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Truth about my day

by TheSuicideBlonde

When my parents, friends or random people ask me about my day, all I’ll do is say “It was fine.”

 

It wasn’t.

 

Not a day passes that I don’t feel useless, hateful and sad. Not a single day.

My days are never ‘fine’. They’re far from it.

I spend every single day of mine, hurting myself and wishing it would end. It doesn’t, but wanting it is the only thing I still have strength for.

Every single day I would come home from school, throw up that little piece of beagle I ate instead of my breakfast, go to my room and lock the doors.

Every day I would take my razor out. Every day I would do thing to stop the mental pain I was feeling more and more by each passing day. Every day I hope it’s the last one.

Ever since I’ve been in the mental health hospital, they would guard me, check up on me every thirty minutes. That gives me enough time to do a small damage. 

But after one in the morning, they stop cheking up on me, and they come back at six a.m. sharp.

And that gives me enough time to do what I’m used to.

Yeasterday, i destroyed my arm completely. Tore it appart.

It was exactly 3:37 a.m., the right time I found out my brother died.

I would do that every day at the same time, letting the  guilt to consume me.

Now the doctor that comes to my room twice a day had a glimpse at my arm, and is about to call my parents to inform them that I’m about to stayvtwo months linger than planned.

 

What do I do?

 

17 comments
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17 comments

Vertrag 12/13/2014 - 5:11 pm

I’m sorry that you’re feeling such pain. I wish I could say that there’s a easy answer to what you’re asking, but there’s not. If you managed to do this to yourself while in the hospital, there’s not much you can do to get out right now.

Speaking from experience, the hospital is not going to cut you loose until they think that you are not a danger to yourself, and judging from the picture you took, they don’t believe that right now. I would say, just do your best to see if you can find some kind of relief from the pain that you are in. Living this way makes for a pretty shitty quality of life, and I hope that you don’t have to live this way for years…
You’ll always have the option to hurt yourself, and likely always remember the pain, but perhaps you can find something else that soothes it a little…

On a side note, if you did manage to post this from a mental hospital, that is impressive…everyone I’ve been to has always been super strict about any electronics.

TheSuicideBlonde 12/14/2014 - 4:25 am

First, I’d like to thank you for at least trying to feel compassion for me and what I’m going through.
I already said, the hospitals in my country are too weird.
They allow us cell phones two times a day in a period of one hour. It is allowed for contacting your family, but they don’t really bother to check and turn off mobile net.
I’m just scared that my parents will be let down when they find out I’m not doing better.
I think I’m disappointing them…

Anunnaki 12/13/2014 - 6:12 pm

Why would you upload a pic like that? I don’t want see that shit

killswitchon 12/13/2014 - 6:14 pm

to get more attention obviously lol

TheSuicideBlonde 12/14/2014 - 4:29 am

I posted it for the simple reason that ypu obviously don’t understand.
This is a site for help and support, which you are not doing.
If you’d be a 14 year old suicidal girl, you would know that this has nothing to do with attention.
We simply don’t want any.
We just want to have at least one answer to billion of our questions.
Attention brings us to people knowing, and we DON’T want that.
But hey, what do you know. All you do is sit at your computer and hate on the people that are on the verge

theWhispersOfMySins 12/13/2014 - 6:23 pm

Why not try to get better? Tell the drs you want to cut. Say how you truly are instead of hiding it. And I kinda agree with anunnaki, we really don’t need to see these kind of photos please.

TheSuicideBlonde 12/14/2014 - 4:36 am

Because the doctors can’t help. All they do is put you on more and more medication

Deathy058 12/14/2014 - 5:14 am

They will take you through therapy, not just pills. It rarely works that way.

DancerToADiscordantSystem 12/13/2014 - 7:07 pm

I’m sorry for you,and i truly hope you can make something out of your life.
And to all to people who complained about the pic,do you even care at this point?
Yes,maybe it may appear attention-grabbing,but one thing i learned,is that when you reach the bottom,you try your darnedest to reach to others…but it’s in vain.
Again,good luck.

Harrison 12/13/2014 - 7:26 pm

I look at your picture and I cry for you and
for us all. There is such pain everywhere, and we are all here together in our separate miseries. I dont know the answer or how to fix it or even make it better, but it crushes me
the same as you, and I cry for you too.

Find hope and hold on

TheSuicideBlonde 12/14/2014 - 4:31 am

I don’t think I can hold on for much longer.
But I am trying.

Salt 12/13/2014 - 8:25 pm

Bloody pictures don’t really offend me because I guess it’s just a form of expression, like ranting or cursing or whatever. Sometimes nothing says it better than a bloody cavern.

That said, SB you should try to think of other outlets for the pain. I know it’s easier said than done, especially in a hospital. But writing your story is a good step. Sometimes I come here and post nonsense just to keep my hands busy so I don’t do bad things.

TheSuicideBlonde 12/14/2014 - 4:34 am

I’m trying the same thing…
But when I see that even on the site meant for support, people still hate on you, i start to wonder where this world seriously went.
I thought that just maybe, strangers online would have more support, but it’s just like real life.
Everyone is hateful and calling you attention seeker.

Lost26 12/13/2014 - 9:22 pm

I have to agree with Salt and really I am not bothered by this picture or any others. It isn’t always an attention seeking thing to post them here or anywhere else just like the act itself isn’t always for attention. And if the issue is wanting to die or doing that what would you rather they do? I mean, I am NOT condoning this or anything but it can be extremely hard to find something to replace it as not just anything can do that. It is hard and though I feel you should choose other outlets for your pain I DO want to say I understand where you are coming from and I pray as one commenter has already said that you find hope and hold on!!!! I wish you well and I have to also agree that if you managed to post this in a hospital I am also impressed. I know the ones I have been to have strict regulations and actually allow no electronics whatsoever!!!! But I hope you get the help you need and deserve. Perhaps you have told them too of your need to do this to yourself. At times, I know doctors refuse to hear it as they have been biased as well. But I sincerely hope you find someone who listens and you get help my friend!!!!!!

TheSuicideBlonde 12/14/2014 - 4:19 am

The hospital I’m in allows cell phones twice a day in a period of one hour to contact your family.
But I can contact them for so much time before I get to go online and search for some help.
When I found this site I felt really relieved. But I NEVER thought people HERE would say my problems are fake. Like the comment dow, saying my problem is “downloaded from the Internet”.
And that alone makes me feel even worse.
Because it’s damn hard to find strength when strangers that only post comment on your confession take it away from you…
Thank you for everything you said, it does mean a lot.

krazykaze007 12/14/2014 - 12:10 am

Jesus, i don’t understand why you’d add physiCal pain to mental pain.. i dont even believe that is really your arm. . Jus a picture you copied off the internet.. i know I am suicidal but I’d only end it with 1 bang.. not physical pain I know I am going to survive.. but what do I know maybe each slash was thinking it was that bang..

i dont really want to die.. i just hate what ive done with my life and can’t change my mentality.. and my current situation is a nightmare with no end in sight. You don’t wanna die either you just want to be happy.. next time before slashing go out and find a hot guy to take you home and have sex…. maybe those endorphines will change your mentality.. it’s harder for us guys to go out and do that.. we gotta do alot of work and trickery to just have sex. Haha. Benefits us both though if safely done

TheSuicideBlonde 12/14/2014 - 4:13 am

First of all- I at my age am not going to go out and have sex with random people… I have a bit of self respect and don’t give it to Strangers.
It is my arm.
Even if it was downloaded from the Internet, there is someone who posted it there. Someone who did exact thing to herself / himself.
If you don’t want to look at it, don’t.
But please stop telling me my problems are “downloaded frim the internet”

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