I have had a miserably hard life. I dont know how to write this or why i should or why anyone would care. i was molested and smothered as a child by my very sick father and my very sick mother did nothing about it. they drink. i dont remember most of my childhood and what i do remember is horrific. my father’s seductive abuse of me continued as a teenager. my younger brother went crazy and is now living in a halfway house and has had issues with the law and with alcohol. my older brother b/c a lawyer and had two children and seems fine although he has had a lot of psychosomatic (imo) illness. i hear my fathers voice in my head every day and am tormented by voices at night. ive been in and out of therapy for years to no avail, nor have medications helped me and i find them extremely scary. i live on disability for severe ptsd and have been homeless. i moved almost 20 times like a hunted animal seeking quiet shelter and have yet to find any, just highly triggering environments surrounded by addicts in disability/elderly housing where i have been unable to make much noise for the past 2 years approximately due to terror. my car just died out and i am scared to try and fix it due to shame about the car. there is no bus here on the weekends and i feel trapped scared and isolated and i find it very difficult to ask people for help. my priest is leaving, a source of comfort for me, and a cat i used to pet sit for ran away a few months ago and i blame myself for it i dont drink or use drugs but would kill for some pot only they make you pay almost $200 for medical marijuana upfront and its like everything is an obstacle and a hindrance to help esp. with the car issue. i feel completely alone trapped and isolated and have been living in true hell this holiday and no one at my so called church offered to help me with a ride to mass so i missed it. i blame myself for fucking everything and i can never get rid of my father’s voice. i am extremely suicidal and think about hanging myself in the woods. if god is real then god sure – whatever. religion has fucked me so hard growing up as a catholic. i cant get rid of religion. i am going through a horrible ptsd csa hell and i am lonely and all i have now is this internet connection. my life for the past 10 years has been a true nightmare, ive never had a boyfriend, nobody cares about me i feel like or understands this, and i have been depressed since high school and wanted to die even as a child. i have a million horrible sad stories and all of them are awful and all i want to do is die and see my dog who loved me, life is hell for me, sexual abuse is a nightmare, i cant sleep at night, i fear death is coming soon satan seems to want me and harrasses me and if god loves us all so fucking much why does he let evil happen and demons torture us at night. where the fuck is god doing everything alone is slowly killing me and nobody notices and my environment is truly horrible and noisy and it seems to me that only some people get good things while people like me get to dwell in hell forever i cant take life and cruelty and noise and ptsd and torture anymore and when my neighbors – one a drunk, one an angry old lady who is moving and who is deaf and who when she makes noise literally hurts my right ear – are not exactly pleasant company. dont lecture me or blame me dont want advice or be told how awful i am just want to get the fuck off this cruel hell i just need the courage to do it
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I don’t think any of us are allowed to help you with that, not to mention your depression is so deep rooted anything we could offer you already know, since you don’t want a lecture or advice and even if i had a reason, i have no right to blame you, so the best i can say is, we know your pain, we’ve all come here with pain, maybe reading some posts will either help you cope in someway knowing you’re not alone, or will show you the pain of others which may help build some courage.
Either way i wish you well.
Feel free to chat =)
im going to try and fix my car. my ear hurts. meds freak me. are mes ok. all gave me side effects. saw my brother the other day on the bus sitting outside the halfway house. does god order up the worst life possible so you can keep suffering in hell. its like all that i need i dont have and all that hurts me is shoved in my face fucking 24-7. to keep going against crippling odds and to feel a zombie with no sleep is less and less appealing, can never ask people for help, afraid to overload them they should be rushing to my doorstep and are not. religious people on and on about jesus freak me out, where is the dude if he’s going to save us all, is religion a form of mental illness. im sorry im just venting. ive had so much hell for years. this torture cannot go on. why the fuck was i ever born at all in a world this deeply shitty, and the reason, who the fuck knows. so painful to see others have what i do not. sorry to complain. thank you for reaching out to me. your words are good.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of it is your fault. And yea religion is a panacea which doen’st usually work because god isn’t out there, god is in you.
Your words made me very sad, I am so very sorry you have been through so much hell. How old are you? Where is your dog?
Take one thing at a time. Focus on the car. Just focus on that if you can and get it fixed. That will help. You’ll be proud of yourself you tackled that problem. One step at a time.
We care about you here at SP. hugs to you.
I hope you can get your car fixed easily and for cheap!
I was on meds one time that made me get migraines from noise or maybe it was just me idk, meds work for some people i was not one of them :/
I could never believe in god simply because of all the pain, i simply refuse to believe in something so cruel (that is just me though).
To stop that pain of not having what i need i simply cut my needs out, my own defense i guess so i can’t be let down over and over.
once i got off all my meds by the way i slept like a log (after withdrawals which sucked majorly).
funny you should say that you never want to ask for help, i’m the same way i feel i’m just a nuisance and unwanted by everyone, even though i feel i need help and no one will help me.
the worst evils i know of were committed under the name of a religion for a god for a cause.
Venting is healthy though and without it you may explode 😮
It does seem life is only torture and makes no sense for us to be born when all we want is to end it. and don’t apologize please it’s the last thing you need to do =)
seems i started ranting too =P
it’s 5am here and i must sleep :/ i’ll check back when i wake up though, take care 🙂
Im so so sorry for your pain.. i read your post and it made cry for the hurt little boy, and for you now.. know that here is safe and supportive. I really hope yoi find a way through too xx
wow you all are so nice thank you so much i am 42 i look young they say haha and i act 17. i got the damn car towed it was scary so scared of what my crazy neighbors would think so much judgment in this place i feel it all the time. i walk thru the woods and on the road to get groceries that was hard today but i did it somehow posting this and getting it all out somewhat helped me to do it. my dog died i loved my dog when i had to stay with my parents as an adult the dog was my only comfort and it died i want to see my doggie so badly i loved it so much so much. it took me forever to tow that car it really did it was so painful just having it sit there i am proud i did it and i also called my therapist back and i am going to try and see her again even tho i got angry with her last time around she takes me on sliding scale and i need the car to get to her so not seeing her has really messed with my head. i need to see her. meds and religion really are scary i agree with what you all say. i really miss my brother ive been trying to call him at the halfway house a very rough sounding dude answered the phone i understand those people the more pain youve had the tougher sometimes you feel you need to be so nobody hurts you i understand it ive lived in rough places including a homeless shelter for months not fun to be so down and out in america land of the free they say free for who i wonder sorry to get all political rich people maybe but everything is a trap and a burden in this life even money. it does make no sense to be born and then battle a severely depressed brain like mine is hurting so much all the time waiting for the blow never a sense of safety with ptsd. i miss my brother so much my father was a monster i just want it to end soo much recently it is so much work to be me that nobody sees constant pain and my priest is leaving the church was awful to me but he was nice to me very often and i am so sad he is going away now i will miss my surrogate daddy although nobody has ever really been a daddy to me. it is hard to be 42 and 17. it is hard to be. just hard to be. you all are so nice to me thank you so much so kind so nice god bless god bless you god bless you means so much to me trust me soo sooo soo much to me thank you.
Glad you got your car to a garage, sometimes things just have to be done. Sorry to hear about your dog, i wanted to get a dog but knowing they have a 14 year average lifespan… i’m not sure if i could handle that pain, or if i would even make it that long and be able to take care of it. I hope your brother is doing ok i bet he is though.
I feel possessions are all pointless, just more things i need to get rid of before i leave or if i suddenly have to move i would just be stuck with things powerless to do anything. hmmm, Powerless to the pain that doesn’t seem to fade, if your father was mine… he wouldn’t be alive, can’t stand people like that.
it’s hard enough being 17 can’t imagine feeling like the future at the same time, can’t even picture it :/ the end of your comment though… made me cry a little, can’t remember the last time i felt appreciated thank you =) I hope your therapist can bring you some peace of mind too. They tend to poke in places that makes us uncomfortable but it’s only for us in the end.
Why do you feel your neighbors are judging you? You seem like a nice and kindhearted person they shouldn’t be judging you. They’re probably just saying how nice you are.
i just called the garage and he is not back until the 6th so it will take awhile. im starting to feel a little better so may write a little better, too. im actually a very smart person i think. im just having a really bad time. my priest leaves on sunday and i have no car yet so have to get a ride to the mass to say goodbye to him. i really do nothing all day anymore but go on the internet, my symptoms are that bad. where i live is hellish, just a bunch of really unhealthy people or old people, everyone has severe problems around here. i need to get out of here and feel like i never will get the hell out of here. it is keeping me really off balance. i am paranoid about people judging me b/c im on the disability and i have been stigmatized for that. called a bum, denied housing, treated like im not a human being and a child of god assuming god exists. my depression is so bad right now, living out here is so bad with the limited bus service, the bus doesnt come until the afternoon and no bus on the weekends, it makes me feel really crazy. i cant even get to my therapist’s w/o the damn car or begging someone for a ride and i hate to do that, i really fucking hate it. i hate hearing my father’s voice in my head it simply wont go now like a broken record. the cat i lost is tormenting me too, and every night i battle these voices. im so tired. why cant i live in a place i love like some people do with a nice family instead of the hellish world i exist in. i cant get along with people, i get angry at people, i push people away, all due to the abuse. it’s hell to be me right now. i wish for you a dog if you can get one b/c even though you lose them and its unbearable they bring so much joy. i hear what you are saying about possessions, i look around my apt. and think i have to move all this shit and get rid of it somehow if i go. people love to dump crap on you too the old lady next door gave me stuff not bc shes so great but bc they didnt want to have to take it elsewhere. people are self-serving by and large. thank you for what you say about the neighbors, i wish i didnt have such a skewed view of the world. i pray to get thru this wretched week, i hate the holidays, everything closes down, everything is difficult, the new year i pray is somehow ok i think i do need medication but like you say the withdrawal is hell, its a drug, these are all legalized drugs, no different than street, your body wants/needs the fix and has its withdrawal issue when it is denied the fix. i want to be the gentle loving soul i was as a child, i can be hard, jaded, mouthy, bitter, angry, i can swear a lot, i feel like life has made me tough yet so broken inside i can hardly be called tough but i am strong i have taken a lot on my poor shoulders. im tired of everything right now, soo tired of the questions with no answers and trying to make a bed in hell and its just hell and i cant get out of it. this isnt life its hell. i dont want to end up dead or in a hospital i dont even know if my lousy insurance would cover it. once they get you on disability your life goes down the toilet fast, its like the most needy and vulnerable people are treated the worst, does that make any fucking sense to you? life is for the rich who care not for the poor or anyone else. i lost a friend this christmas too b/c she was rude to me (very) and i got angry at her but it was her choice to unfriend me on facebook (what a joke that website is) and to be a witch b/c i just pointed out her rudeness. people.