I want people to think that i’m a good person

but i’m not.

In reality i’m just a stupid little crybaby, which is funny because i really do think that my tears are shameful. I have no reason to cry. I have everything i wish for, daddy gives me money, mommy gives me love, it’s how a family works right ?

So why do i feel so empty inside ?

True, i didn’t had the best childhood. We weren’t so rich back then, dad works too hard, mom is stressed out with 2 babies and 2 little girls at home, dad can’t bear with mom anymore so he cheats on her, mom flee away, far way from home, leaving her babies to a little girl of only 12 years old, they divorced, there are tears that are not mine, a lot of tears. Lives and hearts torn apart. Everyone is guilty and yet no one is to blame.

Just so you know, that girl wasn’t me, it was my sister. My sister who bore everything because she was the oldest. My poor sister who was so sad. My only sister who was so lonely. If someone suffered here, it was her. Me, i didn’t understood anything back then because i was a fucking idiot. The one who said “Ignorance is bliss” was so right.

But you know what ? Even if i wasn’t loved properly by my mother back then, i didn’t cry, never. Instead, i became someone different, i wanted to be strong, i wanted to live a proper life, i wanted to be happy, i wanted to be love, i just wanted to be like everyone else. So i did everything to make people think that i was a nice and good girl, shy, sweet, adorable, reliable. I did it so my father would be proud of me, i did it so the adults would praise me, i did it so my mother would love me again. And it worked for the 10 last years. This new “me” protected me for so long, it kept me from dying alone in this dark room.

At the same time while playing this comedy in front of anyone, i trapped my mind in video games and books where i could wish for a happy ending and i relentlessly dreamt that someday, someone would come and save me just like in these fairy tales. Unfortunately,  i’m nowhere near of being a princess because i’m twisted.

Yes I’m twisted from my mind to my smile.

All these years thinking like a silly little girl only broke my vision of life, now that i’m 18 years old and it’s like i’m walking in a dream while knowing it won’t be a “happy ever after” ending.

Why ?

Because in truth, no one will know how lonely i was, how much i suffered, how much i was scared of tomorrow, how much i cried those worthless tears. I doomed myself by thinking that if i was suffering in silence alone, without dragging anyone in my weakness, without saying anything, that – maybe – would mean that i’m a good person. Poor me, it was only a lie. But now it’s too late to come back.

Haha. What a joke. While people are being broken by other people, i broke myself alone. You can laugh because I am laughing too, to the point of crying.

This pain is mine alone so even with thousands and thousands words, no one will understand.

Then, why am i writing this here to complete strangers ?

Am i seeking for compassion ? Am i this pathetic ? Am i this weak ?

Why can’t i be like before ?

Why does things like this happens ?

Why can’t i remain ignorant ?

This world is not for silly girls like me.

Why was i born already ?