There’s nothing like Christmas to remind me of how little people care anymore. I got no cards or gifts from anyone other than my aunt, whilst everyone else had friends who bought them presents and visited them over the holiday. The friends of my family don’t mention and ignore me completely. For years I’ve suffered with mental illness and the only thing that was keeping me here was my family because I felt they cared and I didn’t want to hurt them with my suicide. Well I don’t have to worry about that anymore, so within the next few days I will make my suicide attempt. My plan is to get drunk, inhale a tonne of chloroform and fall back from a highrise building onto concrete. I have no idea how painful it will be or what I’m heading into as I hit the ground but there is nothing left for me on earth. I’ll leave life to the living.
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Are you sure that’s a good way to do it? I know we’re not supposed to discuss suicide methods here, but I feel like you’re chosing a method where a lot can go wrong…
Besides, by posting this here, we now care. I don’t know what I can tell you about your personal life as I’ve not experienced it first hand, but you’ve now got an entire Forum caring about your life. Maybe that’s not enough, but I just wanted you to consider that if you didn’t already.
A lot of people post/comment here on or around Christmas time. Whilst you also get those who post at other times and avoid the place during the holidays. I’ve just spent the last half an our in an online Casino. The dealers are beautiful Latvian women and it occurred to me that they were working on Christmas day. I told my dealer that I thought she had an awesome personality (which she did) and wished her merry xmas before I left. Christmas means different things to different people. Perhaps most people find me or my life unappealing and that’s the last thing they want for themselves. I also consider those who are worse off than I am. It’s difficult to know what to feel or think. Do you know, I forgot to ask her name. She was the most warm person- i’d have spent Christmas with her. In fact, we could have got married.
Christmas is a difficult time of year for the lonely, to feel unwanted, I hate the knowledge that others around me are having a great time, but I’m on my own, again. With reference to suffering with mental health, I wish others around you could know how much of a difference they could make by understanding your situation. I find it difficult being around people, especially lots of them, so functioning in society can be hard for me. Idk if you could try to reach out again to your family, your aunt has been there for you when you most needed support. Christmas can be a sad time for us, I hope the next few days you’ll feel differently and not go through with your suicide, I hope you stay posting over this difficult period.
Christmas is a time of social malaise, warmth, love, irritation, fighting, bonding, throwing objects at one another’s heads, chasing each other with shovels, and happy group photos. Hospitalization bills are probably discounted due to the higher volume. Heh. Nobody has a perfect life, so it stands to reason that nobody has a perfect human holiday. There are always disappointments, absences and general uneasiness. It doesn’t mean people aren’t thinking of you, but it might be that they feel you aren’t thinking of them in the same way – sometimes you have to make the first move.
my belief system is way out their. magic to me is real, and miracles occur on a dailey basis. this christmas i have been so involved with the crap that ive been dealing with that i have not really participated. not a scrooge, just not participating. now, on this, the magical day, i look back and can see all the beautiful gifts i have recieved. no tree, no boxes and paper. special gifts that one carries in the heart. a reiief from the depression,fear, anxiety. new friends that care, new friends that dont care. yeah, things go back to normal tommorow, but thats tomorrow, today i have this one special, magical day, and i intend to enjoy to the fullest. love and peace to all
I used to read / think a lot about LaVeyan Satanism, but I’ve always been drawn towards a more materialistic view of the Great Everything That Exists. It’s a bunch of stuff, interacting with other stuff, influenced by this strange, inexplicable emergence of mind/thought/personality. So to me, magic would be the manipulation of cognitive processes via subtlety and suggestion, but not much else. Also, I’d equate growing things to magical phenomenon because living, growing things have the ability to adapt themselves to a changing environment, and that’s pretty damn awesome. I love me some orchids and trees with cars melded into their trunks. Living tings can avoid an obstacle, or they can simply engulf the obstacle and render it obsolete; some living things yield to obstacles, and so wither away, but it’s hardly necessary. Just look at trees as a paradigm of hope and inspiration.
Its so sad to read of your pain.. But know in the depths of despair it can only get better. Be it understanding from strangers on this site or the smallest thing that brings a smile. I live in fear of the downs, and during them I do not think I want to stay on this horrible rollercoaster. But I wait as best I can, and it does always fade albeit for a moment.