I’m just so tired of this all. I thought that this summer would be able to help me recover, but the thing is that I don’t ever really feel anything except for this sharp feeling in my chest. But lately, I keep on feeling really dirty whenever I lie to my friends about not being depressed, or cut, or do anything that I usually do. I get an urge to just wash myself clean of all this. The thing is, I developed a crush on a close friend of mine. But the thing is, I don’t think that this is a good kind of crush. I keep on putting myself down about him. The thing is, he’s a flirt and he is always flirting with me which raises my hopes about him. But, I know that a great guy like him would never be able to like someone like me. I think of myself as damaged, stupid, fat, and annoying. Not to mention, even if he liked me, he would be liking the fake me that I pretend to be at school. The smart, nice, super happy asian girl. Nobody knows how damaged I am and when they do find out, I always end up telling them that I am better, when I’m not. They only find out that I’m not when they accidentally see something they’re not supposed to see. I think that what I am trying to say is that I am not meant for love. Whether it is to love or to be loved. It’s just not in my personality, and I don’t think it something I can do given my current predicament. I guess that I just wonder why. Why am I still holding on, if I know that there is no point for me, that I am ruined and have gone too far to be helped. Why am I still holding on to the edge? Cause I have a cliche life? Cause I believe that a guy will come and save me like they do in all those stories you read online? I don’t know, I just know that I am so tired of living and keeping up with the promise I made with my friend. But if it will keep her alive, I guess that I will keep on holding on. I actually think that’s the only reason why. I guess the reason why I knew the answer to this but just kept on writing this post is because I made a deal with my other friend that if she helped cover up and pretend to like the guy that our other friend likes, then I would eat for two weeks. The thing is, eating makes me feel filthy, and fat, and much more. I can’t help but hate it whenever I eat. It’s not because I’m obsessed with how I look, but because I want to slowly waste away to the point where I don’t have to bleed to death or swallow pills. I can just starve to death and people would think I died from anorexia, not depression. This is day 8 of 14. Wish me luck on everything.
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3 comments
dont be afraid to tell the guy how you feel about him, i know it may seem a bit nerve wrecking at first but give it a shot. suicide is never the answer. If you feel like killing yourself think twice before doing so, i can imagine that many people love you for the person that you are and maybe the guy you have a crush on has something for you aswell, you never know. life is like playing baseball, you’re the batter and life is the pitcher, you dont know what its going to throw at you and you may strike out once or twice but you come back stronger and stronger. you’re strong for going through the disease known as depression, stronger then me and many others who have had it easy all their life. just know that at the end of every thunder storm theres a rainbow. you have a lot to live for. you just gotta stay strong.
I actually am going to tell him how I feel. Maybe. But, I don’t think it’s rejection I fear. In truth, my fear is humiliation and being bullied. It’ll feel like fifth and sixth grade all over again. But thanks
Sounds to me that you really like that boy but you feel fat.. the answer is this. Eat healthy and jog once a day. If you dont like jogging sign up for yoga, its fun. That is it. It is the smartest thing you can do, and the healthiest. Each day you will naturally feel better. As in eating healthier, hog down on yummy fruits like mango and strawberrys, drink a lot of water. If you do just that your whole life will change. But if you don’t do it, and I mean now, you will forever feel this way, I’m serious. So while your surfing the net drink some yummy green tea and throw those unhealthy bag of chips in the garbage. Tell your parents that you want healthy fruits and veggies and you want a change, they will do it. People will see that natural change, and love you more for it.
Get ready for a new adventure!! Your gonna love it.