I don’t understand where the surety of my identity went to.
To lose my husband of 37 years to a car crash that changed the lives of so many is not as consuming and confusing as the loss of my adored, trusted, loving little brother to abandonment. I have loved and been devoted to my brother for all of his 56 years. I trusted his love and devotion to me without question. He is the person I would trust with the lives of myself, my children and grand children. He is the executor of my will and was so for my late husband (in case I died at the same time as him).
To be abandoned like I am a throw away, disposable, despicable, un-needed, un-wanted, un-important and inconsequential add-on to him has put me in a constant state of post traumatic stress and grief for two years. I know he chose to believe the lies of our sister in law over me without ever allowing me to speak to him about an event including our brother and her. I know he did it to ensure our brother does not abandon him again .. and so risk the feelings I now feel again .. explains the logic of it.
I had no idea he was such a coward. I had no idea he could ever have screamed and sworn at me and accused me and blamed me just to try and force me to conform and get things back to where he felt safe. I totally believed he was a fair and honest man. No matter what the future holds .. things will never be as safe for me as I once believed. To be hated by one I believed was a foundation of trust in who I am .. and who my children and grand children are .. has rocked my core beliefs. I taught my children to completely trust their uncles as they would never abandon us.
2 comments
Losing trust is a *****. And after so many years and by someone so close to you…that’s gotta be hard. But yu learned a lesson and now its time to let go as its been 2 years. You need start living wholly again for yourself and family. Good luck.
Boy do I understand that. Most of my family has died, including my dear brother who hung himself in 2010. I assumed that since we are both now over 50 that he and I would eventually patch things up and I’d have my little brother back. But now that chance, and that time, will never come. Not long after that I was injured and found out the hard way that my son only thought of himself and all his “I love you man’s” were empty. When the time came I needed those who claimed to love me I found myself alone, badly injured and feeling betrayed. Life changed dramatically and I never seen it coming. I guess all we can do is pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and do our best to move on and find some happiness with what’s left of our time. And it is their loss that they won’t be with us to share that. 🙁