i wanna die now! i have nobody, no body to listen to me, i dont even know how to talk about my feelings anymore. i dont know why i keep coming to these sites, its all soooo…. artificial. so mechanical, so impersonal, so dehumanizing…. and yet its all i have. unless tonights the night. my moms dying of cancer, she’ll be gone soon, i cant do that to her, not until shes gone…
but once shes passed away ill be free…. free to end my misery, free to leave this place. dont tell me to be strong, i’m stronger than most, my great strength is whats killing me. yet i’m so used to it, ppl ask me regularly now if i’m alright, am i ok? i answer “i’m fine” its a lie but its all i can say. i have no more words. dont ask me how i got here, i dont know anymore. dont tell me it will get better, im too old care, the economy is too broken to believe it. dont tell me to seek a therapist they are all feminists, therapists are the ones that pushed me over the edge. its been over a decade of this now, yet here i am, still kicking, my chest feels empty, my heart completely numb. i dont know what love feels like anymore, even while i’m surrounded by ppl who say they love me. do they? do they really? the only one i believe is my mom, i could tell her anything without fear of judgement, or being told i’m weak.
all i see is pain & suffering, nothing but hate & lies, the government uses us like lab rats, the baby boomers are just as greedy as ever. i’m told the economy is getting better while i struggle to find & keep even a dead end job. i have no savings, i’m losing all my old friends. the friends i still have are all preoccupied with baby momma drama, or abusive partners, they all come to me for solace, but whos there for me? nobody! absolutely nobody! why not just kill myself tonight? why not just take out a wally-mart with me? why would i want to continue, why fix a society of ppl like this? they dont deserve that, they deserve destruction, complete annihilation.
so tell me again… why stay here? your life is meaningless & god is dead, we killed him. your prayers are excuses to do nothing. your career is your excuse for an empty existence. your pride & trophies are an excuse to call yourself a success…. but are you really? how many ppl have you helped? at what cost?
4 comments
I’m sorry you feel like this. 🙁 I too have felt the emotions you describe. Why do I go on? After year after year feeling so utterly alone? That is a hard one! I have felt like dying- all I want is to be OVER! I die a hundred times, I pretend I have died…. part of why my name is Pretend Girl (the other- I pretend I am okay to the outside world, I have to!). I pretend and therefore hurt no one. No one gets a dreaded call, my sister doesn’t cry herself to sleep because of me. Then, I get up and pretend I didn’t feel that the next morning.
The reason I am still here is a couple. I am learning to give myself what I wish other people- kind people I’ve known for years- would show me. I am learning I am the most important person in my life.
That is a tough one! Giving myself the love I am lacking!! I can’t do it many, many times. But even a little love, a little compassion given to me from myself is better than wishing for all of the people I care for- and who do care for me but just don’t support me and see my pain- even a little from myself is better than the whole wants of those other people.
YOU are important. I hear your pain, your struggle and so, that may be hard to understand and believe. I have dealt with depression, isolation for over 20 years. It s****, it really does. But you have to keep trying.
Life always changes. It is the one constant that is true in our world. I won’t tell you to be strong because I HATE my strength!! If I weren’t so strong, would there be someone to help me?! Some days I know that is twisted logic. BUT other days, I could just scream and cry in the middle of the street to get someone’s attention.
One more reason I hold on. I don’t “wanta” die this way. No, no no. Don’t let this sadness, anger, angst be my last feeling.
I’m sorry you feel this too. Find ways to help yourself. Keep searching. I look up quotes to comfort me and help change my brain waves/ thoughts. I just google a word or phrase and the word quote. Brainy quote is a good site to look at or even just googling brainy quote and sadness or hope and joy… etc…
I am glad you posted tonight and I will look for your response so I can hear how you are.
Take great care of YOU. Especially when you don’t feel like it.
P.S…I will be back tomorrow! I hope you find some peace tonight.
Hi AnonymousGnosis,
I’m sorry if I said too much last night. I was just trying to cheer you and I hope you didn’t take offense.
I hope your week is going well!
Take care
I am to much depressed. Each night i go bed i pray that it must be my last night and at morning i daily think that why i am still alive.