My ex-boyfriend has sworn to murder me. I was in an abusive relationship with him for 2 years (2009-2011) and I only escaped after he strangled me in the car and someone happened to be walking by and I called the cops, even though he said he would kill me if I ever did.
Let’s jump to 5 years later. I moved and he has emailed me thousands of death threats over the past 5 years. I wish that was a hyperbole, but I actually counted. I received 993 angry/threatening emails in one year alone. Let’s also note that I haven’t responded to a single one of these emails after originally asking him to leave me alone….. It’s a morbid thing to read someone planning out how you are going to die. He’s suggested everything from guns to acid to being chopped into tiny pieces and mailed to my parents, etc, etc.
A few months ago he found me on the internet and showed up in the state where I am and demanded that I come see him (“I promise I’m not going to hurt you”). When I didn’t show up, he threatened to show up at my work.
He was able to be arrested on various charges and is in jail right now, but he will kill me when he gets out. Regardless of what precautions I take. Paranoid? Maybe. But no one else knows him or what he is capable of. No one else has seen the look in his eyes when he is staring into your crying, bleeding, swollen face with absolutely no sympathy or remorse.
Is it better to wait around to be murdered or to kill yourself? While there is some uncertainty of the former happening, what kind of a life is it to be in constant fear? At least suicide would let you depart on your own terms instead of in some panicked state of pain and fear.
17 comments
It sounds horrendous :S Have you talked to the police about this? He sounds like he may have some serious mental health problems himself.. maybe they could do a psyce evaluation. LIving in fear is horrible but there are other options other than suicide, protective custody or even moving abroad?
Yeah he was actually in a mental institution years ago, but they let him out and nothing changed 🙁 Frustrating that they weren’t able to help him….
It sounds like you have more than sufficient grounds for a restraining order. Or, conversely, you could come stay at my place and if/when he tries to harass you here, I’ll kill him for you by smashing his skull in with a brick (self-defense only, though – I always carry a brick in my pocket for just such an emergency).
I do have a restraining order, but unfortunately it doesn’t offer real protection. He can still come kill me, then just go to jail for it, per usual 🙁 But a brick on the other hand……. a brick would be nice 🙂
Have you thought about getting a taser, or some bhut jolokia pepper spray?
I had pepper spray when we were dating, but when I tried to use it on him, he just put up his hands and then smashed his hands into my face so I ended up being in more pain than him 🙁
I imagine you’ve got a restraining order against him. Perhaps you should show these emails to the police. At this point you might qualify for protection or something.
1) Unless you have an extremely common name, change your identity.
2) Delete your facebook and any other stuff that a stranger might be able to use to find you (this, btw, applies to everybody, including people not being pursued by a psychopath, but hey whatever)
3) If you receive an email from him, DO NOT RESPOND. Let him wonder whether you got it or not.
4) Move
5) Acquire a weapon, train and certify, and keep it close!
Good luck!!!
Thanks for the advice Blue. I do have a restraining order and have been advised to change my name. I don’t have a Facebook, and I think the issue is other people (family included!) slipping up. I haven’t told every single person I know about this situation, so I can be accidentally in someone else’s posted picture or my family might not know how to set their privacy options at the highest even though I’ve ask them over and over to check 🙁
How sickening… And I’m sure no matter how many restraining orders & complaints you make to the police, nothing can stop him if he’s as psycho as he sounds.
First, no I don’t think you (or anyone) should ever consider suicide as a means of escape from someone else. If you’re really at that point, then I bet there are some other extreme ways of escaping that are a lot more fun. Like LH & Blue said, consider moving to another country and changing your name. That’s what I did… and I’m not even running from anyone in particular.
But the liberation of starting a new life where your past can’t follow you (or at least will take a few years to catch up) is so much better than living in self-destructive fear.
If moving is not an option, then SERIOUSLY consider enlisting the help of someone like xanadu! If you’re anywhere near New York I might even be willing to help brickslap his sorry skull in, hell I might as well do something useful with my life before leaving 😛
Thanks Salt, I have actually thought about moving to a different country…. how was that for you? I’m afraid though that even with something as drastic as that, I’ll always have this looming fear that I’ll be found. Maybe I should just go completely rogue and live on a deserted island? :B
Haha I have literally spent years looking for islands for sale.
Moving to a new country was awesome at first. But I didn’t speak the language too well, so I ended up hiding in my apartment every day and that wasn’t too good for my mental health. Ended up dragging my ass back to the states in disgrace. It’s amazing how easy it is to lose yourself in another country, which can be good or bad.
A less extreme idea is just moving to a big city and going by a different name. I actually advise against an official name change, because there are records he can find. But say you just move to Chicago and start using the name Nona Yerbusiness or whatever. Landlords don’t ask for ID nor do utility companies or even employers (you could always tell them you’re “in the process of changing your name” anyway). Just be careful not to create any internet trails leading to you and you should be ok. Also he sounds kinda stupid by telling you his plans all the time, so I’m sure if he does manage to track you down you’ll get a warning first.
When women are murdered by their psychopathic ex-boyfriends it’s usually in the most brutal way i.e being stabbed/bludgeoned to death or by strangulation.
Seriously. The most frustrating part is how everyone around me wants to deny that it’s a valid fear. For 5 years my family kept saying “he’d never fly out to where you are” but then he did….. So now when they say “he’ll definitely leave you alone after this” it’s really really hard to take them seriously.
If you had a man in your life do you think you’d be more safe?
Is the justice system really so corrupt that they would release a person that is explicitly an imminent danger to someone else? Wow. I would at least assume a death threat is at least ground of being detained in itself. That is truly disgusting, I am so sorry
I’m sorry to hear, that’s horrible. I can imagine how scared you would be. I had an ex that terrorized me years ago. I hated him and wished that he dropped dead, fortunately, he stopped bothering me after a few years, but I had to lie my way out of his life, I had to. I needed him to go away. I was very paranoid, very private about my life, my whereabouts, for a long time after him.
My mother was abused by my dad for years and never reported him in fear that he would kill her as he promised he would if she ever left him. She didn’t believe an order of protection would really protect her either so she never tried, she thought it would make him even more angry. He used to choke her in the middle of the night and put a knife at her throat. None of this was revealed to me until a few years ago. She ended up leaving the country to live overseas, but that didn’t work out for other reasons. If you have the resources to move away, that would definitely ease your mind a little I think. I’m sorry, your fear is valid.
I’m so sorry that happened to your mom. It’s horrible. I hope she has escaped him and is doing better and I hope I can find some way to get away from here =/