the time has arrived. moving stuff out. trying to push through the pain,the anxiety, the fear. she is so strong. so angry with me.deservedly so. she does not recognize how hard i tried. blind to my pain and loss. at least she has somewhere to go, and something to be. she will be safe and able to move foreward from the pathetic excuse of a husband she was with for so long. why is it wrong for me to want to die? what is so important about my existence? i think the normal people need us around to justify their happiness. ” if you dont straighten up and get an education youll end up like that bum their.” oh, well. clock is still ticking.even if i go hospital route, its just delaying the inevitable. when they are done they will just toss me onto the street. in the middle of winter. the chances of me surviving on the streets are zero.oh well just gotta suck it up and ride with it. dying on the streets is ok. dying by my choice is not ok. i dont understand. i dont understand.why do i have to be a free thinker, a philosopher. why cant i be one of the normal people, brainless and mindful, doing what evrybody else tells me to? a good boy who follows the rules and does what hes told
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I am sorry you are having to go through all this. And yeah, a lot of it doesn’t make sense does it? Maybe by if you go to the hospital by the time you leave the vhv place you have mentioned before will have found you something? Good luck with it all. Keep in touch if you can. hugs
wait a minute. Are you moving out of the house, onto the street, because of your decision to leave her so she can be ‘happy w/out you’?
Who called you a “pathetic excuse for a husband”? Did she call you that or did you call you that? Allow a person, especially a person who loves you and has been w/ you for 30 years, to make up her own mind. Allow her to have her own feelings and her own opinion. Do not decide for her that you aren’t worth her time or love!
If this split is absolutely necessary, as you seem to think it is, can you at least talk w/ her about calling it a ‘time out’ or something, so that in x number of months (or whatever) you can talk again? By then hopefully you’ll have your depression/life under better control and maybe you will regret your decision to lose this special person.
I hate to see a decision of this magnitude made while you are feeling so down and out…that’s not a good place to be, to be making such life changing decisions, my friend.
Three moons I am going to reply to you cause I don’t know if he will be able to or not. We email sometimes and if I understand it right he has already divorced her. They live apart. He has to move out of the apartment (which I think he was living alone in) today. She has been really great by going over and trying to help him pack up, finding a place to store some items, and watching over him. He may have found some help through a place called vets helping vets. I am hoping that is the case.
Oh tc13, just when you convince me that things are getting better, that you’re getting help, you worry me with what’s to become of you. You don’t deserve any of this, you can’t live on the streets, there must be a way, there must be help. How can you be expected to improve yourself in hospital if they plan to throw you onto the streets, you can’t let them do that to you. I can only say how sorry I feel for you, stay on SP in you can tc13, I hope that the help whispers mentions does happen for you.
thanks whisper, that sheds light on it. I hope he’ll be able to come back here and update us.
love to all of you. yeah, we are finally getting this stuff outta here. tm, have to move out of apt. lost job last month and couldnt make rent. she has place to be and job to rebuild her life. after the divorce, she went to the dark place and i couldnt get her out of it.took a year and a half. she still fighting it but i see that strong willed woman returning. she surprised me today. she called our son to come over to help us. didnt tell me. nias, DO NO WORRY. hospital will probably be best route for me right now. i do not have firm plans made but am working on ideas that are actually not bad. sp has shown me the benefits of unregulated griping. i am thinking i may try to work FOR mh, a paying job in the kitchen or something, and counsel on the side. dont know, havent run it by them yet. more focused on the immedieate problem. yes the split is absolutley necessary. it does not matter how much we love each other, we cannot be around each other 2 minutes before we are going at each other. we are both soooo tired of that. as hard as this is, its best for evryone involved. no, their are no attemps in the future. i am trying to accept the fact that im stuck in this shit heap called life. the want to is their, but i will push through it. yes, i intend to stay on sp. this site and you people have become very important to me. and the service this site provides is amazing. next to the holistic healer i had, this site has been the most help i have recieved in 50 years. getting past this part will help. once my loved ones are safe and secure, i will be more able to deal with me. as long as they are safe,warm,fed, and o.k. i dont matter. oh, three moons, if you only knew what a pathetic piece of shit i really am. the things i did to this woman. i make for one lousy, horrible husband. i am, however, one hell of a good friend. after this is over and done with, we will have little contact with each other. however, their will be times we will have to interact. nias, my young friend, i deserve evry bit of this and more. perhaps if i had dealt with my depression before now, maybe things would not have gotten this far. it is difficult for me to post today, cause they are in and out and she gets mad at me for being on sp. she was cyber bullied a few years back, and that was what finally broke her. she does not know the help i get from all of you she is also jealous and hurt because she tried for so long, only to have others come in and do what she could not. anyway, please do not worry. i may be a basket case right now, and my emotions are way out of control, but im working through it.
Some people don’t deal with depression properly, they pretend it’s not really there, just a difficult time which will get better, not until it’s got to a point when they cease to function properly do they realise; you recognise it now and are getting help, that’s what matters. I will still worry for you, you are in a difficult position in life, I just hope you can keep your emotions under control to some degree, especially if you’re suicidal, don’t want you to try again, just want you to be okay tc13. Take care.
but its like, how do you get help? pills? psychiatrists? i just dont see how they would work.. my brother wanted to take me into a doctor today for my depression.. i was like how are they gonna help me? i am depressed from making a bad decision 2 weeks ago, followed by a life-time of regrets that i will bring to my grave. the only way i feel a doctor could help me out is create me a time machine.. pills and “talk” aint gonna erase my memories..
but i guess its to help for future depression in hopes not to make the same mistakes.. i’d need a smart pill to replenish all my dead brain cells from smoking pot for 13 years..
pathetic piece of shit you really are? Perhaps. But we are all legends in our own mind, aren’t we? 😉
People tell me often lately how strong they think I am. This never ceases to amaze, surprise and shock me. Strong? That’s one of the last things I think I am. And tc, what you’re doing now, these scary big changes you’re making to improve your life and the lives of your loved ones, is showing great strength, fortitude, and love.
So yea, we may think we are pathetic shit piles and that may be true or not, but many– I dare say most– people don’t see us that way.
Stay close. xo
We’re all basket cases in our own unique ways. Hope for the best, tc – I really hope things start getting better.
hey guys, iimmm baaaaccckkk. just posted an update, but needed to respond. it hurts to laugh now so take it easy.(yeah right, toatally see it coming, lol, ouch!!). to be quite honest, i own up to my mistakes, and dont offer excuses. today was hard, but a lot of good happened. tomorrow i will worry about tomorrow. all i really need now is for seattle to beat arizona.