I’m scared

I lived in a broken family. Divorced parents, lots of fights, my mom and brother didn’t get a long, never-ending shouting, crying and screaming. I tried not to say a word, to appear strong, to not make things worse. For years since I was in primary school I felt alone and longed for love. I felt broken inside, so broken to the point that I feel numb and empty, I had to cut myself just to feel again. To feel anything, to remind me that I can feel pain, and I’m still living. The blood trickling down my skin to the bathroom floor somehow calms me down. Then I met a guy, whom I don’t have feelings for at first. He talked to me everyday, gave me the attention I wouldn’t get from my family and I felt loved. Probably the reason why I agreed to get together with him, I was craving for love and some caring. We went on and off for about four years, I opened up to him slowly and he accepted all I am with all my flaws and imperfections. I learned to love him, and everything was good until we started arguing a lot and the relationship became toxic. I felt unhappy and I knew he was too, but neither of us had the courage to break it off until I decided to go overseas for college. To get out of my broken home. And I did. I was happy. I started a new life away from home, I met new people and experienced new things. The suicidal thoughts I once had every night is getting lesser and I was almost sure that I can be happy again. Almost a year passed and I met another guy. I fell for him fast. He made me forgot about my past pains, he made me happy, and sure enough we got together about a month ago. But I constantly feel that this is too good to be true, it made me insecure. I am waiting, waiting for the time he walk away, just like everybody else. I have this wall I can’t break, I don’t fully enjoy being around him, often having mood swings and overthinking because deep inside there’s this fear that he won’t be able to accept me after knowing me inside out, that he’d leave after seeing my flaws that I try not to show. I’m scared.