucking depressed mind.For me that did it.Its not that i hate gay people or dont like i respect others views but its just that i come from a very strict cultural background.Anyway since then i started having severe anxiety on top of severe depression.I stayed inside my room 24/7.I started breaking stuff at home arguing with my parents and fighting.After some months like that i just snapped i said fuck it n i did drugs for three days (cocaine,ice n other stuff) n slit both my wrist n woke up in hospital.Deep inside i knew how strong,brilliant n intilligent i was but i just couldnt take it.I knew it was a mistake so after few weeks in sychiatric ward i started to think clear,took my medicine properly,watched happy videos.My  family was very supportive n got the point where i didt need to take medicine,had a loving girlfriend but then trying to fit in the society i started going out n drinking,broke up n was back to the same fucking place where i started.That was a year ago.Everything seems so confusing.I dont Know what to do.I try to do the stuff i did before but it doesnt seem to work n i become more confused and anxious i dont know what i am supposed to do.I feel like the only thing left for me now is to become straight up crazy.I try to rationalise the thoughts in my mind but the more i thinkl the more anxuious and crazier i get.I just keep on thinking about stuffs that doesnt even matter n i get more anxious.I feel like i am so broken now that there is no mending and killing myself or going crazy is the only solution.I dont know what i wanna do in the future cause this anxiety makes me afraid of trying anything new.I am trapped in my own prison.I just cant seem to figure it out.The more days go by the more confused i become.Doesnt my life have a purpose, a destiny r should just let go n accept insanity..?
Anxious n Confused boy