What to do

It’s gotten so bad lately. Like, seriously, I’m doing worse in school and I’ve been so close to ending it 4 times in the past 2 months. I have it all planned, I can just never execute the plan. What am I suppose to do? Everything is getting worse, my friend might die from an illness and my other “friend” just causes me stress and makes it hard to not relapse. I already have but I’ve been clean since but it’s so hard to not relapse. I want it. But I don’t. I don’t want anymore scars, I don’t want to hurt. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only option. But I know it’ll get better, someday things will improve, I’ll be better. I just can’t see myself better, honestly I can’t even see my self around for next school year. I’m so done with everything. It’s so hard to live in this constant pain. But something keeps me going, I don’t know what it is, but something has kept me here. Something is keeping on this earth standing, I just wish I knew what so I could make sure I never lose it.