I am approaching 30 and I have never been in a relationship.
When I was 18 I had my first major crush on this girl in college (I am also a girl). We had been close friends (I think) for about half a year before she started to really distance herself from me. She might have sensed my crush and got freaked out. Then one day she told me she had a boyfriend. Somehow I never knew it before (I was so stupid) and I made comments about her boyfriend out of jealousy. She was enraged and called me a freak and a predator before completely breaking up the friendship. I was completely devastated and wished I were dead.
The next 3 years was a lot of pain. Then in graduate school I met a girl and a guy and the three of us became close over time. I knew I liked both of them more than just friends and both of them had made it very clear that they had absolute no interest in me romantically, which was fine. About a year later I realized they were acting quite intimately in front of me (like slapping each other’s face jokingly and pushing each other around). Then the girl told me they were fwb (kind of). I wasn’t even mad at that point because I had already deeply established the notion that I was not good enough for either of them. I might have felt a little hurt but I tried my best to turn my emotions off.
In the past year there was another rejection from a close friend. This one is so fresh I don’t want to talk about it.
Everytime after a major disappointment I just have the urge to jump off a bridge or something. The thought of the process terrifies me but the thought of going through another disappointment terrifies me even more. My family knows absolutely nothing about any of this. They are quite conservative and I would never even dream of explaining the bisexual thing to them. My grandparents raised me and they had already suffered enough. I just cannot put them through all this. Occasionally they do wonder why I never have had any interest in any person and I just shrug it off as me being weird or too stressed out by work.
So many people go on their lives without ever finding the one and by no means I am saying I am the special case or deserve more sympathy. Since I have the tendency to fall for close friends, which is a bad bad idea, maybe it is time to just give up. On the bright side, I do have close friendships now and I like the work I do. I took up a volunteering job in the local animal shelter the past year. Life is not treating me badly and I will probably suck at relationships anyway. I am also like 95 percent sure my family wouldn’t like whomever I date so why even try…
Done bitching here. Time for a snack! Wish everyone a very happy year! (you’ve got to at least try, right?)
7 comments
This may seem strange I wanted to ask you to please please listen to this short clip that helped me so very much. It’s on YouTube you just search this … RSA Shorts – The Power of Empathy. ( you will see a little cartoon on the thumb nail) It may seem silly at first but please trust me. And I hope you will watch it before you read the rest I promise its not long… Love is such a powerful wonderful thing and ofcourse we all want it and we all most certainly deserve it. And love and empathy fit together like a hand in a glove. You brought up not deserving any more sympathy then another, which I completely understand I feel the same most people dont want sympathy so I wanted to bring up empathy to you which is very different from sympathy. sympathy is pitying the person, empathy is feeling with the person and just as everyone else deserves to be cared about so do you. I felt every word you said and I truly do understand. this world isn’t an easy one and your right there are many people that don’t find their one person but that doesn’t mean their any less deserving of it. . ive heard many a person say “don’t go looking for love, let it find you” ive always been that person to go looking and I understand this logic and think sometimes it’s very true and nessesary but I also think sometimes you gotta put yourself out there even knowing there’s a chance you might get hurt. There’s always a chance you might get hurt but don’t let that stop you from finding a beautiful connection with someone, because that’s what life’s truly about. You say you would probably suck at a relationship but please believe me when I say you can not know that with out trying it first and even still from the post you wrote I can already see a lot in you. You have perspective, of yourself and of others, you seem very humble honest and loving. These things are some of the biggest and strongest building blocks to a relationship, and when you said falling for close friends is bad and you should give up on a relationship please don’t.. I know people already close may seem safe but love is trust and trust isn’t having prof trust is simply putting faith in another. You said you do have close friends and that’s a wonderful thing keep utilizing them for support and I encourage you how every scary to branch out and reach out to new people. Even try a dating site I know it may sound strange but trust me it’s not, no two people are the same but we as people can share many things and please trust me when I say there are many other people that feel they should give up to on finding that someone. I hope this may help some, I know words don’t nessarly fix anything but I can tell you are strong and if you continue to fight and reach for what your truly looking for you are much more likely to find it. Much love
Maybe you could give online dating a shot? You went to graduate school, you must be a pretty interesting person. If nothing else you’ll gain some experience and maybe you’ll meet someone special!
What you need to do is go out more, meet new people and give some strangers a chance. I had zero friends in my teenage years and have thought it would be impossible to find a boyfriend for various reasons, mainly thinking I’m too ugly because I have acne scars.
I have gone out and met some people and taken some chances. It’s been a bit scary and it takes some work, but you will find some people who have interest in you and that you may also like. I swear I’ve also met some chicks who were into me. Haha. Well, I have a couple of boyfriend candidates at the moment. Not sure how to go about this dating thing but I got movie tickets as a Christmas present, so I’ll try that. Even though the thought scares me, brr.
I also have experience falling for friends… My biggest crush at the moment has already stated he only wants to be friends. I’ve refused to give up, thinking I can change his mind, but clinging on to it has just caused a whole lot of pain. Luckily there are also some decent people who show mutual interest, but I just keep being hung up on this… Not healthy. We’re still friends, and I heard he told a mutual friend I’m a nice person, but I don’t think he realises how much pain I go through each time I contact him. I’m literally on the verge of giving up, and it’s that pain that makes me try once more… Maybe this time… And each time I get a positive response, I’m so happy. He did show some interest in the past but I think he is chasing some other girl himself. I know there is some attraction or else I wouldn’t try. But honestly I think I’m wasting my time and grinding on my nerves, but it’s like an addiction.
Maybe I should just ask those other people out and find out how awesome they are and this stupid crush would fizzle out naturally. I’m starting to think, what would I do even if I managed to catch him? Secretly resent him for causing me so much pain already? Always fear losing him? Always tearing my nerves apart trying to please him? That doesn’t sound like a good relationship.
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Find some, and give a chance to people who are into you. The more people you meet, the more chances you have. Why waste time on couple of people who don’t realise how awesome you are when many others would absolutely adore you.
See, the problem with people like us (little to no relationships) is not that we don’t give strangers a chance but rather strangers don’t give us a chance.
Then you need to find someone else that no one has ever given a chance. Ba-dum-tishh! I, for example, met a rather hot guy at a party and was surprised to read on his facebook page casual jokes on how he’ll never get laid. Granted, he parties a bit too hard, but he seems really nice and we’ve talked about going out sometime…
Well there you go, the problem is there. You met a “hot” guy at a party and got a long. When you’re not hot and you’re deficient and the person that a woman would prefer to stand up on the train than sit next to it’s rather difficult to just find “someone else”
But it’s cool that you guys clicked, I hope it lasts in to something beautiful. I used to party hard but we get over it.
Thanks guys/gals for all the replies 🙂 I did try the online stuff and most of the replies were along the lines of ‘would you like to join me and my bf’…. lol. my current school also has a huge party scene on Fridays and Saturdays and my roommate told me to just invite myself to a random party since everyone would be too drunk to tell who is who 🙂
I might have given the whole dating thing a more serious try if I didn’t think the emotional ups and downs would be too disruptive to my already very busy schedule (could be one of my many excuses I know…). At the moment I am just saving up so that I can be a crazy dog lady (is there such a phrase??) in the near future!