I’ve dealt with a lot of trauma and terror in my life, and there was only one thing that kept me remotely sane… A love for one person.
I grew up with very limited options and fewer trusting individuals. Everything I was taught in the educational system were lies, especially on moral standards. Even my family disowned me the moment I was raped…
But one person stuck around when I needed them most… and then they decided I wasn’t good enough to be with them…
They lied to me, leading me on making me believe that there was ever a chance between us, only to find he never had any interest. I cut him out of my life for a whole year, until it became too unbearable to be that alone… Even if he changed his mind, I could never trust another word that comes out of his mouth…
I want to soooo badly to forget this love, but it still haunts me, to the point of nightmares. You’d think ten years knowing someone would make it easier, it just makes it harder. You’d think sweet dreams of warm embraces and tender soft kisses and a quirky adorable smile would be pleasant dreams, but these are the nightmares that plague me… I’m horrified, because I’m with someone I should love deeply, but instead, I’m still wishing for another, the other that I can never have, that I never was given a chance, the one I couldn’t even hug…
This is too cruel, and I can’t take it anymore… even if I spoke to the one I’m with, it won’t change my feelings, and I’d have no where to go. Even if I spoke to the one I love, it won’t change his feelings, and I still couldn’t go. I tried all my might to forget him, to hate him, to avoid him, but still it haunts me, that connection we share is too deep, like puzzles to the soul. He stimulates my mind and emotions like no other I’ve met, is this what a soul mate is, because if it is, why doesn’t he feel the same for me?
Why can’t I move on, it’s been five years since I first cut him out, we both have someone in our lives, they are all happy, but I can’t be, because I was denied the one love I wanted… The one I can’t ever have…
What I came here to ask for is, does anyone else know what this feels like, and what else can I possibly do about it.
I never stalked him, I always respected his space, but not having that interaction, that sense of security, that reciprocate feeling, I’m losing my mind! I haven’t been able to sleep properly in almost three months, I’m losing interest to eat, down to barely a meal a day, I’m losing all energy or will to live. I know it’s pointless to wish for something I can never have, but if it’s the only thing that’s ever felt right and it’s denied, what’s the point in living?
6 comments
I just want to sleep, without feeling all this guilt, shame and useless love that will get me no where, isn’t there someone out there that is willing to reply, even to just let me know I’m not alone in this situation… T_T
Yeah, I can relate to some extent. There is an absolutely amazing person in my life who I’m not going to be able to be with. But I think I’ve outgrown the part of my life where I let myself get so intense about anything related to love. Or maybe I just like to believe that I’m past it. Some days it can really hurt, other times I just try not to care. Been single for 4 years and realistically I know that’s how my life is going to continue. I try to take the positive from it, try to see it as a good sign that my heart can even feel those intense feelings anymore, because I was starting to think that I was dead inside. But maybe that would have been better. Speaking of me being single though, hopefully the partner you are with is getting a fair shake in this whole situation. I’m free to sit here and yearn for whoever I want and there’s nobody else who needs my attention. It can get kinda messy trying to be with someone while you know you can’t stop feeling for somebody else.
Hard to tell from the way you describe things, but did you bring that person back into your life after the one year of trying to cut them out? Because keeping in touch is a sure way to keep the emotional wounds bleeding. No Contact can be the most painful, most feared, but most effective method for situations like these. Nobody ever likes to hear that the best thing they could do is to possibly remove somebody from their life entirely. But in my experience, that usually the only way for it to stop hurting all the time. With social media and everything else these days, if you are keeping tabs on what this person is doing, it’s no wonder that the feelings haven’t died down yet.
Sorry you’re hurting. Unfortunately it’s far from an uncommon thing for human beings to experience. You would think fate could be friendlier, and that it would automatically be that if person A feels something for person B, person B is going to feel that way right back. Why have so many people had this experience of feeling like they’ve found the perfect person, while that other person doesn’t seem to feel that way in the slightest. It sucks, but millions of people have felt it too, as much as telling ourselves that takes away the fun of feeling like our pain is something unique in the universe.
I just recently found out that there’s no way I’m going to end up with the person I was hoping for either. It kind of feels like the final thread has been cut, everything has been going terrible and that’s the only thing that made me happy. But now that’s gone too. So yeah…
Yeah, I had to go search for him after that one year, I had ulcers and other health conditions, and the stress from lack of friendship was literally killing me…
The guy I’m with now is kind and sweet, but he just doesn’t give the same feelings I need, been tring for several years, he wants to marry me… I don’t see myself making it to the wedding…
I’ll be turning 30 this year, and I feel like I wasted the peak of my life, everything is so messed up, the only person who wants me, I can’t seem to return the feelings, and the only person I want, wants nothing to do with me…
Maybe if I left a note for him, explaining why I’m leaving, he’ll understand… I don’t want anyone I’m with to feel like this, and I don’t have any other solutions… I’m going to be dead anyway, and this is all just tearing me up faster…
Maybe you can’t love the person that you are with, but the best thing you could do is try to forget the other person.
I say this because i can relate in part since i’m usually rejected or the one in relationships that always gets replaced/dumped (and at times used), so i kind of understand what you feel. I also have someone in my family that has been in love with someone for years (20+) and he uses her like a toy from time to time messing up her life (and mine at times) in the process. He has supported her but only to keep her close and pushes her away whenever he feels like.
Based on that i’m guessing that most likely you want/love the idea of that person (or what he has shown you), but that’s not who he really is (and i might be wrong, but either way it’s not a good relationship for you). You might have only seen in him what you need/want out of someone. He lied to you, led you on to believe that he wanted a relationship with you and then backed out. Do you really want to be with someone that does that? like you said, you cant trust him anymore.
Other than that, be careful with how you deal with the person you are with now. The last thing you want is giving him false hopes (considering you know how it feels). Either way, good luck, that sounds like a complicates situation, hope you can sort it out!
I get ehat you mean, but it’s not exactly the same. In his view, leading me on when I needed someone the most was a way to keep me alive and sane, he feared that if he told me the truth from the beginning that I wouldn’t be able to pull through.
I had met someone at the time, someone I didn’t want, but took because the one I love was at risk of other situations for being even in contact with me, anyway, when shit began to hit the fan with this different guy, I told the one I loved about the option of just getting out of state and start fresh together, he’ll when we lived together, we barely fought about anything and always talked through it, everyone basically gotten this vibe we were either related or already together, so it wasn’t like it wasn’t going to work out or anything, even if he didn’t want to leave anyone behind, I was the one that needed out of an abusive situation, that’s when he dropped the bomb on me, we had a long discussion about it, that he only said those things to protect me, and he hoped he could of found a better time to have been honest with me.
None the less, a lie is a lie, I’m a firm believer once you cross that line, burnt that bridge and blast that distance into a black holw, there’s no turning back…
I found out after that year of, well… “separation” he had done a lot of things he regretted, some things was to keep his promise to me, failed miserably but he tried nonetheless.
He found out what happened to me and of course apologized profusely about how he went about it, but he even admits to being in debt with me, but just could never be with me. And he knows that I can’t ever trust him again, as I said, if you’ve loed to someone once how can anyone tell if you’ll lie to them again.
Shortly after getting our friendship back, or what’s left of one, I met my current boyfriend, we’ve been together for a few years, of coarse my ‘friend’ supports it, and is trying everything for me to stick with this guy, even hidden his own relationship for a while to prevent me from hurting so soon again, and made sure one on one that I’d find out from him first, except, I had the six sense about it, even guessed who it wad, it was like, “damn, there isn’t any easy way to hide anything from you, is there?” And it’s like, “yep, I know you too well, I know your type, and I know exactly who you’ve been attracted to, if you don’t recall, I assisted you on working up you’re courage for said dates…” so it’s not like I’m jealous of the chick. Sure on a small scale, but that’s just the broken heart speaking, I’d still sacrafice everything for him to be happy… although, she’s not that great of a chick, and anyone who has met her knows why, and he’s aware of her tendencies, so I can only hope she doesn’t do something to hurt him… I may or may not burn her life to pieces if she ever does, although, I won’t be around that long to find out…
Anyway, the current guy I’m with knows my current condition, proclaming I shouldn’t give up, faith is everything, and he just doesn’t understand I’m already dying, there’s nothing I can do, other than decide when for myself… I refuse to die a slow and excruciating painful death, especially with this pure burning heart ache to boot. I have like a year left, in the next six months, I’m going to end up pretty immobile, so I should try to find a way to just finish it quick before then, like ripping off a bandage, just get it over quick.
I’ve already been thinking about how to make it look like an accident without getting anyone involved, no random cars or anything like that. We actually have a few documented issues here, so I could easily freeze to death, or suffocate on a gas leak, though I don’t want to start a fire, as I said, no one else should suffer with me, he’ll it might set him up for life if I do it right, maybe the owner of this place will go out of their way to fix things for a change. Benefit many in the process. Sure he’s going to be sad, but he’ll still have his life, and his faith.
Wow. I can relate to this so fucking much. I even cry while reading it. I can’t stop crying. I am in love with my best friend and it’s been years. I know, he cares for me and loves me. But he had a girlfriend and I knew it was not my time, and eventually I started to realise that we were going to be just friends. I respected him, and his gf. Well, since we met we were like a couple without all the “real couple stuff” and I was perfectly fine with it. Cause I knew I couldn’t call him mine. But somehow he was. Revelry I’ve felt so much more for him. It’s a love I can’t explain. So deep, I love him so much in every single way.
This fucked me up:
“that connection we share is too deep, like puzzles to the soul. He stimulates my mind and emotions like no other I’ve met, is this what a soul mate is, because if it is, why doesn’t he feel the same for me?”
Still, this is something I can’t assure cause I’ve never told him about my feelings in that way. I’d prefer to be forever with him as this deep friendship we have that break the whole connection and relationship forever. I just love him so much to lose him and I love him more than myself.